Serenity, Katy Perry and...ROLLER SKATING (Of Course!)

As I sit here in the silence of my home, with only the sound of vehicles racing by, there is a sense of peace that resonates inside of me. I feel like I am finally finding serenity. I have started to settle into the life that has been so tragically changed. The past few months have been extremely difficult dealing with the "anniversary" of Brian's death and all of the emotions that have presented themselves to me. I often find myself having flashbacks to the days leading up to June 30, 2017. Some of those memories make me sad to the point where I am uncontrollably sobbing and often crying myself to sleep. Others bring a wide smile to my face and make me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts. Regardless of what feeling decides to rear its head at any given moment, I continue to allow myself to ride the wave until it crashes at the shore.

When I first started dating Brian, he would always say to me that he never wanted to take away from the things I wanted to do with my life. He was never controlling, didn't stop me from trying new things and always supported any activity I wanted to try. He was well aware of how hectic my life was before we got together, I never had time to do anything for myself I was always working and was not able to take time to just be me. Within the past week, I have realized something important. I have never been "on my own". At the age of 18, I married and lived with my ex-husband and family until I was 27. From the age of 27 through 38, I lived with Brian and for the first few years we stayed with his family. Now, at 39 years old, I am living by myself for the first time. It has been a very scary yet exciting year.

What I have become aware of is: I need to be alone. I am not talking about being isolated from the world, I am talking about having an intimate relationship with myself. I've lived 21 years of my life in a relationship with another person and it started at a very early age. Many people cannot fathom this idea. The thought of not having another human being by their side is frightening to them. I am actually embracing this, learning how to comfort myself in the darkest of moments...laugh by myself...walk into a place I have never been before with the confidence that I don't need to have someone on my arm. Katy Perry has a song called "Pearl" and this song has made me cry on many occasions, today I listen to it and smile. The end of the song gives me such a sense of strength:

"But I woke up and grew strong
And I can still go on
And no one can take my pearl 

You don't have to be shell, no
You're the one that rules your world, oh
You are strong and you'll learn
That you can still go on 

And you'll always be a pearl 

She is unstoppable"

I have given up many of my dreams to satisfy the wants of others, sometimes because I was forced to and other times because I felt the need to. Today, I don't have an attachment to anyone and I am able to do what I want...when I want...how I want. I have found a new passion in roller skating, as many people know. I can see Brian standing in front of me telling me that I can do anything and if skating makes me happy then I should continue with it and practice. I even believe he would have told me I should try to play roller derby, even though I am scared to death to get hurt. It would have been him that convinced me to do something I don't believe I am capable of. Brian never stopped me from doing anything. 

Roller skating has been a source of great happiness to me for many reasons. I have been teaching Spin class for 10 years and lifting for over 12 years and although these activities bring joy and happiness to my life they aren't as challenging anymore. Roller skating is a new challenge, something to get better at. I get so excited when I learn a new move or trick. The whole reason I starting taking skating lessons was to learn the crossover. Every one I talk to at the rink and sees me skate thinks I am capable of doing it, but I haven't allowed my brain to trust my feet yet. The past two times I have been skating, I have been attempting a crossover. I haven't tripped myself yet, which I did a few months ago, so maybe I'll be doing this move soon. I have accepted that I am a newbie and I need to just continue to practice and master whatever move I want to learn. 

Talking to the managers at the rink a few weeks ago, I realized something. They pointed out they have never seen me without a smile on my face. They were right. There have been some times that I have arrived in a bad mood, something went wrong during the day and was eating me up inside. But the second I walk in, I am smiling, I am happy and all of my worries disappear. It may say sound silly, but inside that building is my escape from the world...it's like a mini vacation. I truly feel like I did when Brian held me, nothing else in the world matters when I am there. Every time someone asks me about skating I light up and get so excited to talk about it. I said in a previous post that I fell in love with roller skating, and it's 100% true. I am in a "love skate relationship". 
I am finding serenity. I am a pearl, I am unstoppable.





"Don't dream it...be it."