URT New Jersey 2013 #10: "Things are Rapidly Deteriorating..."

This video is from the summer...one of our vendors, Universal Nutrition, stopped by with a few athletes.  It was a FUN few hours with them.  Just wanted to share with you!

"Don't dream it, be it."

I am blind.

It is amazing how we can lose sight of what really matters in life.  Everyday we are all so busy and get wrapped up in whatever is going on in the moment.  We all have to make money to pay bills, eat and keep clothes on our back and a roof over our heads.  We all struggle with something in life, some people more than others.  The past month or so has been very hard for me personally.  I have been struggling with things that I didn't expect to happen.  Nothing is "wrong", but my situation has not been ideal.
Last night, before I dragged my over-tired self to bed, I was not the nicest person to my fiance, Brian.   I have been seriously overwhelmed be the series of events that have taken place.  I was rambling to him about how he needs to change his dinner time so he can go to bed earlier, to wake up earlier, to get a workout in earlier, to get to the store earlier...you get the idea.  In my state of tired drunkenness, I failed to realize all of the thing he has already changed and all of the things he has been working on.  I also didn't consider the fact that he hasn't been feeling well and has some injuries that continually restrict him from doing things.
I woke up this morning about an hour later than usual.  I did my normal morning routine.  I started to get angry because I am not going to get my workout in today and logged onto my Garmin account to see how many calories I burned this week....2845 calories.  WOW, I only needed to burn another 655 between today and Saturday to reach my goal of 3500 for the week.  That's nothing!  My mood shifted quickly after I saw that and I started thinking about last night.
Brian is still sleeping at 8AM, why?  Because he ate dinner at 11PM...had emails and texts to go through, orders he needed to finish working on AND still isn't feeling well.  SO, he probably didn't get in bed until somewhere around 2AM.  He doesn't really sleep well either, so reality is...he actually falls asleep somewhere around 4 or 5AM.  I sometimes forget that he is not as healthy as he looks.  I lean on him so much for so many things because I never really have had that in a relationship.  He is a strong willed person, but I forget that he deals with a lot.
I just need to keep focusing on the things that MATTER and keep pushing toward the goals that we have set, together and individually.  When stress starts to wedge it way into my life and begins to take control of everything, I need to remember "This too shall pass."  There hasn't been anything that I or Brian or the two of together haven't been able to push through and come out better.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I've fallen, but I CAN get up.

I haven't posted in a little over a week.  Since Labor Day, things have been chaotic, to say the least.  I am not going to go in to detail about the problems I have had, just know that it has been a stressful and emotional few weeks.  Stress does some interesting things to your body.  The mental strain can drain so much energy from you physically, even if your brain tells you otherwise.  Needless to say, I didn't make it to the gym very much and didn't hit any of the goals I set for myself.  This week is a little better, but I am still not reaching my goal.
Last week I started to beat myself up for it, saying that I would never be able to do this, yelling at myself saying I was crazy for thinking I could.  My alarm went off every morning, my hopes were each evening to just start over tomorrow, but when tomorrow came, my body didn't agree.  I was so tired.  After about a week of not getting to the gym, I realized what I was doing to myself.  I was fueling the negativity, allowing it to shove it ugly head back into my life.  Sometimes we have to just roll with the punches, other times we have to take a stand and defend ourselves.
There is so much going on in my life, I am being pulled in many different directions.  It is hard to stay focused on my training when so many things outside of working out need to be taken care of.  The next month or so is going to be very difficult.  I am beginning a personal training schedule at the gym, still have the store to take care of, my training schedule, plus cooking, cleaning, organizing the house...good thing I don't have kids or animals!  I need to re-adjust my training schedule, so I can continue to live life on life's terms.  I also need to trust that everything is going to be okay and that no matter what is put in front of my, I need to just stand strong and keep going, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Faith

Sometimes, you need to just have faith that things are going to be okay, sometimes.  It's hard to have faith.  It's hard to have confidence.  It's hard to trust.  There are points in life when even though you have done everything you can to keep things going, you falter in your faith.  Faith doesn't always have to be about God.  It can be faith in anything, your job, kids, yourself, friends, spouse, workouts, what ever you believe in.
Martin Luther King said "Faith is taking the first step, even though you don't see the whole staircase."  That is a  very difficult thing for me to do.  I always need to know what is going to happen next, I need to make sure that there is really another step to take.  There have been many things going on in my life and I was thrown a curve ball recently.  I don't really know if I have the confidence to deal with it, I feel broken.  All of the strength and courage I have been working on building have been knocked down.  Somehow I need to focus and get myself back to where I was.  I don't want to give up, I don't want to let hope slip away.
I need to stand strong and weather the storm.  I have done it before, I should be able to do it again.  I will smash that curve ball and hit a home run, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

The storm shall pass

This week has been rough.  I missed the gym twice and Brian has not been feeling well.  To top things off, I think my sinus's are rebelling, so I am not feeling too good.  Yet, on Sunday morning, I was up early getting my butt ready to go to the gym.  What the hell am I thinking?  My body is telling me no, but my brain is telling me yes.  Sometimes, you just need to listen to your body.  I found myself crawling back in bed, pulling the covers over my head and just sleeping a little bit longer.  All day I did nothing, I was on my couch nodding in and out of consciousness, I barely even ate food because my stomach was in a knot.
This morning wasn't much different.  I woke up at 5:50 AM to the sound of my alarm, staring at the clock wishing it wasn't Monday.  I dragged myself out of bed, went in the kitchen and made my shake.  After sitting in front of my laptop for about a half hour, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and back to bed I went.  I reset my alarm and closed my eyes, I was out.  When my alarm went off the second time, I didn't want to move again.  I was mentally berating myself for not staying awake and going to the gym.  I was telling myself that I missed the gym two days in a row, three of the past four days, I was slipping and going to screw up everything I had worked so hard for over the past few weeks.  The mental beating I can give myself is absolutely amazing.
Something happened though, I stopped myself.  I starting thinking about what I was doing to myself.  I was letting the negative self talk come back after a few weeks of getting it out of my head.  I couldn't let this happen.  I got up and realized that I needed a break.  My body was tired.  Brian was sick and I was at the store by myself for most of the week and the stress levels were up.  I am not giving up, I am not throwing the towel in, I am just taking a break.  I deserve a break, I have been working hard.  Instead of fighting, I just need to roll with the wave, eventually it will break.
I just need to remember, progress not perfection.  I am not perfect and I will never be, but I will work on being better than I was yesterday, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A new chapter

