You're Beautiful

13 years ago, Brian was working at a car wash. I'd often go there to have lunch with him or just get one of the cars washed and see him. I had only started my fitness journey 7 months before, I was still overweight. There was one summer day, we ate lunch together and I was walking away to my car. His coworkers, all men, asked him, "Why are you with her? You could do so much better."  He said to them, "You see that girl walking away? That's wifey material." Brian’s response has repeated in my mind for years. He taught me a valuable lesson that day, it’s not what is on the outside that matters but the inside. He saw the dedication I had toward anything that mattered to me and how loyal I was to anything I had love for.

The human mind is a tricky place, we tend to focus on our defects as opposed to our strengths. I often criticize myself. My weight is always something I brood about but it isn’t the only thing I feel uncomfortable with. I have always hated photos because of my teeth. As a teenager, I was in the process of getting braces when my parents lost dental insurance and were never able to follow through with the treatment. As an adult, I had started the process again, having my wisdom teeth taken out and 3 more teeth removed to get braces. I was scheduled to get an impacted tooth out of my upper palette when finances changed and I could no longer afford to continue with the treatment plan. That was almost 20 years ago and I am no longer in a position to fix my smile.

Being as heavy as I was, I have stretch marks not only on my stomach but my breasts, arms and legs as well. Some of these are deep and often painful. As I lose more body fat, extra skin begins to hang on my stomach and chest. I had always worried about losing weight and not being able to cover the stretch marks up or deal with my sagging skin. I remember laying on my bed and seeing my stomach flat with the scars and skin, I began to cry. Brian had looked at me and asked what was wrong. As I explained my worries, he responded, “those are your battle scars, think of it as earning your tiger stripes.” He never looked at my body as repulsive like I did. He loved me as a human being. The physical aspects weren’t as important to him.

I’ve discovered over the past year, my personality is an attraction to people. Last year, I started talking to someone. In our first conversation they said, "You have an aura about you. You seem kind hearted and just cool.” Another person recently said, “I’d like to be friends with you, you just seem like a person who is easy to talk to without judgement.” I hadn’t really known these people, but somehow they knew me right away. Over the course of my life, I've been friends with many people. Some have gone, but some have come back into my life. Almost every one of them that has returned has said I impacted them in a positive way. I never realized the way I've touched people's lives until recently.

There are many more things I could elaborate on, but I'll stop with these. Just this week, I was told by a few people that I was beautiful. I am learning more and more to love myself the way I am. Physical defects are not what make who you are, it's your personality and character. I'm allowing more photos and videos of myself to be taken, I am becoming more comfortable in my battered skin and letting my personality to shine through. I've always been told it's what's on the inside that counts and at almost 40 years old I am finally starting to believe it.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness...

13 year difference: Age 26 VS. Age 39

Today, as I look back at these photos, I realize 2005 was a turning point in my life. I weighed over 200 lbs, wore a size 22 pants and XXL men’s shirt. By the end of that year, I became fed up with being miserable with the path I was on. The search for a gym started in January of 2006. I toured the 3 gyms in Manahawkin and decided that The Ocean Club, now Tilton Fitness, was the one for me. The day I signed up, a commitment was made to my health and I made an investment in not only with a gym membership but personal training as well. I was self-conscious and scared of being in the gym on my own. I knew I needed guidance in the gym because I knew virtually nothing about working out and quickly learned that I also needed an appointment to keep me on track. Over the next year many things changed in my life. I lost 60 lbs and was a size 9 in pants and medium women’s shirts, after almost 10 years of marriage I got divorced, I changed careers and became a personal trainer alongside the love of my life (Brian) and wanted to change people’s lives like I did.

Weight loss was such a small part of the transformation that came from joining the gym. The path I set for myself all those years ago wasn’t just about changing me physically, it was also mental. That scared, self-conscious young woman blossomed into a confident, determined and strong-willed woman. There have been many years where I gained weight since 2005, one of the things that was different was my mindset, I knew that it was only temporary and I had the tools to be healthy again. In May of 2017, I made a real effort to change my lifestyle again. Unfortunately, 2017 was not kind to me and the universe had another plan. Many people know my story and know that I lost Brian in June, 2017. He was my biggest supporter and the main reason I am the person I am today.  I could have gone a different direction after losing him, eating my feelings and falling further off the wagon with my exercise routine. Instead I channeled my sorrow into something positive like Brian would have wanted me to and truly discussed just before he passed away. I slowly got back into a real exercise routine and better eating habits. 

By April of this year, I buckled down on my diet more, picked up another spin class during the week and discovered roller skating as a new form of cardio for myself. It's been about 6 months since I mentally committed to a real change in my life. I weighed 186 lbs, was a size 15 pants and wore a large men's t-shirt. Today, I weigh about 155 lbs, wear a size 9 pants and medium shirt in women's clothing. The physical changes are great, but my mental health is better than it's ever been. I still have my days where I get in my head, I cry over the losses in my life and generally feel like my life is over. On those days, I talk myself into getting to the gym or skating because when I skip I know what I feel like after I do. The mental health benefits that come from exercise outweigh the physical ones for me at this point in my life.

