I am blind.

It is amazing how we can lose sight of what really matters in life.  Everyday we are all so busy and get wrapped up in whatever is going on in the moment.  We all have to make money to pay bills, eat and keep clothes on our back and a roof over our heads.  We all struggle with something in life, some people more than others.  The past month or so has been very hard for me personally.  I have been struggling with things that I didn't expect to happen.  Nothing is "wrong", but my situation has not been ideal.
Last night, before I dragged my over-tired self to bed, I was not the nicest person to my fiance, Brian.   I have been seriously overwhelmed be the series of events that have taken place.  I was rambling to him about how he needs to change his dinner time so he can go to bed earlier, to wake up earlier, to get a workout in earlier, to get to the store earlier...you get the idea.  In my state of tired drunkenness, I failed to realize all of the thing he has already changed and all of the things he has been working on.  I also didn't consider the fact that he hasn't been feeling well and has some injuries that continually restrict him from doing things.
I woke up this morning about an hour later than usual.  I did my normal morning routine.  I started to get angry because I am not going to get my workout in today and logged onto my Garmin account to see how many calories I burned this week....2845 calories.  WOW, I only needed to burn another 655 between today and Saturday to reach my goal of 3500 for the week.  That's nothing!  My mood shifted quickly after I saw that and I started thinking about last night.
Brian is still sleeping at 8AM, why?  Because he ate dinner at 11PM...had emails and texts to go through, orders he needed to finish working on AND still isn't feeling well.  SO, he probably didn't get in bed until somewhere around 2AM.  He doesn't really sleep well either, so reality is...he actually falls asleep somewhere around 4 or 5AM.  I sometimes forget that he is not as healthy as he looks.  I lean on him so much for so many things because I never really have had that in a relationship.  He is a strong willed person, but I forget that he deals with a lot.
I just need to keep focusing on the things that MATTER and keep pushing toward the goals that we have set, together and individually.  When stress starts to wedge it way into my life and begins to take control of everything, I need to remember "This too shall pass."  There hasn't been anything that I or Brian or the two of together haven't been able to push through and come out better.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I've fallen, but I CAN get up.

I haven't posted in a little over a week.  Since Labor Day, things have been chaotic, to say the least.  I am not going to go in to detail about the problems I have had, just know that it has been a stressful and emotional few weeks.  Stress does some interesting things to your body.  The mental strain can drain so much energy from you physically, even if your brain tells you otherwise.  Needless to say, I didn't make it to the gym very much and didn't hit any of the goals I set for myself.  This week is a little better, but I am still not reaching my goal.
Last week I started to beat myself up for it, saying that I would never be able to do this, yelling at myself saying I was crazy for thinking I could.  My alarm went off every morning, my hopes were each evening to just start over tomorrow, but when tomorrow came, my body didn't agree.  I was so tired.  After about a week of not getting to the gym, I realized what I was doing to myself.  I was fueling the negativity, allowing it to shove it ugly head back into my life.  Sometimes we have to just roll with the punches, other times we have to take a stand and defend ourselves.
There is so much going on in my life, I am being pulled in many different directions.  It is hard to stay focused on my training when so many things outside of working out need to be taken care of.  The next month or so is going to be very difficult.  I am beginning a personal training schedule at the gym, still have the store to take care of, my training schedule, plus cooking, cleaning, organizing the house...good thing I don't have kids or animals!  I need to re-adjust my training schedule, so I can continue to live life on life's terms.  I also need to trust that everything is going to be okay and that no matter what is put in front of my, I need to just stand strong and keep going, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Faith

Sometimes, you need to just have faith that things are going to be okay, sometimes.  It's hard to have faith.  It's hard to have confidence.  It's hard to trust.  There are points in life when even though you have done everything you can to keep things going, you falter in your faith.  Faith doesn't always have to be about God.  It can be faith in anything, your job, kids, yourself, friends, spouse, workouts, what ever you believe in.
Martin Luther King said "Faith is taking the first step, even though you don't see the whole staircase."  That is a  very difficult thing for me to do.  I always need to know what is going to happen next, I need to make sure that there is really another step to take.  There have been many things going on in my life and I was thrown a curve ball recently.  I don't really know if I have the confidence to deal with it, I feel broken.  All of the strength and courage I have been working on building have been knocked down.  Somehow I need to focus and get myself back to where I was.  I don't want to give up, I don't want to let hope slip away.
I need to stand strong and weather the storm.  I have done it before, I should be able to do it again.  I will smash that curve ball and hit a home run, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