I guess it's long overdue.  The past month or so I have been thinking about how much I miss personal training.  It is honestly my passion, what I enjoy to do most.  There is a certain satisfaction and sense of accomplishment that comes with training.  The friendship and bonds that are made with clients are truly different.  You connect with people on a whole different level.  Brian and I discussed how I could get back into the gym and start training again, not only to benefit my clients, but to benefit myself as well.
If you ask my parents what I wanted to be when I grew, almost my ENTIRE childhood I would have told you a teacher.  That changed when I got into high school.  I made some realizations about myself, I really didn't think I would have the patience to deal with children all day.  Looking around the classrooms my sophomore, junior and senior year, I didn't think I could hack it.  My focus changed during those years and I fell in love with writing and photography.  I did a complete 180 and wanted to be an "artist".  Well, that changed too and I didn't go that direction either.  I still took pictures and scribbled my thoughts in notebooks on and off over the years, but I fell into the routine of my old life and pointed myself in another crazy direction.
When I decided to sign up at a gym and hired my trainer, never did I think that I would fall in love with fitness.  After the first few months of hating the gym, dreading going there and being sore, I finally started to see the transformation I was making and my mindset changed completely.  I started to enjoy working out, enjoy the soreness, enjoy being out of breath, because I, along the the trainer, was becoming a butterfly!  I was morphing into something new, something different.  I loved my new body and I loved that my trainer, my TEACHER, was helping me make it all happen.  I started to toy with the idea that I could be a trainer!  I was asking more questions about why we did certain exercises, why I needed to keep my heart rate down, why I could  and couldn't do certain things and started to do some research on my own about exercise.  It was fascinating!

2008- Stephanie & I
after a training session

So fast forward a year after I started my own fitness journey and I was a trainer!  I was doing exactly what my trainer did for me.  I was teaching people to transform their bodies.  When you think about it, exercising when done properly is a form of art.  You are shaping and molding people's physique's and their health.  It is amazing to watch, to see the transformations.  I was, in a way, combining the two things I wanted to be as a child...a teacher and an artist.  It may not be what I envisioned growing up, but it definitely is what I wanted to do.  I was so sad to have to give it up after the store opened.
After some discussion and planning, Brian and I decided it is time for me to go back.  I am at a new point in my life and I am ready to get back into this part of the industry.  I am going to have a limited schedule, but I will be able to do what I love to do most, TRAIN OTHERS!  I am so excited and a little nervous to get back into this.  I am ready to start next week and have already scheduled a few appointments.  I can't wait to get back out there!

"Don't dream it, be it."

Humbly Dedicated

ded•i•cat•ed adj. - wholly committed to a cause, ideal, or personal goal

It's very interesting what goes through my head when I wake up, well maybe not just when I wake up.  I thought about why I wanted to compete.  I keep pushing toward this goal and even though I more motivated than ever, I still have doubts about myself.  I still look at myself in the mirror and think that I won't be able to do this.  The thoughts that cross my mind are crazy!  Even though I have the support around me that I need, I still don't see how I am going to be able to do this. 

I looked up the word dedicated...weird.  I wanted to make sure that the words I am using were being applied the right was to my life.  I am truly dedicated to my goal, I fit the text book definition of the word.  I just couldn't figure out why I was doubting myself everyday.  If I am "dedicated" shouldn't that mean I am confident in myself?  Shouldn't that mean I am see myself attaining my goal and being on stage, contest ready?  What was the problem????  I have been scratching my head for days.  Then it hit me, something my father has said my entire life to me.  "Humble yourself."

hum·ble adj. - Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful

Although I didn't attend church often as a child, I was raised in a religious family.  My father often used quotes from the Bible.  One thing that sticks out in my mind as an adult are those words, "Humble yourself."  He would say that when I was getting to egotistical about ANYTHING.  He would also say that I was "entitled to anything".  My dad is a smart man.  Even though I didn't understand what he was saying too much, I learned to not walk around thinking I was better than anyone else and that I needed to work hard to get what I wanted.  Nothing in my life was handed to me, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Thinking about my goal this morning, it finally sank in on what my problem was.  I am confident, I am dedicated, BUT I am also humble.  Yesterday, a guy was in the store and told me he has been reading my blog.  He also said that I was an "excellent writer".  I was actually embarrassed!  And then I had to go in the back room because I was choking back tears.  I am tearing up a little thinking about that moment now....

I don't think that I am better than anyone else.  I don't think that I deserve anything.  I don't walk around with my nose in the air looking down at other people.  I am not arrogant.  I am no different than anybody else in this world.  I chose to share parts of my life and my story with you, not to make you look up to me or to make you feel like I have done something extraordinary.  I chose to share this part of me with you to help you see that I am not much different than you, that there are other people out there struggling in similar ways.

I struggle, just like you.  I work, just like you.  I fail, just like you.  I will succeed, just like you.  I will continue to work toward my goal, competing in a figure or physique show sometime next year.  I will work toward this goal, to better myself along the way.  The goal isn't really to be better than anyone else, but to be better than I was before.  I will stay humbly dedicated to my dream, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I've made a mistake or two

I am going to try to make this short.  I have always been of the mentality that it has to be either this way or that way.  I always forget about the middle.  Brian has tried over the past few years to get me to change that thinking, to realize that everything isn't black or white, there is some gray in between.  I find myself setting goals for myself and then I usually go full force into them doing a complete 180 and trying to change overnight.  This doesn't work.  The past few weeks, I have been able to keep myself in the middle somewhere, not diving right into a diet or even training.  I haven't deprived myself of any foods and I have been resting when I need it.  I haven't been beating myself up too much either.  If I mess up or go over board with my training or my diet, I just pick myself up and brush myself off and start over.  It's ok to make mistakes, it's realizing that I made the mistake and learning from it.  Sometimes it's harder to admit that you did something wrong, than moving on from it.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I win.