The photo on the left was taken on the first trip in my life to Ellis Island with the Statue of Liberty in the background;  the symbol of liberty and freedom, “Liberty Enlightening the World”. In a way having that photo taken with the Statue in the background symbolizes the liberation that set me free from being the overweight, unhealthy, angry, solemn, bitter person pictured. Not only did losing Brian, my father and my 2 grandmothers all within a year and a half make me realize how precious life is, it made me return to being a healthy and strong person both mentally and physically. 

We only get one life to live and one body to live through, I want to make sure I take care of myself the best way I know how and hopefully help others do the same along the way.

"Be it, don't dream it."

My New Adventure...ROLLER DERBY!

5 years ago I started this blog because I wanted to share my journey to competing in a bodybuilding show. Due to many different obstacles, I never completed that goal. I decided that competing really wasn't for me and not for a lack of trying. I started reading a little book that Greg from GCode Nutrition gave to me and it's very interesting to see how we view the world in the same way. One of the first chapters in his paperback is about his passion for basketball and the dream of becoming a professional player, the time, discipline and effort he devoted to the sport. In the end, Greg did not become that NBA star, his dream crushed after years of dedication. That's basically what happened with my dream of becoming a figure competitor. What is described in this chapter is essentially what has happened to me throughout my life with many things I have tried to become, including a "bodybuilder". When Greg writes about his experience with basketball, it's not the failure of becoming a star it is the lesson he learned, he was equipped with the tools that would serve him for the rest of his life. The same holds true for me.

I wrote in my very first blog post that I have never been an athlete or played organized sports. In 9th grade, I took a chance at trying out for softball. I had never played in my life and could only throw and catch the ball. I couldn't swing and hit a ball for my life. Most of the others trying out had been playing since they were children and I didn't make the cut. That is the extent of my experience with sports. I have also written about my new found passion for roller skating. About 2 weeks ago, a customer and friend tagged me on a Jersey Shore Roller Girls Facebook post. The team was starting their "Fresh Meat" program for roller derby, "Pork Rollers". My initial response was, "I can't do that because I can't afford to get injured." Someone responded from JSRG and said, "it's not as dangerous as you think" and that got me thinking...I watched a bout last month and it didn't really look as crazy as I thought. In came Professor Google and I started reading blog posts, watching videos and learning more about what roller derby really is. After some careful research, I learned roller derby in the 70s and 80s was often scripted and rehearsed. The rules have changed since then, safety and fairness are important. To be quite honest, elbows to the face, tripping, punching, shoving, grabbing and head butting other teams isn't allowed. The women are still pushing and shoving each other around, there are bruises and injuries, but practice and bouts are more about the game strategy than trying to injure other players. I have never played a sport in my life and at the age of 39 years, 7 months and 23 days I have decided to joined a full contact sport. I emailed the group and wanted to get myself training, August 13, 2018 was my first night.

I was welcomed with open arms at the door by Cray, she is the head of the organization, and some other women. I handed in the paperwork and fee for the session and was directed over to get "geared up". I have my own skates and I bought a molded mouth guard, but I needed all of the protective gear and the team had plenty for the new recruits to borrow. I sorted through everything, trying on knee pads, wrist guards, embarrassing myself trying on elbows pads (I put knee pads on my elbows!), and finding a helmet that fit my head properly. Kelly, who I met through Coach Diana, was also there. It was great to see a familiar face and made me feel a little less intimidated. After all the Pork Rollers were geared up, we met Jacki who would be coaching us. Fortunately, all the Pork Rollers felt comfortable enough to skate, so we immediately went out and did a couple laps, then some stretching. We got right into learning how to fall, AHHHHH. Knee taps, this was scary for me. You're skating and basically falling onto one knee in a lunge without touching the floor and getting back up without using your hands. I took a deep breath, skated forward and fell onto my right knee, hands up and got up without touching my leg. WOW, I did something right. On the way back, I fell onto the left which was a little harder for me. But I'll get stronger as I practice on and off skates. We moved onto double knee taps, derby stance, skated in a "pack", wall drills and even learned how to t-stop, something I wasn't able to do for the past 4 months. Needless to say, I was a sweaty mess, more because of anxiety than the exercise itself.

About halfway through our practice, Cray came over with a group of women. She announced that we were all being assigned a "Big Sister". My Big Sister is MILF, yes MILF lol. All of the girls have derby names, eventually I guess I'll have one. MILF was quick to speak with me and I'm happy that I have someone I can ask questions and get to train with. By the end of the evening, I was even more excited to be joining this team than I was when I walked in. I was asked by quite a few of the girls if I was going to come and train with them on Thursday and Friday. Initially I said I'm not sure and the more I thought about it on the way home, the more I thought I should. I am never going to be able to learn and pass the required tests if I don't practice. I had a little anxiety about giving up my Friday nights at open skate because it's been my routine for the past 4 months and it's just a fun night. I weighed out what was more important to me at this point, hanging out and just skating around or learning the skills I would need to play derby? I wouldn't be dedicating myself if I didn't go and skate with the team on Friday's. Needless to say, I will be skating Monday, Thursday and Friday's with the JSRG. I will still have my fun night of skating on Wednesday's and once I get all of the protective gear I will be able to skate at Doc Cramer in the roller hockey rinks there. If roller skating wasn't my life before, it has become that now.

