The storm shall pass

This week has been rough.  I missed the gym twice and Brian has not been feeling well.  To top things off, I think my sinus's are rebelling, so I am not feeling too good.  Yet, on Sunday morning, I was up early getting my butt ready to go to the gym.  What the hell am I thinking?  My body is telling me no, but my brain is telling me yes.  Sometimes, you just need to listen to your body.  I found myself crawling back in bed, pulling the covers over my head and just sleeping a little bit longer.  All day I did nothing, I was on my couch nodding in and out of consciousness, I barely even ate food because my stomach was in a knot.
This morning wasn't much different.  I woke up at 5:50 AM to the sound of my alarm, staring at the clock wishing it wasn't Monday.  I dragged myself out of bed, went in the kitchen and made my shake.  After sitting in front of my laptop for about a half hour, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and back to bed I went.  I reset my alarm and closed my eyes, I was out.  When my alarm went off the second time, I didn't want to move again.  I was mentally berating myself for not staying awake and going to the gym.  I was telling myself that I missed the gym two days in a row, three of the past four days, I was slipping and going to screw up everything I had worked so hard for over the past few weeks.  The mental beating I can give myself is absolutely amazing.
Something happened though, I stopped myself.  I starting thinking about what I was doing to myself.  I was letting the negative self talk come back after a few weeks of getting it out of my head.  I couldn't let this happen.  I got up and realized that I needed a break.  My body was tired.  Brian was sick and I was at the store by myself for most of the week and the stress levels were up.  I am not giving up, I am not throwing the towel in, I am just taking a break.  I deserve a break, I have been working hard.  Instead of fighting, I just need to roll with the wave, eventually it will break.
I just need to remember, progress not perfection.  I am not perfect and I will never be, but I will work on being better than I was yesterday, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A new chapter

I guess it's long overdue.  The past month or so I have been thinking about how much I miss personal training.  It is honestly my passion, what I enjoy to do most.  There is a certain satisfaction and sense of accomplishment that comes with training.  The friendship and bonds that are made with clients are truly different.  You connect with people on a whole different level.  Brian and I discussed how I could get back into the gym and start training again, not only to benefit my clients, but to benefit myself as well.
If you ask my parents what I wanted to be when I grew, almost my ENTIRE childhood I would have told you a teacher.  That changed when I got into high school.  I made some realizations about myself, I really didn't think I would have the patience to deal with children all day.  Looking around the classrooms my sophomore, junior and senior year, I didn't think I could hack it.  My focus changed during those years and I fell in love with writing and photography.  I did a complete 180 and wanted to be an "artist".  Well, that changed too and I didn't go that direction either.  I still took pictures and scribbled my thoughts in notebooks on and off over the years, but I fell into the routine of my old life and pointed myself in another crazy direction.
When I decided to sign up at a gym and hired my trainer, never did I think that I would fall in love with fitness.  After the first few months of hating the gym, dreading going there and being sore, I finally started to see the transformation I was making and my mindset changed completely.  I started to enjoy working out, enjoy the soreness, enjoy being out of breath, because I, along the the trainer, was becoming a butterfly!  I was morphing into something new, something different.  I loved my new body and I loved that my trainer, my TEACHER, was helping me make it all happen.  I started to toy with the idea that I could be a trainer!  I was asking more questions about why we did certain exercises, why I needed to keep my heart rate down, why I could  and couldn't do certain things and started to do some research on my own about exercise.  It was fascinating!

2008- Stephanie & I
after a training session

So fast forward a year after I started my own fitness journey and I was a trainer!  I was doing exactly what my trainer did for me.  I was teaching people to transform their bodies.  When you think about it, exercising when done properly is a form of art.  You are shaping and molding people's physique's and their health.  It is amazing to watch, to see the transformations.  I was, in a way, combining the two things I wanted to be as a child...a teacher and an artist.  It may not be what I envisioned growing up, but it definitely is what I wanted to do.  I was so sad to have to give it up after the store opened.
After some discussion and planning, Brian and I decided it is time for me to go back.  I am at a new point in my life and I am ready to get back into this part of the industry.  I am going to have a limited schedule, but I will be able to do what I love to do most, TRAIN OTHERS!  I am so excited and a little nervous to get back into this.  I am ready to start next week and have already scheduled a few appointments.  I can't wait to get back out there!

"Don't dream it, be it."