The past week has been busy.  Everyday my alarm has gone off at 5:50 AM.  At the beginning of the week I had no problem hitting snooze and getting out of bed at 6:00 AM.  Toward the end of the week, it was another story.  Brian was not feeling well all week, not sure why, but he was just feeling run down.  We usually alternate who opens the store, he opens 3 days and I open 3 days, to make it balanced.  This week, I volunteered to open almost everyday because he was feeling so crappy (he would do it for me in a heart beat!).
I started to not feel good on Wednesday.  I have severe allergies and take medicine everyday.  I forgot that I was out of my Zyrtec and didn't take it for a little over a week.  Needless to say, my sinus' started to kick my ass.  I had the runny nose, headache, felt tired, my asthma was acting up and even felt a little nauseous.  Crazy how bad I can get in a week, but Brian is the best and grabbed me a bottle so I didn't feel so crappy.  Both of us cannot be sick at the same time, it causes a big problem.

"Sleeping in the park"
as Brian would say.

So, I still had my alarm buzzing at 5:50 AM...but on Friday and Saturday...I didn't want to get up.  I literally fought with myself, telling myself the reasons why I should and shouldn't get out of bed.  I was tired, almost every night this week I fell asleep on the couch around 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I wanted to change the alarm so much to 8:00 AM and just go back to sleep.  Reality is, I didn't NEED to sleep for a few more hours.  I can't let the lazy part of me win.  I have a goal, a dream that I am working toward and cannot let anything stop me from achieving.
In the end, I WIN.  I WIN, I WIN, I WIN.  I got up.  I made my breakfast, I made my pre-workout drink, I got my ass in my Jeep and drove to the gym.  Even though that alarm was screaming at me earlier and I tried to just ignore it and go back to sleep, I didn't.  I was awake, in the gym and KNEW my day would be better for it.  At the end of the week, I still reached my goal of burning 3500 calories (3595 this week) and hit all of the body parts I needed to for lifting.
Today, I am not in my head beating the hell out of myself for being lazy and choosing not to get up.  I will never reach my goal if I don't do what I need to everyday.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A few of my favorite things...

I am a crazy Tim Curry fan, I have been infatuated with him since I saw the movie Clue as a kid.  When I got into high school, I discovered The Rocky Horror Picture Show and was even more obsessed at that point...hanging out with a friend and acting out the entire movie ALL THE TIME.  I know almost every line in the movie and I definitely know EVERY LYRIC to EVERY SONG in the movie.  Another obsession, Monty Python, that I can thank my father for.  As a child, I really didn't understand the humor, but as a teenager I finally got it!  Both of these things have influenced my life, I am so silly with it.  In 2005, two of my favorite things were brought together, Tim Curry AND Monty Python & The Holy Grail - SPAMALOT on Broadway.  I actually went to see the show twice and MET TIM CURRY!

July 2005 Meeting Tim Curry

Waiting in Schubert Alley for 5 hours

If you look at my Ipod...the plays on the soundtrack for Spamalot and Rocky Horror are ridiculous!  Why am I telling you all this?  Well, even though both Rocky Horror and Spamalot are really silly stupid, if you listen to the soundtracks and REALLY listen to the lyrics, you will see that there is a message in some of the songs.  Some of them are just plain stupid and just make me laugh.  But Rocky Horror's "Fanfare/Don't Dream It" is always stuck in my head...I listen to the Monty Python Spamalot soundtrack in my car almost every day!  Crazy?  I know.  But I have "Find Your Grail" on repeat most of the time, it actually motivates me. "When your life, seems to drift, when we all need lift, trim your sail, you won't fail, find your grail..."
I end all of my posts with the tattoo on my shoulder and the saying "Be it, don't dream it."  I took that from Rocky Horror "Fanfare/Don't Dream It" because it meant something to me when I was a teenager.  I was going to live my dreams, not just dream it.  For the most part, I have been able to do that; anything I could imagine myself doing, I have been able to do.  I am going to continue that over the next year.  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Notice of Eviction

Every thing takes a few days to sink in with me, sometimes weeks or even longer.  Brian has been telling for weeks to stop focusing on others and to just worry about ourselves.  I truly believed that I was benefiting from allowing people to rent some space in my head.  I felt that the people I allowed the space were HELPING me.  Well, it's obvious to others what this was doing to me, not so obvious to me though.
Over the weekend a friend stopped by and was talking to me.  This person respects me very much and always compliments me.  I was telling them about my progress with everything in life and they had to stop me.  They asked, "Why are you always comparing yourself to everyone else?"  I didn't really know what to say.  I thought about it for a second and said, "I just want to be better and it makes me work harder."  Their response was not typical, "I think it hurts your creativity and your drive.  I think that by you always comparing yourself to others it is hurting you, not making you better." WoW.  Again, I didn't know what to say.  The person said I should think about it later.  I kind of let it just slip into the back of my mind and stopped thinking about it for the moment.
A day later, it kind of hit me, I think they are right!  I think that I am really allowing too much space in my head to be rented.  Then I realized that I don't want to rent ANY space in my head.  NONE, in the long run it is just causing a headache.  So, that morning I sent a notice of eviction.  All of the tenants were being kicked out immediately.  The past few days have a little different not having the extra weight, I can actually breath better.  I have been much happier and have been able to focus more on myself, Brian and the store.  Makes a world of a difference.  Even if it takes me awhile, I will get there!  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Accomplishment.

