I had been reading over blog posts from 4 and 5 years ago. One post seemed to be screaming at me. It was about being afraid to take care of myself. I learned 12 years ago that I was codependent, always taking care of and supporting my ex-husband. That was even how my relationship with Brian began, he's the one who pointed out the character defect. It took a few years, but I learned to detach with love and not continually put all of my energy into taking care of others before I took care of myself. Then things slowly changed...I began backslide into old habits. The stress of life took over and I was once again putting others needs and wants ahead of my own. This led to falling off track in many aspects of my life which honestly made me miserable and depressed.
After losing Brian last year, I got into a relationship. Some thought it was too early but I didn't care. I felt it was a good decision and I knew even if it wasn't I had to make my own mistakes. The relationship didn't last long, only two months, but I learned a lot about myself during that time. I was losing myself pretty quickly, staying up late to talk or text, missing the gym because of lack of sleep, eating off plan to spend time with this person and focusing on making them happy. I was getting angry and snapping at things again. After the breakup, I realized I had let this person consume my life and allowed them to stop me from doing things I wanted to do. I was unable to take care of myself physically and emotionally because I was taking care of them.
When I was 17 years old, I started dating my ex-husband and was married to him 9 months later. 9 years later I left my husband and started dating Brian. I spent 21 years of my life in a relationship. I've never really experienced anything by myself. I don't regret this, as a matter of fact, I thank God for it. Getting married at an early age probably saved me from doing a lot of stupid things, I can be reckless sometimes. The more I thought about how much of my life was spent attached to another person, the more I thought about how I need to be alone. I need to start taking care of myself and experience life with just me.
For the next 40 days and 40 nights I have chosen to do something each and every day to give myself the mental TLC that is needed. Physically, I am getting my workouts in, my diet is in check, I allow myself one cheat meal a week, I have been roller skating 3 days a week and all of these things make me happy and keep me sane. For my mental health, I have decided to try to get a massage at least once a month and added in meditation to help ease the stress of every day life. I have been reading a lot too. I'm sure as the challenge progresses, I will find other activities to help with my mental health.
As far as a relationship goes, ehhh. I am not looking. I am choosing to date myself for awhile. I've got enough going on in my life and I am genuinely happy. I actually like being alone, I feel free. I don't have to tell anyone where I am, where I'm going, what I am doing, when I'm coming home, no texts or calls asking why I am late...essentially no one is up my ass. This allows me to focus on myself and not worry if I am going to piss someone off for it. I don't have to sacrifice any aspect of my life to appease another person. The only person I have to worry about for the first time in 22 years is ME.I can look in the mirror today and say to MYSELF that famous line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "I love you. You complete me."
"Don't dream it, be it."
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