I win.

The past week has been busy.  Everyday my alarm has gone off at 5:50 AM.  At the beginning of the week I had no problem hitting snooze and getting out of bed at 6:00 AM.  Toward the end of the week, it was another story.  Brian was not feeling well all week, not sure why, but he was just feeling run down.  We usually alternate who opens the store, he opens 3 days and I open 3 days, to make it balanced.  This week, I volunteered to open almost everyday because he was feeling so crappy (he would do it for me in a heart beat!).
I started to not feel good on Wednesday.  I have severe allergies and take medicine everyday.  I forgot that I was out of my Zyrtec and didn't take it for a little over a week.  Needless to say, my sinus' started to kick my ass.  I had the runny nose, headache, felt tired, my asthma was acting up and even felt a little nauseous.  Crazy how bad I can get in a week, but Brian is the best and grabbed me a bottle so I didn't feel so crappy.  Both of us cannot be sick at the same time, it causes a big problem.

"Sleeping in the park"
as Brian would say.

So, I still had my alarm buzzing at 5:50 AM...but on Friday and Saturday...I didn't want to get up.  I literally fought with myself, telling myself the reasons why I should and shouldn't get out of bed.  I was tired, almost every night this week I fell asleep on the couch around 9:30 or 10:00 PM.  I wanted to change the alarm so much to 8:00 AM and just go back to sleep.  Reality is, I didn't NEED to sleep for a few more hours.  I can't let the lazy part of me win.  I have a goal, a dream that I am working toward and cannot let anything stop me from achieving.
In the end, I WIN.  I WIN, I WIN, I WIN.  I got up.  I made my breakfast, I made my pre-workout drink, I got my ass in my Jeep and drove to the gym.  Even though that alarm was screaming at me earlier and I tried to just ignore it and go back to sleep, I didn't.  I was awake, in the gym and KNEW my day would be better for it.  At the end of the week, I still reached my goal of burning 3500 calories (3595 this week) and hit all of the body parts I needed to for lifting.
Today, I am not in my head beating the hell out of myself for being lazy and choosing not to get up.  I will never reach my goal if I don't do what I need to everyday.  I will get there, one day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A few of my favorite things...

I am a crazy Tim Curry fan, I have been infatuated with him since I saw the movie Clue as a kid.  When I got into high school, I discovered The Rocky Horror Picture Show and was even more obsessed at that point...hanging out with a friend and acting out the entire movie ALL THE TIME.  I know almost every line in the movie and I definitely know EVERY LYRIC to EVERY SONG in the movie.  Another obsession, Monty Python, that I can thank my father for.  As a child, I really didn't understand the humor, but as a teenager I finally got it!  Both of these things have influenced my life, I am so silly with it.  In 2005, two of my favorite things were brought together, Tim Curry AND Monty Python & The Holy Grail - SPAMALOT on Broadway.  I actually went to see the show twice and MET TIM CURRY!

July 2005 Meeting Tim Curry

Waiting in Schubert Alley for 5 hours

If you look at my Ipod...the plays on the soundtrack for Spamalot and Rocky Horror are ridiculous!  Why am I telling you all this?  Well, even though both Rocky Horror and Spamalot are really silly stupid, if you listen to the soundtracks and REALLY listen to the lyrics, you will see that there is a message in some of the songs.  Some of them are just plain stupid and just make me laugh.  But Rocky Horror's "Fanfare/Don't Dream It" is always stuck in my head...I listen to the Monty Python Spamalot soundtrack in my car almost every day!  Crazy?  I know.  But I have "Find Your Grail" on repeat most of the time, it actually motivates me. "When your life, seems to drift, when we all need lift, trim your sail, you won't fail, find your grail..."
I end all of my posts with the tattoo on my shoulder and the saying "Be it, don't dream it."  I took that from Rocky Horror "Fanfare/Don't Dream It" because it meant something to me when I was a teenager.  I was going to live my dreams, not just dream it.  For the most part, I have been able to do that; anything I could imagine myself doing, I have been able to do.  I am going to continue that over the next year.  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Notice of Eviction