So, I have been looking forward to this morning for a few days.  I woke up ready to be weighed and measured.  I am SO HAPPY right now.  EXCITED.  I got my ass on the scale and weighed myself first, ONE WEEK - 160.4 lbs.  I almost cried.  I got out of the shower, but my bra and underwear on and had Brian measure me, ONE WEEK - a total of 4.25 inches LOST.  I finally feel like everything I am doing is WORTH something.  I feel like I have been able to push myself a little further.  I have renewed the faith in myself and my dream, getting on stage to compete.  I have anywhere from 9-12 months before  my deadline...I am going to continue to set small achievable goals for myself, so that the long term goal doesn't look so out of reach.

Push harder, go further.  I am not giving up on myself.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Self esteem, self confidence and self respect.

Somehow, some way over the past few years I have allowed negative thoughts to cloud my mind.  A few years ago, self esteem, self confidence and self respect were all pretty high.  I put myself first where and when I needed to, I walked with my head held high, I could look in the mirror and say to myself "You are strong and beautiful, inside and out."  After a series of events over the past few years, all of the negative self talk was able to edge it's way back into my brain.  Instead of waking up everyday and being happy to be alive, I was dreading the day...the workout, the job, the cooking, cleaning, shopping...it didn't matter what it was, I looked at everything as a stone tied to my leg dragging me down.  Even though my life is not "perfect", it is good.  I have an awesome supportive boyfriend, who is willing to marry my crazy ass, a business, a job teaching spin which I enjoy, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, a car to drive...So what's the problem?
It's funny how you can look back when you are in a better place and see how things got to be the way they are.  Now, looking back at the past 4 years of my life, I can see exactly when, where and how I dug my own hole.  When we first opened our store, we were still personal training, working at the store AND keeping to a workout regime.  Slowly, as the days passed, we both started to realize that the store was very busy and that we couldn't continue to personal train, so Brian started to have some healthy issues and working out started to become less of a priority because he was sick and I was working the store alone.  Enter the weight gain, because I stress eat AND I was not working out as much...double blow to my body.  More health problems...both Brian and me.  Even less working out, busy store, less meal prepping...I don't need to keep going, it was a disaster.  We both allowed ourselves to fall off track, hard.
Every time I thought was climbing out of the hole, it seems like the devil stepped in and pushed me back into it and dug the hole even deeper.  I over think everything and stress about everything, that really doesn't do much for positive thinking.  It's always what if, if we did this different, but why does it have to be this way, it can't change, it won't change, how can I make it different when it's the same everyday, what's the point, it used to be like this...not really good thinking AT ALL.  Instead of trying to be productive and using time more efficiently, I would sit there using the time to think like this.  THEN, look in the mirror and see myself 30-40 lbs heavier depending on what year it was, seeing all of the hard work and effort going to waste, blaming myself for not doing better, being better...telling myself I am never going to be where I want to be, saying I am going to gain all of the weight back no matter what so I should just give up.  What good did that do?  I was digging the hole deeper, I was pushing myself further down, there was no one else doing it, it was ME.
No one is going to come along and magically make all of your problems disappear.  There is no fairy Godmother that can wave a magic wand and turn you into a princess (or a bodybuilder LOL).  The only person who has the power to do that is you.  I have to keep that statement in the forefront of my thoughts everyday, otherwise I will be talking myself out of everything I would like to see happen in my life.  Sometimes we have to continue to dig the hole deeper and keep falling back in before we can climb out.  Sometimes that hole is making us stronger, even if we don't realize it.  I am not unhappy about any of the experiences I have had in my life, good or bad, I just need to look at each situation and learn from it.  I have everything I need to change whatever I want to change.  I can make my life miserable or make my life happy.  I have to let go of one bad thing that happens taking over all of the good things in my life.  I need to look in the mirror again and say "You are beautiful and strong, inside and out."  Only then will I have back my self esteem, self confidence and self respect.  Just for today, I will walk with my head held high and proud of who I am.  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

You are not a dog.

Have you ever stopped to think about how you reward yourself for reaching your goals?  Well I really didn't until a few days ago.  A family member was talking to me about this blog and mentioned that maybe I needed to start changing the way I rewarded myself for reaching goals.  WOW, I never REALLY thought about changing that.  Honestly, it took a few days to really process that thought.  I need to change how I reward myself.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am a food addict.  Food is my comfort, I use it when I am happy, sad, anxious, stressed out, it doesn't matter what the feeling is, I abuse it not matter what.  I don't really need to figure out what is causing the emotions, I KNOW that stuff.  With all of the counseling and meetings I have been to, I forgot that I need to change my REACTIONS to those feelings.  It is no different than an alcoholic or drug addict saying, "I was good this week and I deserve to (drink or get high)" OR the opposite thought process when something negative happens.  The way I react to an emotion is going to make or break my situation.

The next few weeks will be hard to conquer this thought process, but I have been enlightened and have a new way of thinking to work on.  Now the challenge is to figure out WHAT to reward myself with LOL.  Manicures?  Pedicures?  Clothes shopping?  New music?  New stuff for my car?  This is not going to be easy, I hate spending money on those things...but I guess it's better than spending money on food that will eventually destroy my ultimate goal right now.

"Don't dream it, be it."

One day at a time.

Sometimes in life we all get so busy thinking about what has to happen in the future or what has already happened in the past, we forget about the present.  You can't change the past and the future depends on what you do now.  Everyday I go to bed worrying about what needs to happen the next day and how can I fix what I have already done to mess things up.  It causes a lot of stress for me, for Brian, for everyone!
The store is very busy most of the time.  It is hard to get meals in some days, even though we meal prep twice a week.  I have finally forced myself to consistently drink close to a gallon of water a day.  Between the Nalgene bottle that Brian bought me a few months ago and an app that a friend showed me, I get the right amount of water in.  Food never really becomes a problem, unless it is like it has been the past few weeks at the store, BUSY.
I know this happens to most people, but I beat myself up for it.  Take under eating and combine that with stress and that my friend is a recipe for disaster in my life.  I can undo all of the good things I have done throughout the week in one sitting.  I have said before that I am a stress eater, so take being hungry (I always joke and sing the jingle for the board game "Hungry, Hungry Hippo) and starving yourself, put them together and I am BINGE EATING.  Luckily, the past few weeks I have really focused on trying to just eat enough to feel full.  I have not been PERFECT, I will never be, BUT I have been able to not do so much damage.  It is not easy, but I am forcing myself.
I am also beating the hell out of myself mentally because I didn't go to the gym yesterday.  I usually teach a spin class in the morning, but the gym was closed due to a power outage.  There was so much that needed to been done at the store, I just went there early and skipped my workout.  I beat myself up for that all day too.  When I got home, I was almost in tears because I missed my cardio day.  Brian gave me a hug and said "Sweetie, you can make it up another day...it's just cardio."  I know he is right, I can just go for a double sometime between Thursday and Saturday to make it up, but the mental aspect is still there.  He also tried to get me to see all of the things that we got accomplished in the store, things that really needed to be done.  I love him to death (but I hate that he is always right LoL).  He always tells me, "One day at a time."