My life has always been hectic, Brian and I used to joke that we worked better under pressure than without a deadline. I haven't lost focus on the store, the gym or my spin classes. I just know that I will  not be able to relax and watch as much television as I did before. My DVR will probably start giving me anxiety as soon as the fall shows start, every time that thing reaches 50% full I have a panic attack. What is more important to me at this point though? Some fictional shows that take my mind off the real world or a sport that will allow me to do the same? I want to be my best and I am ready to devote whatever time and effort I have left in my life to training for this team.

"Don't Dream It, Be It."

Serenity, Katy Perry and...ROLLER SKATING (Of Course!)

As I sit here in the silence of my home, with only the sound of vehicles racing by, there is a sense of peace that resonates inside of me. I feel like I am finally finding serenity. I have started to settle into the life that has been so tragically changed. The past few months have been extremely difficult dealing with the "anniversary" of Brian's death and all of the emotions that have presented themselves to me. I often find myself having flashbacks to the days leading up to June 30, 2017. Some of those memories make me sad to the point where I am uncontrollably sobbing and often crying myself to sleep. Others bring a wide smile to my face and make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. Regardless of what feeling decides to rear its head at any given moment, I continue to allow myself to ride the wave until it crashes at the shore.

When I first started dating Brian, he would always say to me that he never wanted to take away from the things I wanted to do with my life. He was never controlling, didn't stop me from trying new things and always supported any activity I wanted to try. He was well aware of how hectic my life was before we got together, I never had time to do anything for myself I was always working and was not able to take time to just be me. Within the past week, I have realized something important. I have never been "on my own". At the age of 18, I married and lived with my ex-husband and family until I was 27. From the age of 27 through 38, I lived with Brian and for the first few years we stayed with his family. Now, at 39 years old, I am living by myself for the first time. It has been a very scary yet exciting year.

What I have become aware of is: I need to be alone. I am not talking about being isolated from the world, I am talking about having an intimate relationship with myself. I've lived 21 years of my life in a relationship with another person and it started at a very early age. Many people cannot fathom this idea. The thought of not having another human being by their side is frightening to them. I am actually embracing this, learning how to comfort myself in the darkest of moments...laugh by myself...walk into a place I have never been before with the confidence that I don't need to have someone on my arm. Katy Perry has a song called "Pearl" and this song has made me cry on many occasions, today I listen to it and smile. The end of the song gives me such a sense of strength:

"But I woke up and grew strong
And I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl 

You don't have to be shell, no
You're the one that rules your world, oh
You are strong and you'll learn
That you can still go on 

And you'll always be a pearl 

She is unstoppable"

I have given up many of my dreams to satisfy the wants of others, sometimes because I was forced to and other times because I felt the need to. Today, I don't have an attachment to anyone and I am able to do what I want...when I want...how I want. I have found a new passion in roller skating, as many people know. I can see Brian standing in front of me telling me that I can do anything and if skating makes me happy then I should continue with it and practice. I even believe he would have told me I should try to play roller derby, even though I am scared to death to get hurt. It would have been him that convinced me to do something I don't believe I am capable of. Brian never stopped me from doing anything. 

Roller skating has been a source of great happiness to me for many reasons. I have been teaching Spin class for 10 years and lifting for over 12 years and although these activities bring joy and happiness to my life they aren't as challenging anymore. Roller skating is a new challenge, something to get better at. I get so excited when I learn a new move or trick. The whole reason I starting taking skating lessons was to learn the crossover. Every one I talk to at the rink and sees me skate thinks I am capable of doing it, but I haven't allowed my brain to trust my feet yet. The past two times I have been skating, I have been attempting a crossover. I haven't tripped myself yet, which I did a few months ago, so maybe I'll be doing this move soon. I have accepted that I am a newbie and I need to just continue to practice and master whatever move I want to learn. 

Talking to the managers at the rink a few weeks ago, I realized something. They pointed out they have never seen me without a smile on my face. They were right. There have been some times that I have arrived in a bad mood, something went wrong during the day and was eating me up inside. But the second I walk in, I am smiling, I am happy and all of my worries disappear. It may say sound silly, but inside that building is my escape from the world...it's like a mini vacation. I truly feel like I did when Brian held me, nothing else in the world matters when I am there. Every time someone asks me about skating I light up and get so excited to talk about it. I said in a previous post that I fell in love with roller skating, and it's 100% true. I am in a "love skate relationship". 
I am finding serenity. I am a pearl, I am unstoppable.