The storm shall pass

This week has been rough.  I missed the gym twice and Brian has not been feeling well.  To top things off, I think my sinus's are rebelling, so I am not feeling too good.  Yet, on Sunday morning, I was up early getting my butt ready to go to the gym.  What the hell am I thinking?  My body is telling me no, but my brain is telling me yes.  Sometimes, you just need to listen to your body.  I found myself crawling back in bed, pulling the covers over my head and just sleeping a little bit longer.  All day I did nothing, I was on my couch nodding in and out of consciousness, I barely even ate food because my stomach was in a knot.
This morning wasn't much different.  I woke up at 5:50 AM to the sound of my alarm, staring at the clock wishing it wasn't Monday.  I dragged myself out of bed, went in the kitchen and made my shake.  After sitting in front of my laptop for about a half hour, I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and back to bed I went.  I reset my alarm and closed my eyes, I was out.  When my alarm went off the second time, I didn't want to move again.  I was mentally berating myself for not staying awake and going to the gym.  I was telling myself that I missed the gym two days in a row, three of the past four days, I was slipping and going to screw up everything I had worked so hard for over the past few weeks.  The mental beating I can give myself is absolutely amazing.
Something happened though, I stopped myself.  I starting thinking about what I was doing to myself.  I was letting the negative self talk come back after a few weeks of getting it out of my head.  I couldn't let this happen.  I got up and realized that I needed a break.  My body was tired.  Brian was sick and I was at the store by myself for most of the week and the stress levels were up.  I am not giving up, I am not throwing the towel in, I am just taking a break.  I deserve a break, I have been working hard.  Instead of fighting, I just need to roll with the wave, eventually it will break.
I just need to remember, progress not perfection.  I am not perfect and I will never be, but I will work on being better than I was yesterday, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A new chapter

I guess it's long overdue.  The past month or so I have been thinking about how much I miss personal training.  It is honestly my passion, what I enjoy to do most.  There is a certain satisfaction and sense of accomplishment that comes with training.  The friendship and bonds that are made with clients are truly different.  You connect with people on a whole different level.  Brian and I discussed how I could get back into the gym and start training again, not only to benefit my clients, but to benefit myself as well.
If you ask my parents what I wanted to be when I grew, almost my ENTIRE childhood I would have told you a teacher.  That changed when I got into high school.  I made some realizations about myself, I really didn't think I would have the patience to deal with children all day.  Looking around the classrooms my sophomore, junior and senior year, I didn't think I could hack it.  My focus changed during those years and I fell in love with writing and photography.  I did a complete 180 and wanted to be an "artist".  Well, that changed too and I didn't go that direction either.  I still took pictures and scribbled my thoughts in notebooks on and off over the years, but I fell into the routine of my old life and pointed myself in another crazy direction.
When I decided to sign up at a gym and hired my trainer, never did I think that I would fall in love with fitness.  After the first few months of hating the gym, dreading going there and being sore, I finally started to see the transformation I was making and my mindset changed completely.  I started to enjoy working out, enjoy the soreness, enjoy being out of breath, because I, along the the trainer, was becoming a butterfly!  I was morphing into something new, something different.  I loved my new body and I loved that my trainer, my TEACHER, was helping me make it all happen.  I started to toy with the idea that I could be a trainer!  I was asking more questions about why we did certain exercises, why I needed to keep my heart rate down, why I could  and couldn't do certain things and started to do some research on my own about exercise.  It was fascinating!

2008- Stephanie & I
after a training session

So fast forward a year after I started my own fitness journey and I was a trainer!  I was doing exactly what my trainer did for me.  I was teaching people to transform their bodies.  When you think about it, exercising when done properly is a form of art.  You are shaping and molding people's physique's and their health.  It is amazing to watch, to see the transformations.  I was, in a way, combining the two things I wanted to be as a child...a teacher and an artist.  It may not be what I envisioned growing up, but it definitely is what I wanted to do.  I was so sad to have to give it up after the store opened.
After some discussion and planning, Brian and I decided it is time for me to go back.  I am at a new point in my life and I am ready to get back into this part of the industry.  I am going to have a limited schedule, but I will be able to do what I love to do most, TRAIN OTHERS!  I am so excited and a little nervous to get back into this.  I am ready to start next week and have already scheduled a few appointments.  I can't wait to get back out there!

"Don't dream it, be it."

Humbly Dedicated

ded•i•cat•ed adj. - wholly committed to a cause, ideal, or personal goal

It's very interesting what goes through my head when I wake up, well maybe not just when I wake up.  I thought about why I wanted to compete.  I keep pushing toward this goal and even though I more motivated than ever, I still have doubts about myself.  I still look at myself in the mirror and think that I won't be able to do this.  The thoughts that cross my mind are crazy!  Even though I have the support around me that I need, I still don't see how I am going to be able to do this. 