With each new day, there is a new beginning.  Time to start that day with some positive thoughts.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Sometimes we need a little help

This is one of my character defaults.  I have a very hard time asking for help, even when things are not going so well and I am struggling.  If you look at the photo...this little tug boat is pulling a HUGE boat.  This is so relative to our lives.  Sometimes we need to swallow our pride and admit that we can't do it on our own.  Everyone need a little help sometimes, everyone including myself.  I haven take a huge step today and putting my hand out there for someone to grab onto and hopefully pull me back in.
Life becomes overwhelming at times and can make your judgement clouded.  Sometimes we need to just allow God to guide us toward our destiny.  We need to let go and let God.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline.

Since I have started working toward my dream, to compete in a figure or physique show, I have realized I need to set small goals along the way.  A year is a long time, but when you look back it really isn't long at all.  When I first started on my fitness journey, the trainer I worked with instilled in me some ideas that have continued to stick with me.  Jordan (my trainer) always said I should have a long term goals AND short term goals.  That way I would always have something I am working toward, since the long term goals was always something that would take time.  I sat down in the beginning of the month and tried to figure out what I could work toward the next few weeks.  I decided that burning 3500 calories a week was it.  I have had a heart rate monitor, Garmin Forerunner 110, since June of last year and wear it every time I go to the gym or do a workout.  It was time to start using it for something different.
The Garmin Connect program is an awesome tool, but I was really using every feature it has to offer.  There is a section under "Plan" that allows me to set goals for myself.  I chose the calorie goal.  The past three weeks have been HARD.  As you can see, I didn't actually hit 100% until last week.  Between work and life, it isn't easy to get to the gym and have enough time to work toward that goal.  But I am making the necessary changes in my life so I CAN achieve my goals.  I am not making excuses and if it looks like I am not going to hit goal that week, I will add a cardio session in to make sure I get there now.

I will be setting different goals each month, but as time goes on, the 3500 calorie a week goal will still be there.  I want to be able to create new habits.  Once this is easy for me, I will figure out what I should try to conquer next.  Happy Monday!

"Don't dream it, be it."

This is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me.

I have one of my best friends to thank for this quote.  She introduced me to Katy Perry and I even went to see the movie she made because of this friend.  The lyrics in this song motivate me every time I hear them.  No matter what anyone says or does to me, they cannot take my heart away from me.
It seems like there are a lot of people in life who want to tear you down, just to make themselves feel better.  Their lives are somehow incomplete and you have something they are lacking.  So these people need to make you feel insecure in your life to make them feel better about themselves.  It is so twisted.  Brian tells me all the time that I need to just ignore others and not let them rent space in my head.  He says every time I allow them the time in my thoughts, when I dwell on something, I am letting them win.  I am giving them what they want, questioning myself, my actions, reactions, feelings, thoughts....essentially questioning who I am .  I am ALLOWING them to win.
It is so hard to just brush things off.  It is hard to not dwell on things, especially when someone says something to knock down your confidence.  This is probably one of my biggest downfalls.  I am still trying to learn how to break this bad habit.  Most of the time, I am allowing it to happen because I want the approval from the people who are knocking me down.  I want to show them I am not what they think, that I can be better, that I am good enough for them, even if it means changing for them.  THAT does not happen now, I have learned NOT to change for anyone.  I still want to prove that I am good enough though.
I have been trying over the past few weeks to use this as fuel for my fire, to push me further in my training, my eating, just use it as my motivation.  As I have said before, success is the best revenge.  I just need to keep evolving in every aspect of my life and continue to be honest and forthcoming with people.  Even if I am not in a good spot now, down the road all of that will be rewarded.
The other thing Brian always says, "Play the tape through."  What will happen if I keep going in the direction I am headed?  Will I get the result I am expecting?  Dwelling on others opinions and negativity...will it take me to the next level and help me accomplish my goals?  NO.  I need to remember this, always.  They can't take my heart away from me, unless I let them.  And it's not going to happen.  Not now, not ever.

"This is the part of me that you're never gonna take away from me." - Katy Perry

"Don't dream it, be it."

Spin Class

I love working out and I love spin class.  I have been teaching class for the past 5 years and was finally Spinning certified in December.  It is a passion of mine and I enjoy sharing my love of spinning with others.  Even during the crazy storm yesterday, where the tornado touched down less than a mile from my gym and the beginning of the class started with a power outage, I still was able to deliver a great workout.  I am happy that I have been been given the opportunity to instruct.
I have toned down my cardio a little over the past few months, but still burn between 500 and 600 calories in an hour.  I have set a goal of burning 3500 calories a week so that I might be able to change my physique slowly and still be able to achieve my goal of putting more muscle mass on at the same time.  I am more motivated now than ever.  It's almost time to head off to the gym.  The link below is to yesterday's workout.

The Ocean Club - Spin by djaime at Garmin Connect - Details

"Don't dream it, be it."

The real journey begins...