"Don't dream it...be it."

Picking myself up, everyday...

This week has been an emotionally draining week, so much that I skipped the gym to lift twice to sleep in and recover. June 20th, 2017 was the day Brian broke his foot. I awoke on that day this year to anxiety. I realized what was happening when I got to work and was cleaning and organizing everything and anything I could. When I feel anxious, cleaning is usually what I start doing because it's something that I can control and seems to help ease overwhelming feeling of panic that I have. Years ago, Brian pointed out that every time I was having a problem I would start cleaning and organizing. Now I pay attention to my actions and when this starts happening, I try to stop and think about what is causing the anxiety. It helps to recognize the root of the problem so that I can get through the roller coaster of emotions.

Not everything this week was bad. June 20th, 2018 started out anxiety and anger ridden, but ended with a feeling of great accomplishment. Wednesday's are my days for skating lessons. I got to the rink and my coach Diana could see I was not myself. I let her know I was having a bad day and I would be fine after I started skating. We went over my one foot rolls, scissors, skating the opposite direction and then began focusing on backward skating. It would be the 2nd week of practicing backwards. By the end of our session, I was getting more comfortable, but still not keeping proper form because it's just so WEIRD lol. There is a group lesson after my session and the kids were arriving to start class. I had helped a 4 year old little girl the week before and promised her I would skate again during class this week.

I skated off the rink over to her and asked if she wanted to skate with me again, kids can change their minds so quickly. She agreed and once her mother got her skates on her tiny little feet, I took her hand and marched off onto the rink with her. We practiced marching around to get her comfortable on her skates. I don't know how many times we went around, but I kept talking to her and trying to get her to let go of my hand but she was scared. I allowed her to hold my hand for as long as she needed. We marched for 5 steps and then rolled along. The coach had us all line up against the wall about 30 minutes into the lesson and then gave everyone a skill to practice. I was to take my little friend over to a circle on the rink and march around the circle with her. Surprisingly, the little girl let go of my hand as we marched over to the circle! She marched around the circle, marching and rolling and we changed directions, she was doing so well. I encouraged and congratulated her for doing it all by herself. By then end of the session her smile was wide and her parents were grateful, so was my coach. I had gotten this little girl to do something she was unable to do for weeks. That made me feel proud. I don't even know how I did it.

After the session ended, I ate my dinner and asked John (a ref) if he could put my new bearings in my skates. He agreed and while he was working on them, I was dancing around and laughing with another friend, Alyssa who is 11. The Cupid Shuffle came on and I had her live video me dancing to it in front of the skate rental. My skates were finished, I got out on the rink and felt the difference in the speed and stability with my new bearings. It makes such a difference. I skated around for about and hour before they kicked us off the rink to do backward skate. That was interesting. I went out because I need to practice and stayed close to the wall. I made it around scissoring backward two times! TWO. That's a first for me. The DJ stopped us and said we were going to to backward skate in the reverse direction. I was talking to myself, "Wait, WHAT? I have to do this again but the wrong direction?!" I shrugged and said, "Whatever, I'm supposed to practice." Turned around and starting skating again. I got about half way around when I looked up and an older gentleman was skating in a diagonal line toward me. I screamed "I'm behind you!", but this guy was so into the skate and his dancing that before I knew it, his right tricep was greeting my left jawline and I was falling forward onto the ground. A few people were rushing over to check on me and I kept saying I was fine, I just was to finish skating. This man, Ray, apologized and then grabbed both of my hands as I started to skate backward again talking to me. He kept saying he was sorry and I said it was fine. Backward skate ended and we turned around and talked for another few minutes. I learned he was visiting a friend in the area and that he was from upstate New York. He wanted a picture with me before the night was over.

I continued to skate, catching up with some of the people I have met over the past few months. One of them is Spoon, he and his son are amazing freestyle skaters. I like skating with Spoon because I get to skate with someone who looks like the are literally floating along on the rink. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I was, that I could take a punch. He kept seeing me balance on one foot and said that I am getting better. Every time I get a compliment I feel embarrassed. I'm not sure if it's because I don't feel like I am doing well or if it's because people are noticing me. I took a break after that and of course, one of my favorite songs comes on and they used it for the Shuffle Skate. I was sitting with Alyssa's mom and said that it sucked this song was for shuffling because I'm not good at it. She told me to get out there and practice, keep up with the ladies. I told her I couldn't do what they do and she said who cares, just stay with them and watch and do what you can. I listened to her and got out there trying to keep up with them. I couldn't, so I just started doing what I knew how to do by myself. It felt good to be out there practicing, even if I'm not as good as everyone else. I can so some things and that's enough for now.