Humbly Dedicated

ded•i•cat•ed adj. - wholly committed to a cause, ideal, or personal goal

It's very interesting what goes through my head when I wake up, well maybe not just when I wake up.  I thought about why I wanted to compete.  I keep pushing toward this goal and even though I more motivated than ever, I still have doubts about myself.  I still look at myself in the mirror and think that I won't be able to do this.  The thoughts that cross my mind are crazy!  Even though I have the support around me that I need, I still don't see how I am going to be able to do this. 

I looked up the word dedicated...weird.  I wanted to make sure that the words I am using were being applied the right was to my life.  I am truly dedicated to my goal, I fit the text book definition of the word.  I just couldn't figure out why I was doubting myself everyday.  If I am "dedicated" shouldn't that mean I am confident in myself?  Shouldn't that mean I am see myself attaining my goal and being on stage, contest ready?  What was the problem????  I have been scratching my head for days.  Then it hit me, something my father has said my entire life to me.  "Humble yourself."

hum·ble adj. - Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful

Although I didn't attend church often as a child, I was raised in a religious family.  My father often used quotes from the Bible.  One thing that sticks out in my mind as an adult are those words, "Humble yourself."  He would say that when I was getting to egotistical about ANYTHING.  He would also say that I was "entitled to anything".  My dad is a smart man.  Even though I didn't understand what he was saying too much, I learned to not walk around thinking I was better than anyone else and that I needed to work hard to get what I wanted.  Nothing in my life was handed to me, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Thinking about my goal this morning, it finally sank in on what my problem was.  I am confident, I am dedicated, BUT I am also humble.  Yesterday, a guy was in the store and told me he has been reading my blog.  He also said that I was an "excellent writer".  I was actually embarrassed!  And then I had to go in the back room because I was choking back tears.  I am tearing up a little thinking about that moment now....

I don't think that I am better than anyone else.  I don't think that I deserve anything.  I don't walk around with my nose in the air looking down at other people.  I am not arrogant.  I am no different than anybody else in this world.  I chose to share parts of my life and my story with you, not to make you look up to me or to make you feel like I have done something extraordinary.  I chose to share this part of me with you to help you see that I am not much different than you, that there are other people out there struggling in similar ways.

I struggle, just like you.  I work, just like you.  I fail, just like you.  I will succeed, just like you.  I will continue to work toward my goal, competing in a figure or physique show sometime next year.  I will work toward this goal, to better myself along the way.  The goal isn't really to be better than anyone else, but to be better than I was before.  I will stay humbly dedicated to my dream, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I've made a mistake or two

I am going to try to make this short.  I have always been of the mentality that it has to be either this way or that way.  I always forget about the middle.  Brian has tried over the past few years to get me to change that thinking, to realize that everything isn't black or white, there is some gray in between.  I find myself setting goals for myself and then I usually go full force into them doing a complete 180 and trying to change overnight.  This doesn't work.  The past few weeks, I have been able to keep myself in the middle somewhere, not diving right into a diet or even training.  I haven't deprived myself of any foods and I have been resting when I need it.  I haven't been beating myself up too much either.  If I mess up or go over board with my training or my diet, I just pick myself up and brush myself off and start over.  It's ok to make mistakes, it's realizing that I made the mistake and learning from it.  Sometimes it's harder to admit that you did something wrong, than moving on from it.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I win.

The past week has been busy.  Everyday my alarm has gone off at 5:50 AM.  At the beginning of the week I had no problem hitting snooze and getting out of bed at 6:00 AM.  Toward the end of the week, it was another story.  Brian was not feeling well all week, not sure why, but he was just feeling run down.  We usually alternate who opens the store, he opens 3 days and I open 3 days, to make it balanced.  This week, I volunteered to open almost everyday because he was feeling so crappy (he would do it for me in a heart beat!).
I started to not feel good on Wednesday.  I have severe allergies and take medicine everyday.  I forgot that I was out of my Zyrtec and didn't take it for a little over a week.  Needless to say, my sinus' started to kick my ass.  I had the runny nose, headache, felt tired, my asthma was acting up and even felt a little nauseous.  Crazy how bad I can get in a week, but Brian is the best and grabbed me a bottle so I didn't feel so crappy.  Both of us cannot be sick at the same time, it causes a big problem.

"Sleeping in the park"
as Brian would say.