I haven't posted on here in a few months.  I still haven't given up.  I am still pushing forward and working hard on my weight.  I struggle just like everyone else, but I have not and will not give up.
Since starting this blog, I have changed my mind a little on what my goals are.  I still want to lose weight, but now I am very motivated to try to compete.  It has been a dream of mine for the past 6 years...almost since I started working out!  In 2009 I was very close to being able to make that dream come true, but a series of unfortunate things happened and put a stop to it very quickly.  I have put a time frame on it now and I have begun my journey to the stage.  This road will not be easy and I am sure that I will want to give up A LOT along the way, but I am determined to get there.  Brian thinks that I can, so as long as he believes in me....I can do this.
The goal that I have set is to be stage ready by next spring/summer.  My main focus right now is to gain back the muscle mass I have lost over the past few years.  For the most part, my strength has not gone away, but I have lost some considerable size since 2009.  I know my weakest points are my shoulders, biceps and triceps, so I am going to need to focus on those closely for the next few months.  I have finally decided to not worry about the fat loss so much right now, since I can't necessarily cut my calories AND gain muscle mass at the same time.  Fat loss will come, I just need to be patient.
I found out not too long ago that I was severely under-eating for months!  I have not really mentioned this in my blog, but I am a part of Hard Core Nutrition, a supplement store in Manahawkin, NJ.  We recently invested in the BodyGem, a medical device which tells you your resting metabolic rate.  Well my RESTING METABOLIC RATE was 1820!  That is really HIGH!  And I was eating anywhere between 1400 and 1600 calories a day, that's what the calorie tracking programs told me I needed.  That's really anywhere from 600-800 BELOW what I really need for fat loss, which means I was stalling the process.  This was a big life saver, I am now less hungry and feel so much better because I can eat the amount of food my body REALLY requires.  I am so excited I did the test, it has made me a happier person because I am no longer starving!
I am sitting down today, after I type up a myriad of meal plans for people from the store, to work on my own meal plan AGAIN and to map out my workouts for the next 4 weeks.  A notebook will be in tote at the gym again.  It's time to get down and dirty and really get myself conditioned for this dream.  I had the opportunity to meet a few more pro's in the industry recently.  Universal Nutrition made a pit stop at the store a few weeks ago and a friend invited my to Diamond Gym with her to meet IFBB Pro Physique Competitor Dana Linn Bailey too.  We have also been to the NY Pro this year and went to Jason Arntz's NPC Muscle Beach last night.  Those are the things that are making me even more motivated!  Especially seeing a friend of my aunt's competing after having 3 kids AND being close to 50 years old.  She looks amazing and has done an awesome job of transforming her body.  I am both envious and motivated!
This post is soooo long today, but there is so much on my mind.  I can't wait to watch my body once again transform and start showing those muscles.  I am ready to start.  I will try to post an update at least once a month, if not once a week.  If you chose to follow me, you will not regret it.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Honesty, Sincerity, Integrity

So, last night I realized something.  I am honest in my words, I am sincere in my actions and I have integrity.  Those things will get you pretty far in life.  I am surrounded in an industry in which people find it ok to lie, cheat and basically steal.  It sucks.  Some people lie about little things, others lie about big things.  It doesn't really matter what you are lying about really, because in the end people will find out what the truth REALLY is.
I can think of a about a half dozen people, right off the top of my head, that have lied to me about doing a bodybuilding, figure or fitness competition.  Men and women.  I am commend these people for trying to sculpt their bodies and get on stage almost NAKED, dieting the whole way and being miserable while doing it.  It is not an easy feat, it is a very difficult lifestyle and challenge.  BUT, what I don't like is when someone LIES right to my face and says they placed 1st, 2nd, 3rd OR EVEN 4th in these competitions.  If you are only competing against 1, 2 or 3 other people, BY DEFAULT YOU WILL PLACE!  WTF?  Really???  I have been disappointed by numerous people over the years who have looked me in the eye after I asked them how they did and they have said with PRIDE, "I placed 1st."  Never followed by, I was the only one on stage.  I have said congratulations to these people, have looked at them in AWE, because I don't think I could get over being half naked in front of a crowd of people I didn't know, while people were JUDGING ME and THEY WON.  But I was disappointed after doing a little recon to find out these people were competing against themselves OR a limited amount of people who weren't anywhere near competition ready.  How is that a competition?
I guess the only way to end this rant is to just say what my fiance always says, "The truth will come to the light."

Keep pushing forward...

The past few weeks haven't been easy at all, particularly last week. My fiancé has been sick and running the store is not easy for one person. I got to the gym ONCE but for the most part was able to control my eating. Even though it was crazy busy, I was able to make it through the week. I even slept in today, I missed yoga, which hasn't happened in weeks. I am not upset with myself. I think my body needed a rest from the daily beating in the gym. I just need to wake up in the morning and start my week out right, getting to the gym. Sometimes you fall off track, you just need to pick yourself up and get right back on. With that said, it's bedtime for this one! Goodnight!

Eating healthy...

Trying very hard to eat healthy every day. Pizza & pancakes, yum!

Consistency

I have been TRYING to be consistent with this blog, I have not been doing very well with it.  What sucks is I have time during the day to get my thoughts out, but haven't remembered to do it.  I am still holding strong with my diet and my workouts.  At least I have been consistent in that part of my life!  I am going to try to make my best effort to continue writing on here.  Off to the gym in a few!

"Don't dream it, be it."

Never quit.

So, today is the first day in about a month that I have felt like I am fighting a losing battle.  I have been on point with food and exercise and suddenly my body decides to retain a ridiculous amount of water pretty much OVERNIGHT.  I am frustrated to say the least.  How can I possibly continue to eat right and get to the gym everyday if my BODY is fighting my mind?  My fiance says to make an appointment with the doctor; I am not sure what good that will really do.  Honestly, he wants me to go to a doctor who uses mainstream and homeopathic treatments.  I still think that the doctors think I am crazy.
I know my body.  I see what is going on.  One week out of the month, I am leaner looking and not retaining an ass load of water.  I know I am losing too, but the scale has not budged since I started a month ago.  I was in tears this morning and I am trying to choke back the tears as I type this now.  I don't want to have my efforts go to waste.  I know that internally I am doing my body good, but I want it to reflect externally too.  Have I messed up my metabolism and hormones so much from the years of horrible eating, that my body is rebelling?  Seriously, what do I have to do?
I am weighing all my food for the next week or so.  I don't know what else I can do to change the way I look.  I estimated my food, maybe I was still overeating? I have no idea.  I don't know what to do.  I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

One thing I do know, is regardless of what my body is deciding for me, I am not going to quit.  I will win.  I am not going to let this drag me down and knock me off my course.  I have a serious goal in mind and I will get there no matter what I have to do.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I am not here to talk.

