Self esteem, self confidence and self respect.

Somehow, some way over the past few years I have allowed negative thoughts to cloud my mind.  A few years ago, self esteem, self confidence and self respect were all pretty high.  I put myself first where and when I needed to, I walked with my head held high, I could look in the mirror and say to myself "You are strong and beautiful, inside and out."  After a series of events over the past few years, all of the negative self talk was able to edge it's way back into my brain.  Instead of waking up everyday and being happy to be alive, I was dreading the day...the workout, the job, the cooking, cleaning, shopping...it didn't matter what it was, I looked at everything as a stone tied to my leg dragging me down.  Even though my life is not "perfect", it is good.  I have an awesome supportive boyfriend, who is willing to marry my crazy ass, a business, a job teaching spin which I enjoy, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, a car to drive...So what's the problem?
It's funny how you can look back when you are in a better place and see how things got to be the way they are.  Now, looking back at the past 4 years of my life, I can see exactly when, where and how I dug my own hole.  When we first opened our store, we were still personal training, working at the store AND keeping to a workout regime.  Slowly, as the days passed, we both started to realize that the store was very busy and that we couldn't continue to personal train, so Brian started to have some healthy issues and working out started to become less of a priority because he was sick and I was working the store alone.  Enter the weight gain, because I stress eat AND I was not working out as much...double blow to my body.  More health problems...both Brian and me.  Even less working out, busy store, less meal prepping...I don't need to keep going, it was a disaster.  We both allowed ourselves to fall off track, hard.
Every time I thought was climbing out of the hole, it seems like the devil stepped in and pushed me back into it and dug the hole even deeper.  I over think everything and stress about everything, that really doesn't do much for positive thinking.  It's always what if, if we did this different, but why does it have to be this way, it can't change, it won't change, how can I make it different when it's the same everyday, what's the point, it used to be like this...not really good thinking AT ALL.  Instead of trying to be productive and using time more efficiently, I would sit there using the time to think like this.  THEN, look in the mirror and see myself 30-40 lbs heavier depending on what year it was, seeing all of the hard work and effort going to waste, blaming myself for not doing better, being better...telling myself I am never going to be where I want to be, saying I am going to gain all of the weight back no matter what so I should just give up.  What good did that do?  I was digging the hole deeper, I was pushing myself further down, there was no one else doing it, it was ME.
No one is going to come along and magically make all of your problems disappear.  There is no fairy Godmother that can wave a magic wand and turn you into a princess (or a bodybuilder LOL).  The only person who has the power to do that is you.  I have to keep that statement in the forefront of my thoughts everyday, otherwise I will be talking myself out of everything I would like to see happen in my life.  Sometimes we have to continue to dig the hole deeper and keep falling back in before we can climb out.  Sometimes that hole is making us stronger, even if we don't realize it.  I am not unhappy about any of the experiences I have had in my life, good or bad, I just need to look at each situation and learn from it.  I have everything I need to change whatever I want to change.  I can make my life miserable or make my life happy.  I have to let go of one bad thing that happens taking over all of the good things in my life.  I need to look in the mirror again and say "You are beautiful and strong, inside and out."  Only then will I have back my self esteem, self confidence and self respect.  Just for today, I will walk with my head held high and proud of who I am.  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."