I looked up the word dedicated...weird.  I wanted to make sure that the words I am using were being applied the right was to my life.  I am truly dedicated to my goal, I fit the text book definition of the word.  I just couldn't figure out why I was doubting myself everyday.  If I am "dedicated" shouldn't that mean I am confident in myself?  Shouldn't that mean I am see myself attaining my goal and being on stage, contest ready?  What was the problem????  I have been scratching my head for days.  Then it hit me, something my father has said my entire life to me.  "Humble yourself."

hum·ble adj. - Marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful

Although I didn't attend church often as a child, I was raised in a religious family.  My father often used quotes from the Bible.  One thing that sticks out in my mind as an adult are those words, "Humble yourself."  He would say that when I was getting to egotistical about ANYTHING.  He would also say that I was "entitled to anything".  My dad is a smart man.  Even though I didn't understand what he was saying too much, I learned to not walk around thinking I was better than anyone else and that I needed to work hard to get what I wanted.  Nothing in my life was handed to me, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.

Thinking about my goal this morning, it finally sank in on what my problem was.  I am confident, I am dedicated, BUT I am also humble.  Yesterday, a guy was in the store and told me he has been reading my blog.  He also said that I was an "excellent writer".  I was actually embarrassed!  And then I had to go in the back room because I was choking back tears.  I am tearing up a little thinking about that moment now....

I don't think that I am better than anyone else.  I don't think that I deserve anything.  I don't walk around with my nose in the air looking down at other people.  I am not arrogant.  I am no different than anybody else in this world.  I chose to share parts of my life and my story with you, not to make you look up to me or to make you feel like I have done something extraordinary.  I chose to share this part of me with you to help you see that I am not much different than you, that there are other people out there struggling in similar ways.

I struggle, just like you.  I work, just like you.  I fail, just like you.  I will succeed, just like you.  I will continue to work toward my goal, competing in a figure or physique show sometime next year.  I will work toward this goal, to better myself along the way.  The goal isn't really to be better than anyone else, but to be better than I was before.  I will stay humbly dedicated to my dream, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I've made a mistake or two

I am going to try to make this short.  I have always been of the mentality that it has to be either this way or that way.  I always forget about the middle.  Brian has tried over the past few years to get me to change that thinking, to realize that everything isn't black or white, there is some gray in between.  I find myself setting goals for myself and then I usually go full force into them doing a complete 180 and trying to change overnight.  This doesn't work.  The past few weeks, I have been able to keep myself in the middle somewhere, not diving right into a diet or even training.  I haven't deprived myself of any foods and I have been resting when I need it.  I haven't been beating myself up too much either.  If I mess up or go over board with my training or my diet, I just pick myself up and brush myself off and start over.  It's ok to make mistakes, it's realizing that I made the mistake and learning from it.  Sometimes it's harder to admit that you did something wrong, than moving on from it.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I win.

The past week has been busy.  Everyday my alarm has gone off at 5:50 AM.  At the beginning of the week I had no problem hitting snooze and getting out of bed at 6:00 AM.  Toward the end of the week, it was another story.  Brian was not feeling well all week, not sure why, but he was just feeling run down.  We usually alternate who opens the store, he opens 3 days and I open 3 days, to make it balanced.  This week, I volunteered to open almost everyday because he was feeling so crappy (he would do it for me in a heart beat!).
I started to not feel good on Wednesday.  I have severe allergies and take medicine everyday.  I forgot that I was out of my Zyrtec and didn't take it for a little over a week.  Needless to say, my sinus' started to kick my ass.  I had the runny nose, headache, felt tired, my asthma was acting up and even felt a little nauseous.  Crazy how bad I can get in a week, but Brian is the best and grabbed me a bottle so I didn't feel so crappy.  Both of us cannot be sick at the same time, it causes a big problem.

"Sleeping in the park"
as Brian would say.

So, I still had my alarm buzzing at 5:50 AM...but on Friday and Saturday...I didn't want to get up.  I literally fought with myself, telling myself the reasons why I should and shouldn't get out of bed.  I was tired, almost every night this week I fell asleep on the couch around 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I wanted to change the alarm so much to 8:00 AM and just go back to sleep.  Reality is, I didn't NEED to sleep for a few more hours.  I can't let the lazy part of me win.  I have a goal, a dream that I am working toward and cannot let anything stop me from achieving.
In the end, I WIN.  I WIN, I WIN, I WIN.  I got up.  I made my breakfast, I made my pre-workout drink, I got my ass in my Jeep and drove to the gym.  Even though that alarm was screaming at me earlier and I tried to just ignore it and go back to sleep, I didn't.  I was awake, in the gym and KNEW my day would be better for it.  At the end of the week, I still reached my goal of burning 3500 calories (3595 this week) and hit all of the body parts I needed to for lifting.
Today, I am not in my head beating the hell out of myself for being lazy and choosing not to get up.  I will never reach my goal if I don't do what I need to everyday.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."