Again this morning, my alarm went off at 6:00 AM and I didn't want to get out of bed. I am tired, I want to sleep, but I got my ass out from under the covers and made my shake and went to the gym.

When I got there, one of the people I am friends with walked up to me and literally got in my face and said "What's up Dev?" and continued to walk right next to me. I was very angry. My response, "I'm BUSY." I don't have much time these days to spend in the gym. I work every day and I have regular life things to take care of. I have about an hour a day that I can take to workout. I may have sounded like a total bitch, but really, I am not in the gym to socialize. I am there to workout and leave. I will wave, I will nod, I will say hello, but to have a conversation or gossip is not a part of my gym routine.
I am done being nice, I am done letting people walk all over me. I am on a mission and I don't care. If you are in my way, I will let you know. If you are annoying me, I will tell you. I won't be rude about it, but I will straight up tell you. I am not sorry either, I am being honest. Just leave me alone and let me do me.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Winners never quit, quitters never win.

It has been almost 3 weeks since I have started my 2nd transformation.  I have been logging my food everyday and waking up in the morning and CURSING my alarm.  Even thought it goes off at 6AM, I still get my sorry ass out of bed.  I have started my 2 day a week 2 a day workouts too.  This is a huge accomplishment for me, since for the past two years I have made it to the gym at most 4 days a week.  I have gotten to the gym almost every day, except the few days I was sick.
The feeling you get knowing that in the end this will pay off is amazing.  When the alarm goes off, I don't want to get up.  I WANT to go back to sleep.  I WANT to just stay curled up under the warm blankets and pretend I didn't hear it.  BUT I DON'T.  I WANT to look my best and feel my best.  The difference in my mood is amazing.  I am happier and I have more energy.  Today is the first day that I have actually wanted a nap.  It's insane.
Brian, my fiance, has been encouraging, as he always is.  He notices the difference in my body.  I know I am losing, even if that God forsaken scale doesn't want to move.  I am eating what I need to eat every day, hitting my calorie count almost on the mark.  I will be better, I will do better, I will succeed.  I am a winner, I am not a quitter.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Success is the best revenge.

No lie.  Success IS the best revenge.  I have been on point for the past two weeks with my food.  I have not lied to myself and have been actually enjoying the food I am eating.  The other day I went to the gym and someone I used to be friendly with was there working out too.  It really amazed me that I looked so much better in two weeks and this person didn't look very different from the last time I saw them about a year ago.  I have to say, it just made me push HARDER that day.  I pushed myself to my limits with my workout, just because I KNEW the harder I pushed now, the better I would feel and look tomorrow.  Sometimes I have to just let those people rent space for a short period of time so that I can push harder.  I want to succeed, because that will make others inspired or jealous.  Hopefully, I can inspire more.  I try to surround myself with good people, but once and a while there is going to be that bad egg.

"Don't dream it, be it."

It works if you work it.

This week was an awesome week for me.  I have been eating yummy food and staying within my calorie range for the day.  I made it to the gym 5 days, even if it was just cardio because I have been sick.  The bigger more exciting thing was putting on my sports bra that I have been wearing an extender in and being able to take the extender OFF.  That means I have lost at LEAST 1 inch around in my "chest" measurement.  One week, more motivation.

Hard work and determination really pay off.  It works if you work it.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Progress, not perfection.

This is a simple saying that I can say with honesty.  NOBODY is perfect and NO ONE will ever be.  Why do I choose to beat myself up trying to be perfect?  It's not worth the time or effort, I could be using it toward making progress.  I am happy today because I set a goal of holding myself accountable with my diet and exercise program.  So far, so good.  By no means was I perfect the past week, but I did stick to the plan; the plan being track my food and my exercise.

This is better than I have ever done in the past.  Progress, not perfection.  I have been able to get to the gym 5 days the past week and kept within my calorie range to lose weight.  In the past, I was only able to track things for 3 days at a clip and not put my exercise into the equation.  I have been using a heart rate monitor for my actual calories burned and plugging that into the program online, along with every bite of food I consume every day.
The only way I can continue to try to achieve my goal, is to keep holding myself accountable for the decisions I make.  If I mess up, I can't beat the hell out of myself, that will not help me progress.  I need to look at the good I have done and pick myself up, brush off the mistake and keep moving forward.  Today is another day to make more progress.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Fear, Anger and Resentment

Fear: to be afraid or apprehensive.

Anger: a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.

Resentment: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.

I have to stop being afraid to take care of myself.  I am always trying to make sure everyone else is taken care of.  Truth is, I need to be taken care of too.  I have needs, wants, goals AND limits.  I have to set better boundaries for myself and my time.  I want to be able to keep my eating habits under control.  The only way to truly do this is to set better boundaries and stick to them.

I need to say no more often to people and stop feeling sorry about it.  I didn't cause the situation for the person to ask for help, so it's not my fault and I don't need to feel guilty about it.  Every time I choose to say yes to someone when I really shouldn't leads to anger and then resentment.  I start to burden myself by saying yes and then get stressed about it.  I am more important than anything someone could ask of me, if I am not 100%, then I am not really of any use.

I have made the decision to be more courageous and "just say no".

"Don't dream it, be it."