When I get to the skating rink, the outside world disappears, I usually forget about my life outside of that building. I get lost. All of my anxiety and troubles seem to just fade away. I have fun and just melt away into the music and skate. I am so happy that I decided to go back to that rink by myself. I don't think I have been this happy in a very long time. Earlier, while Alyssa was live videoing, a friend named Andrew commented on the video. She asked me after, "Who's Andrew?" with a devilish smile and laugh. I said he was someone I've known for a long time an he used to work for me. She then said, "mmmh, hmmm." I told her it's not like that, he's very young and just a friend, I then said, "I don't want a boyfriend, I'm dating myself." She responded with, "Awww, you're lonely!" and gave me a hug. I said by no means am I lonely! I have friends and I have myself. I am very happy and I love everyday of my life and have fun every single day. This is the truth. It may be difficult for an 11 year old to understand this. I am at peace with myself and my circumstances.

I am trying to live my best life everyday, even if it's without the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"Don't dream it, be it."

The Circle of Life...

Yesterday afternoon evening I took my weekly trek to Jackson Skating Center. So many interesting things happened yesterday evening. I had my lesson with my coach, Diana, around 4:30 and was able to more with my new wheels. I’ve been practicing every chance I get. I always take a break to eat dinner at about 5:30. There is a learn to skate class that starts at that time.

When I put my skates back on, I went out to practice balancing on my right foot going around circles painted on the floor, it’s more difficult for me because it’s the “wrong way”. I’m having a hard time skating the opposite way of what is normally done on the rink during open skate. I did this for about 20 minutes, while the group in class was practicing their skills. She still hasn't learned how to march on the rink. I was watching the coach hold her hand, trying to keep her marching, but she just kept crying. There was a young child, 4 years old, who kept crying and saying to her mother she didn’t want to skate. Diana had everyone line up and this girl was still crying. She went off to be by her mother who kept encouraging her to keep trying. Just before the class was ending she was back on the rink crying again, she kept making eye contact with me. Diana was trying to calm this little girl down and one of the helpers too.  I skated over to her and told her I would skate with her. For some reason, this child agreed.  We marched from one side of the rink to the other, me talking to her and saying, "March, 1 2 3 4 5 and roll." She started to smile and was beginning to repeat what I was saying. The lesson ended, open skate started and I brought her around the rink one time, marching the whole way. I took her over to her mother who was thankful and talked to her. I asked the girl if she wanted to skate with me again next week during her lesson and her face lit up with a huge smile and she said, "YES!" I told her I would be there and we could practice together. Both the girl and her mother thanked me.

My coach asked what I did to get her to start skating. I honestly don't know. It was just a feeling I had, the eye contact, something inside of me said I should help her. When I was getting ready to go back out on the rink, the coach and I were watching a young couple skating. The teenage girl looked like Bambi, her legs wide, leaning forward, she was going to fall. Diana wanted to help her. She waved them over to the wall and start explaining how to start skating. My coach looked at me and said, "Show her what I'm talking about." I looked at her and thought, "ME? I suck." I didn't say this out loud, I just listened to her and got on the rink and started to show this young lady how to march and roll. It just so happened the girl was in marching band! So she understood what she had to do. I stayed with her around the rink a couple of times until she got the hang of it and then told her to keep practicing. Every time I saw her the rest of the night, she was doing better and I encouraged and complimented her. She would get a big smile on her face and say, "THANK YOU!"

Later in the evening, I took a break to grab a drink. I left my skate bag with some people I made friends with over the past month. There was a new family sitting with them and the daughter was crying. Everyone was trying to encourage her to get back out on the rink. This girl actually fell a few months before and broke her wrist skating. She was terrified to be out by herself. Again, I offered to help. It took a few minutes, but I got her to go out with me. I grabbed her hand as we stepped onto the rink and we started to march around, she was gripping my hand so tight I think I was losing circulation in my hand! I kept looking at her face and she still had tears in her eyes and such a terrified look. She was biting her lip, her face was tight and scrunched up. I kept telling her I was there with her and wouldn't let her fall. I said she look so unhappy, I said you should be smiling you made it around the rink so many times without falling! Then I asked her if she was breathing, because if she wasn't she would pass out and that would definitely make her fall. That finally made her laugh. She relaxed a little bit, just a little and was doing really well. A country song came on and I told her there was no way I could skate to the song, so we went off to take a break. She was smiling and thanked me for going out with her. I skated with her again later and she eventually went out by herself.

I am not that great, but I love roller skating so much that I want other people to enjoy it too. I invite everyone I know to join me. Very few people actually do, but that's ok. It's exciting to know that I can meet random strangers in the rink make new friends through helping them. From the time I was 4 years old to about 16 years old, my dream was to be a teacher. When I got into high school, I realized I didn't want to be a "school" educator and my path in life changed. 12 years ago, I fell in love with exercise and took the leap to be a personal trainer, which led to owning a supplement store and now adding roller skating to my exercise routine. Somehow, God has directed me back to what my childhood aspiration was, educating. I may not be teaching English, math or science like I thought as a child, but I am passing on my knowledge of fitness and supplementation. As I said in my last blog post, it's strange to see how things in life come full circle.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Bones...

