Some days are harder than others. The past few weeks have been hard, yet somehow I manage to wake up and go through each day as difficult as it is. Daily reminders are everywhere of who is missing. My house, the store, grocery shopping, the missing texts, watching television shows and even the gym are consistent flashbacks of times that were and will never be again.
This month last year started a downward spiral that led to me losing the one person I never imagined I’d have to live without. Memories are flooding my mind like a tsunami breaking shore. I don’t think I have gone one day since June 30, 2017 without crying. I hide this from everyone because I don’t want to make anyone else upset. This evening isn’t any different. As I lay here in my bedroom, thinking about how much I need to go sleep, my mind is racing through memories of the past. I need to breathe, relax and think about all of the positive in my life. I am here, the store is here, I have a great support system and I am doing things that I enjoy everyday.
I have been living my life using a code that was taught to me 12 years ago, one day at a time...sometimes one second at a time. “This too shall pass.” There is truth to that. Even though I feel broken sometimes, I know that I need to pick up the pieces and put them back together. One of the last text messages Brian sent before he passed was to the owner of GCode Nutriton. Greg has become a good friend and a person I respect. Brian was messaging him about his company and how great he was doing. Brian also had just broken his foot the week before. His text read, “KEEP MOVIN FORWARD. Even if I’m draggin one leg behind.”
Tonight, in the darkness of my bedroom, feeling tired from work and working out and roller skating, I am hearing Brian’s voice wishpering in my ear, “KEEP MOVIN FORWARD pumpkin, even if I’m draggin one leg behind.” Brian, you are my strength and what motivates me from the great beyond. You are forever in my heart, I will continue to make you proud.
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