Out of Despair Find Hope

Fast forward to 2013.  I have been able to keep MOST of my weight off.  I have been up and down on the scale and after being diagnosed with Celiac's two years ago you would THINK I could drop faster. NOPE.  I am most definitely a food addict.  Even thought my diet consists of protein shakes, chicken breast, lean ground turkey, vegetables, brown rice, sweet potatoes, etc., I still have a problem with portion control.  I struggle right now to drop below 160 lbs.  I have been comfortable with myself and my body, but would LOVE to lose a few pants sizes.
In 2009 I was able to get my muscle mass up tremendously and my body fat very low and my weight was 130-135 lbs.  I went from being a size 10/12 to a size 5/7!  For me, that is AWESOME.  Never in a million years when I started this whole transformation did I think I would get anywhere near a size 8, let alone a size 5/7; nor did I think that I would be weighing 130-135 lbs when I weighed 210 lbs at the start.  MY motivation was there, the workouts were there and the diet was dead on.  So, what happened you ask?
Life happened.  Old habits die hard, it's the truth.  My fiance was having stomach issues toward the end of 2009 and found out he needed his gallbladder removed.  Surgery was not something that was easy for me (even though he was the one going under).  We had just opened the store about 9 months prior to this and a majority of our customers where men between the ages of 16-24 years old.  Unfortunately, a lot of them didn't want to talk to ME because I am a WOMAN. Yes, I know, a new millennium and STILL women don't get treated like equals LOL.  Whatever.  We set the date for him to go in for surgery and closed the store that day so I could be there with him.  That kinda started the downward spiral for me.
The stress of trying to take care of Brian, being at a retail store doing the volume of business that we do by myself,  trying to get my workouts in and making sure I was eating right took a toll on me mentally.  That's when I started to fall off track with eating and I woke up in the morning exhausted from working all day and chose not to get to the gym a few days.  We were open 7 days a week at that  point and I was there for close to 2 weeks by myself while Brian was recovering.  When I am overwhelmed, I used to go to the gym to get out my frustration.  Not this time, I was mentally broken and physically exhausted.  My body said no and my brain was not willing to fight, so, like I said, old habits die hard.  I reverted back to the comfort of food and started to binge eat.
Over the next couple of months I stopped the binge eating, but it was too late.  I was way off routine.  My fiance was healed and back to the store in two weeks, but I was broken.  I had somehow lost the will and determination to continue eating totally clean and religiously get to the gym.  To relieve stress I would go to the pizza or Chinese food place and get my drug of choice or eat cake or cookie or candy, whatever was going to make me happy.  My thought process was so far off, I would literally tell myself that I was fine and didn't need to be a size 5/7.  I was lying to myself, making excuses for my behavior.  I went from being a size 5/7 to a 9 very quickly, telling myself, it's only one size, not big deal.  It isn't really, but what happened over the next two years is.
In 2010, we moved our retail store to a new location in June AND in September my fiance was diagnosed with skin cancer.  He was going to need surgery to have it removed.  Another excuse for me to eat.  About a week and a half of being at the store by myself, but we were only open 6 days a week now.  More stress, more aggravation and more 16-24 year old guys who didn't want to talk to me. "Where's Brian?" was all I heard.  Can you say STRESSED?
2011 and 2012 were my years to shine in the medical community.  In the beginning of 2011, I started to have an allergic reaction to something and my face was breaking out, enter the steroid creams.  Join that with some severe stomach problems.  I was in the ER in January because I couldn't stop vomiting and my stomach was cramping so badly I couldn't even keep a sip of water down.  Left the ER that night doped up on morphine with no diagnosis of what was wrong.  Followed up with a gastro doctor and went through a ton of testing to find out that MY gallbladder was working at about 30%, LOL.  At the same time, I was diagnosed with Celiac's disease.  No acid reflux or anything like that though.  That only took 3 months to figure out.  I asked if I should have the gallbladder removed, since it was causing pain and I was told no because it was "still working at 30% and they usually don't recommend having it out unless it is at 20% or below". Um, ok...you're the doctor.
I avoided fats and wheat like the plague, but the pain continued.  It got to the point at the end of August where I was eating dry chicken breast and dry brown rice and getting nauseous after I ate.  I went to my regular doctor to get an opinion on the gallbladder situation and he looked at copies of the tests from the gastro and said it sounded like I was having a problem with acid reflux. WTF? I didn't have heartburn and there were no signs of acid reflux from my endoscopy...he said I probably developed it over the past few months.  Um, ok...again, you're the doctor.  He gave me a prescription for Prilosec and I left.  That was a Thursday, filled the script took a pill and OMG things got so bad.  I am not even going to describe the results, just know that the next 4 days were very uncomfortable and I didn't need Prilosec.  Brian and I talked and he told me to just go consult with the surgeon.
I did.  That Monday I was squeezed in and after looking at my tests, he wanted to take my gallbladder out the next day!  I scheduled for the surgery in a week and got that thing out.  The surgeon said I was on the verge of an infection because my gallbladder was so inflamed.  Really?  I would have never guessed from the excruciating pain I was in.
Enter a month off from the gym.  I had already been off my game for awhile, this just made it worse.  A month off?  Try doing that and getting back into the swing of things.  NOPE, not me.  Will and determination were out the window, 2012 came and I was no more motivated.  I was comfortable at my now size 11 pants.  I accepted that my body liked being 160-165 lbs and I was just going to maintain. HAHA!  I got back up to 170 lbs and those size 11 pants were PRETTY SNUG by the summer.  AND...by the end of the summer we were moving the store AGAIN. During the super storm/hurricane SANDY of all things.
STRESS, I can't stress it enough.  It is my nemesis.  It is the devil.  It is the driving force behind my eating habits.  I had a long conversation with my fiance around the time of the move.  I told him I couldn't do this anymore, I needed to be able to focus on myself.  I needed to get my food, workouts and routines in check.  I told him after the store was finished (it's still not totally done and it's January!) that I wanted to be able to fix myself.  Those pants fitting too tight and the scale being up so much was my breaking point again.  I didn't want to be that fat girl in the Fashion Bug dressing room bawling my eyes out again.  I made a promise to myself that those jeans were going to go in the garbage by the middle of December 2012 because I was going to drop a pant size, and I did.  I bought size 9's.
There is hope for me after all...

"Don't dream it, be it."