Brian's Tattoos

It's very interesting to see how things in life come full circle. When Brian and I first started dating, we talked about the tattoos he had. On his left arm was one of his first tattoos, it said "Bones" with a skull and crossbones. He said he got it because it was his nickname from skateboarding as a teenager, that was the extent of the explanation. I never asked much more about it the nickname and he never brought it up after that.

Fast forward to this past week...
I am still learning about all of the roller skating stuff. I am using quad skates and in my search on Amazon to purchase the wheels, some of them were listed for skateboarding. I purchased an 8 pack of Radar Zen 85A wheels. They are the ones I borrowed from John to try out and absolutely love right now. I didn't think about the bearings because there were bearings in my old wheels. Friday night, my new wheels were put on with my stock bearings and I noticed the ride on the wheels wasn't as smooth as the borrowed ones. I asked John what bearings he had in his. He said Redz. I responded asking what to search for so I could purchase the new bearings and he said, "Bones Redz."

I was looking for the bearings on Sunday. It started to hit me that I was searching for BONES Redz. Again, skateboarding was listed for the bearings. The logo for the Bones company was the tattoo Brian had on his arm. I actually started to cry a little, I was purchasing bearings that Brian was using on his skateboard when he was a kid. It's crazy to think that if he were here with me now Brian would have been able to help me so much with roller skating. His knowledge of skateboards would have converted to my roller skates. I don't know if I would have been able to get him on skates, maybe lol. He would have 100% backed me in my new passion and I know he is supporting me through his spirit regardless. 

As the 1st anniversary of Brian's death is fast approaching, it feels like he is speaking to me more and more. I am trying to do my best to move forward in my life while preserving the memory of the life I had with Brian. There is a saying, "If you believe, signs turn up everywhere."and  I get signs from Brian in the weirdest ways. Buying bearings for my roller skates seems to be a sign from him, telling me that I am doing something right and that he approves. I only hope that my perception of things that happen are real and not my imagination.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Adventures in Wonderland...

I deal with the same questions on a regular basis:
"What can I take to get me big?"
"What can I take to help me lose some weight?"
"What kind of exercises can I do to get rid of my stomach?"
"Is there something I can do to make THIS (points to a part of the body) go away?"

Unfortunately, society has trained us to look for the easy way out of things, eating, losing weight, gaining muscle, exercising...it doesn't matter what aspect of our life, there are solutions to make everything EASIER. The sad thing is that these things are not making our lives easier...they really make our lives HARDER. All of the conveniences that we have become accustom to have actually made us lazy as a society. Having a car to get everywhere has made us less active, to the point people will drive around a parking lot for 15-20 minutes to park close to the front door of a store instead of just parking further away and walking. Food is already made so all we have to do is heat it up, when it only takes about 30 minutes to cook fresh homemade meals from scratch. 

There are Alice in Wonderland products advertised everywhere that will make you put on muscle or lose body fat. Honestly, this isn't Through The Looking Glass and there is no drink, pill, wafer or anything for that matter that will make you gain muscle or lose body fat. Even the things out there that do work aren't a magical solution, you need to eat right and exercise to reap the benefits. In the Wonderland story, Alice is pretty reckless trying things that she has no clue as to what they will really do to her. Many people do this every day with supplements and diets. The biggest mistake I see people make is not tracking their food or training properly or at all. For most, they have convinced themselves they know what a portion size is and think that it is correct. Without weighing and measuring the food you will never have accuracy. Without tracking calories burned or weights lifted every week, no accuracy. Logging your meals and training is an important part of your health and fitness. It's a great way to really see what is happening overall. 

I tell people every day, if you are trying to put muscle on or lose weight IT'S SCIENCE. Being in a caloric surplus or deficit of 500-1000 calories from your daily intake for maintenance weight is the healthy way to reach your goals and maintain them. It's not just about how many calories you are eating or how much you are burning...it's also about the BALANCE and QUALITY of both the calories AND the training. Eating whole foods that are minimally processed, balanced nutrition at each meal and supplementing where needed is truly the only way. It's very simple and the solution is always right in front of people. Through social media, advertising and bro science the general public has been convinced that if you just cut corners with this or that you will arrive at your destination in no time. You could try to join the rest of the world with instant gratification, but think about it. Will you truly be winning in the end? 
 
Remember the story about the tortoise and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race, keep plugging away because in the end you will be victorious. 

"Don't dream it, be it."

To Get Lost Is To Learn The Way...

I have have completely fallen in love...with ROLLER SKATING. I skate 3 days a week for about 11 hours. I hired a coach, Diana, who is an amazingly patient person. I hired her to help me because I want to learn the proper way to do things and I seriously want to shuffle skate! She meets with me once a week to teach me the basics and go over my form. We get along so well and has become a friend in the short time I have known her. Diana believes in me and has helped me with my confidence on the rink.