So, I still had my alarm buzzing at 5:50 AM...but on Friday and Saturday...I didn't want to get up.  I literally fought with myself, telling myself the reasons why I should and shouldn't get out of bed.  I was tired, almost every night this week I fell asleep on the couch around 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I wanted to change the alarm so much to 8:00 AM and just go back to sleep.  Reality is, I didn't NEED to sleep for a few more hours.  I can't let the lazy part of me win.  I have a goal, a dream that I am working toward and cannot let anything stop me from achieving.
In the end, I WIN.  I WIN, I WIN, I WIN.  I got up.  I made my breakfast, I made my pre-workout drink, I got my ass in my Jeep and drove to the gym.  Even though that alarm was screaming at me earlier and I tried to just ignore it and go back to sleep, I didn't.  I was awake, in the gym and KNEW my day would be better for it.  At the end of the week, I still reached my goal of burning 3500 calories (3595 this week) and hit all of the body parts I needed to for lifting.
Today, I am not in my head beating the hell out of myself for being lazy and choosing not to get up.  I will never reach my goal if I don't do what I need to everyday.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A few of my favorite things...

I am a crazy Tim Curry fan, I have been infatuated with him since I saw the movie Clue as a kid.  When I got into high school, I discovered The Rocky Horror Picture Show and was even more obsessed at that point...hanging out with a friend and acting out the entire movie ALL THE TIME.  I know almost every line in the movie and I definitely know EVERY LYRIC to EVERY SONG in the movie.  Another obsession, Monty Python, that I can thank my father for.  As a child, I really didn't understand the humor, but as a teenager I finally got it!  Both of these things have influenced my life, I am so silly with it.  In 2005, two of my favorite things were brought together, Tim Curry AND Monty Python & The Holy Grail - SPAMALOT on Broadway.  I actually went to see the show twice and MET TIM CURRY!

July 2005 Meeting Tim Curry

Waiting in Schubert Alley for 5 hours

If you look at my Ipod...the plays on the soundtrack for Spamalot and Rocky Horror are ridiculous!  Why am I telling you all this?  Well, even though both Rocky Horror and Spamalot are really silly stupid, if you listen to the soundtracks and REALLY listen to the lyrics, you will see that there is a message in some of the songs.  Some of them are just plain stupid and just make me laugh.  But Rocky Horror's "Fanfare/Don't Dream It" is always stuck in my head...I listen to the Monty Python Spamalot soundtrack in my car almost every day!  Crazy?  I know.  But I have "Find Your Grail" on repeat most of the time, it actually motivates me. "When your life, seems to drift, when we all need lift, trim your sail, you won't fail, find your grail..."
I end all of my posts with the tattoo on my shoulder and the saying "Be it, don't dream it."  I took that from Rocky Horror "Fanfare/Don't Dream It" because it meant something to me when I was a teenager.  I was going to live my dreams, not just dream it.  For the most part, I have been able to do that; anything I could imagine myself doing, I have been able to do.  I am going to continue that over the next year.  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Notice of Eviction

Every thing takes a few days to sink in with me, sometimes weeks or even longer.  Brian has been telling for weeks to stop focusing on others and to just worry about ourselves.  I truly believed that I was benefiting from allowing people to rent some space in my head.  I felt that the people I allowed the space were HELPING me.  Well, it's obvious to others what this was doing to me, not so obvious to me though.
Over the weekend a friend stopped by and was talking to me.  This person respects me very much and always compliments me.  I was telling them about my progress with everything in life and they had to stop me.  They asked, "Why are you always comparing yourself to everyone else?"  I didn't really know what to say.  I thought about it for a second and said, "I just want to be better and it makes me work harder."  Their response was not typical, "I think it hurts your creativity and your drive.  I think that by you always comparing yourself to others it is hurting you, not making you better." WoW.  Again, I didn't know what to say.  The person said I should think about it later.  I kind of let it just slip into the back of my mind and stopped thinking about it for the moment.
A day later, it kind of hit me, I think they are right!  I think that I am really allowing too much space in my head to be rented.  Then I realized that I don't want to rent ANY space in my head.  NONE, in the long run it is just causing a headache.  So, that morning I sent a notice of eviction.  All of the tenants were being kicked out immediately.  The past few days have a little different not having the extra weight, I can actually breath better.  I have been much happier and have been able to focus more on myself, Brian and the store.  Makes a world of a difference.  Even if it takes me awhile, I will get there!  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."