Humbly Dedicated

ded•i•cat•ed adj. - wholly committed to a cause, ideal, or personal goal

It's very interesting what goes through my head when I wake up, well maybe not just when I wake up.  I thought about why I wanted to compete.  I keep pushing toward this goal and even though I more motivated than ever, I still have doubts about myself.  I still look at myself in the mirror and think that I won't be able to do this.  The thoughts that cross my mind are crazy!  Even though I have the support around me that I need, I still don't see how I am going to be able to do this. 

I looked up the word dedicated...weird.  I wanted to make sure that the words I am using were being applied the right was to my life.  I am truly dedicated to my goal, I fit the text book definition of the word.  I just couldn't figure out why I was doubting myself everyday.  If I am "dedicated" shouldn't that mean I am confident in myself?  Shouldn't that mean I am see myself attaining my goal and being on stage, contest ready?  What was the problem????  I have been scratching my head for days.  Then it hit me, something my father has said my entire life to me.  "Humble yourself."

hum·ble adj. - Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful

Although I didn't attend church often as a child, I was raised in a religious family.  My father often used quotes from the Bible.  One thing that sticks out in my mind as an adult are those words, "Humble yourself."  He would say that when I was getting to egotistical about ANYTHING.  He would also say that I was "entitled to anything".  My dad is a smart man.  Even though I didn't understand what he was saying too much, I learned to not walk around thinking I was better than anyone else and that I needed to work hard to get what I wanted.  Nothing in my life was handed to me, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Thinking about my goal this morning, it finally sank in on what my problem was.  I am confident, I am dedicated, BUT I am also humble.  Yesterday, a guy was in the store and told me he has been reading my blog.  He also said that I was an "excellent writer".  I was actually embarrassed!  And then I had to go in the back room because I was choking back tears.  I am tearing up a little thinking about that moment now....

I don't think that I am better than anyone else.  I don't think that I deserve anything.  I don't walk around with my nose in the air looking down at other people.  I am not arrogant.  I am no different than anybody else in this world.  I chose to share parts of my life and my story with you, not to make you look up to me or to make you feel like I have done something extraordinary.  I chose to share this part of me with you to help you see that I am not much different than you, that there are other people out there struggling in similar ways.

I struggle, just like you.  I work, just like you.  I fail, just like you.  I will succeed, just like you.  I will continue to work toward my goal, competing in a figure or physique show sometime next year.  I will work toward this goal, to better myself along the way.  The goal isn't really to be better than anyone else, but to be better than I was before.  I will stay humbly dedicated to my dream, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."