Last night I attended Adult Skate night at Jackson Skating Rink, it's an event that happens once a month. I thought the event started at 6 PM...it actually started at 6:30 PM so I was 20 minutes early. When I got inside, Diana was there with one of her world class skaters finishing up a lesson. Diana introduced me to the young lady, Lacey, who was doing some amazing things on skates. Out on the rink, she was rolling around like a figure skater you would see on ice. I am blown away at what people can do on wheels. Lacey and I spoke for a little bit and I hope to get to see her again and watch her practice her routine.

Diana and I had a conversation about my skates before I laced up, I think I need new wheels because they are designed more for derby than shuffling. The wheels I have right now are wider and they are also a little harder so there isn't much grip on them. I bought speed skates, so they are designed for speed. We tried to switch my wheels out with a pair she had in her office, but the axles weren't the same size sooooo....it didn't work. I told her it wasn't big deal and I would get it figured out. I said goodbye and laced my skates up so I could get out on the rink.

About an hour after I started skating, John waved me over to the side. John has been very welcoming since I started skating. He works at the rink and is usually out on the floor as a ref. I skated off the rink and went to speak with him. John started to tell me I am never going to learn how to shuffle if I don't start bouncing. I argued with him that I couldn't, I felt like I was going to fall. He said I wasn't going to, to just start doing it. John also said I looked stiff again and that I was "just skating, you need to go out there and get lost in the music. Forget about life and everything that is bothering you and just SKATE." UGH! He's trying to help, lol, but I am so scared to fall and break something.

I saw another person I've become friends with, Spoon. Spoon is an insanely good skater, I've been watching him every time he comes to open skate. He and I started talking a few weeks ago and now I skate around with him. Before I went back out on the rink, I went over to him and asked if he would try to help me learn how to bounce. He agreed and we skated out onto the rink. I was bouncing as I was rolling, but having a hard time bouncing while I was actually skating. After a few minutes, Spoon went off on his own and I kept rolling around trying to bounce. I probably looked so stupid, but I don't care I am trying to learn. A few minutes later, John was skating next to me. He started to tell me that he wished he could have videoed me while one of my favorite songs was on, he said I was singing and bouncing and didn't even realize it. I laughed at him. He kept telling me that when I'm not paying attention, I am a completely different skater. 

I tried to get lost in the music after that. It's hard to do when songs I don't like or don't know are playing. But I focused and pretty soon, music that I absolutely LOVE started to be played. I was bouncing and singing! By the end of the night I was shaking my hips and even trying to get some of the employees who were out on the rink with me to twerk! I was actually TWERKING ON ROLLER SKATES, not sure how graceful it was...but I was trying HAHA. I stayed much later than I thought, they didn't kick us off the rink until after 9:30. It's hard to stop skating when I'm having so much fun. 

I am learning very quickly that to get lost is to learn the way.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A Look In The Mirror...

This afternoon I decided to take myself over to Kohl's to buy some shorts for the summer. I always have anxiety going shopping, I HATE IT. Clothes shopping is my least favorite thing to do. The whole reason I started a fitness journey was because of a trip to Fashion Bug Labor Day weekend in 2004. I was trying on all different styles of shirts and absolutely nothing fit me the way it should. I walked out of the store that day with tears running down my face and made a decision to change my life.

I vividly remember the last time I went shopping for shorts. It was in August of 2015. Friends were coming up from Florida to visit and Brian & I planned on taking them to Atlantic City. I didn't want to walk around on the boardwalk in pants in the middle of August, so we took a trip over to Kohl's. Brian kept picking shorts out for me to try on and asked my size. I honestly didn't even know what to tell him. I grabbed a few pairs of shorts to try on and once again was having a panic attack. 

I walked out of the dressing room disappointed in myself. Brian saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong. I answered him, "Nothing fits, I need a bigger size." As we went back over to the racks to find the correct size, we were both squatting down sifting through the shorts. I began to cry uncontrollably. I had gone up 2 pants sizes in a year and everything I had worked for was destroyed in my mind. Brian looked at me and softly said, "Pumpkin, it's ok. You aren't the same size you were when we first started dating. You've come a long way from where you started. You know what you need to do to drop a little weight and I will help you start doing that if it's bothering you that much." HOW I MISS HIM!

Today, I walked into the store with confidence, knowing that no matter what size I am right now I am working on changing it. I know that as I opened the door to step inside, Brian was walking right beside me. I was able to purchase shorts without a mental breakdown today. "Self-care is how you take your power back." I am taking control of my life and taking care of myself. I am alive, I am surviving and I am thriving.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Forgiveness...

Have you ever had a cut and picked at the scab again and again? That's what it's feels like to harbor feelings of anger, resentment and revenge. Every time you pick at that scab it hurts, it bleeds and tries to heal until you rip it off again. The more you pick at it, the longer it takes to go away and the more it hurts and sometimes the bigger it gets. When it finally does heal, there is usually a scar. That's what it's feels like to never forgive someone.

I used to have a hard time forgiving people for wrongs that may have been done. I held grudges, wanted revenge, even made plans to get revenge on people. I used so much of my energy dwelling on past events, replaying the tape over and over causing more anger and resentment. Do you know what that can do to your soul? It makes you bitter, it eats you alive from the inside out. I believe in God and Karma. I think what you put out in the universe does come back to you, good or bad. Through the Al-Anon program, church and Brian (God rest his soul), I have been able to "Let go and let God." There have been some many occasions over the years where someone has bad mouthed the store, Brian or me or have done something to injure my very soul. I would get upset, saying it wasn't right and we should do something about it. Brian's response was always, "Let it go." That statement would make me so mad, sometimes to the point we would argue about it. He'd sit me down and have a rational conversation with me about how trying to get back at someone wasn't going to help us. By the time the talk ended, Brian would have knocked some sense into me. I'd let the issue go and in time, God/Karma would take care of the person. Why was Brian ALWAYS RIGHT?

The older I get, the more I realize how short life is. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. Family, friends and my life partner have all been taken from me. There are sayings out there like "YOLO" & "Life is short to be anything but happy". I never fully comprehended this until last year. I made a decision in August of 2017 to start living life, before that I had just been existing. Before I could do that I had to forgive God for taking so much from me. I also needed to ask for forgiveness for being selfish and not thanking Him for blessing me with so much.

I believe in the Bible and Jesus Christ, I believe that He was sent to make the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. With this belief, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." I understand that Jesus Christ was sent to this world to cleanse us for the sins we have committed, providing the ultimate form of forgiveness. I have forgiven many people in my life by praying, I have repented for bearing feelings of resentment and asked God to help these people in their lives. Two wrongs don't make a right and being angry toward another person or people only hurts you in the long run. It allows these people to continue to have control over your life even if they aren't a part of it anymore. I have learned it is better to let go and let God take care of it than to brood over sins committed against you. I have compassion and empathy for these people knowing that they too have been broken in their lives and it may be why they hurt me. The more I practice this, the happier I am and it is easier to live my life free from the chains I place upon myself.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I Complete Me.

A few days ago, I decided to join a challenge put forth by GCode Nutrition. It's titled #40Daysx40Nights. The idea behind the challenge is to choose to improve some aspect of your life for 40 days and 40 nights. There are so many different ways to do this. I started to think about what I could choose to improve on. I have already been working on my physical health by exercising and changing my diet for the past two months. I didn't want to include this as part of the challenge. I started to think about what I could choose to work on more. What could I choose to work on to make my life better?

I had been reading over blog posts from 4 and 5 years ago. One post seemed to be screaming at me. It was about being afraid to take care of myself. I learned 12 years ago that I was codependent, always taking care of and supporting my ex-husband. That was even how my relationship with Brian began, he's the one who pointed out the character defect. It took a few years, but I learned to detach with love and not continually put all of my energy into taking care of others before I took care of myself. Then things slowly changed...I began backslide into old habits. The stress of life took over and I was once again putting others needs and wants ahead of my own. This led to falling off track in many aspects of my life which honestly made me miserable and depressed.

After losing Brian last year, I got into a relationship. Some thought it was too early but I didn't care. I felt it was a good decision and I knew even if it wasn't I had to make my own mistakes. The relationship didn't last long, only two months, but I learned a lot about myself during that time. I was losing myself pretty quickly, staying up late to talk or text, missing the gym because of lack of sleep, eating off plan to spend time with this person and focusing on making them happy. I was getting angry and snapping at things again. After the breakup, I realized I had let this person consume my life and allowed them to stop me from doing things I wanted to do. I was unable to take care of myself physically and emotionally because I was taking care of them.

When I was 17 years old, I started dating my ex-husband and was married to him 9 months later. 9 years later I left my husband and started dating Brian. I spent 21 years of my life in a relationship. I've never really experienced anything by myself. I don't regret this, as a matter of fact, I thank God for it. Getting married at an early age probably saved me from doing a lot of stupid things, I can be reckless sometimes. The more I thought about how much of my life was spent attached to another person, the more I thought about how I need to be alone. I need to start taking care of myself and experience life with just me.

For the next 40 days and 40 nights I have chosen to do something each and every day to give myself the mental TLC that is needed. Physically, I am getting my workouts in, my diet is in check, I allow myself one cheat meal a week, I have been roller skating 3 days a week and all of these things make me happy and keep me sane. For my mental health, I have decided to try to get a massage at least once a month and added in meditation to help ease the stress of every day life. I have been reading a lot too. I'm sure as the challenge progresses, I will find other activities to help with my mental health.

As far as a relationship goes, ehhh. I am not looking. I am choosing to date myself for awhile. I've got enough going on in my life and I am genuinely happy. I actually like being alone, I feel free. I don't have to tell anyone where I am, where I'm going, what I am doing, when I'm coming home, no texts or calls asking why I am late...essentially no one is up my ass. This allows me to focus on myself and not worry if I am going to piss someone off for it. I don't have to sacrifice any aspect of my life to appease another person. The only person I have to worry about for the first time in 22 years is ME.

I can look in the mirror today and say to MYSELF that famous line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "I love you. You complete me."

"Don't dream it, be it."