Every thing takes a few days to sink in with me, sometimes weeks or even longer.  Brian has been telling for weeks to stop focusing on others and to just worry about ourselves.  I truly believed that I was benefiting from allowing people to rent some space in my head.  I felt that the people I allowed the space were HELPING me.  Well, it's obvious to others what this was doing to me, not so obvious to me though.
Over the weekend a friend stopped by and was talking to me.  This person respects me very much and always compliments me.  I was telling them about my progress with everything in life and they had to stop me.  They asked, "Why are you always comparing yourself to everyone else?"  I didn't really know what to say.  I thought about it for a second and said, "I just want to be better and it makes me work harder."  Their response was not typical, "I think it hurts your creativity and your drive.  I think that by you always comparing yourself to others it is hurting you, not making you better." WoW.  Again, I didn't know what to say.  The person said I should think about it later.  I kind of let it just slip into the back of my mind and stopped thinking about it for the moment.
A day later, it kind of hit me, I think they are right!  I think that I am really allowing too much space in my head to be rented.  Then I realized that I don't want to rent ANY space in my head.  NONE, in the long run it is just causing a headache.  So, that morning I sent a notice of eviction.  All of the tenants were being kicked out immediately.  The past few days have a little different not having the extra weight, I can actually breath better.  I have been much happier and have been able to focus more on myself, Brian and the store.  Makes a world of a difference.  Even if it takes me awhile, I will get there!  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Accomplishment.

So, I have been looking forward to this morning for a few days.  I woke up ready to be weighed and measured.  I am SO HAPPY right now.  EXCITED.  I got my ass on the scale and weighed myself first, ONE WEEK - 160.4 lbs.  I almost cried.  I got out of the shower, but my bra and underwear on and had Brian measure me, ONE WEEK - a total of 4.25 inches LOST.  I finally feel like everything I am doing is WORTH something.  I feel like I have been able to push myself a little further.  I have renewed the faith in myself and my dream, getting on stage to compete.  I have anywhere from 9-12 months before  my deadline...I am going to continue to set small achievable goals for myself, so that the long term goal doesn't look so out of reach.

Push harder, go further.  I am not giving up on myself.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Self esteem, self confidence and self respect.

Somehow, some way over the past few years I have allowed negative thoughts to cloud my mind.  A few years ago, self esteem, self confidence and self respect were all pretty high.  I put myself first where and when I needed to, I walked with my head held high, I could look in the mirror and say to myself "You are strong and beautiful, inside and out."  After a series of events over the past few years, all of the negative self talk was able to edge it's way back into my brain.  Instead of waking up everyday and being happy to be alive, I was dreading the day...the workout, the job, the cooking, cleaning, shopping...it didn't matter what it was, I looked at everything as a stone tied to my leg dragging me down.  Even though my life is not "perfect", it is good.  I have an awesome supportive boyfriend, who is willing to marry my crazy ass, a business, a job teaching spin which I enjoy, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, a car to drive...So what's the problem?
It's funny how you can look back when you are in a better place and see how things got to be the way they are.  Now, looking back at the past 4 years of my life, I can see exactly when, where and how I dug my own hole.  When we first opened our store, we were still personal training, working at the store AND keeping to a workout regime.  Slowly, as the days passed, we both started to realize that the store was very busy and that we couldn't continue to personal train, so Brian started to have some healthy issues and working out started to become less of a priority because he was sick and I was working the store alone.  Enter the weight gain, because I stress eat AND I was not working out as much...double blow to my body.  More health problems...both Brian and me.  Even less working out, busy store, less meal prepping...I don't need to keep going, it was a disaster.  We both allowed ourselves to fall off track, hard.
Every time I thought was climbing out of the hole, it seems like the devil stepped in and pushed me back into it and dug the hole even deeper.  I over think everything and stress about everything, that really doesn't do much for positive thinking.  It's always what if, if we did this different, but why does it have to be this way, it can't change, it won't change, how can I make it different when it's the same everyday, what's the point, it used to be like this...not really good thinking AT ALL.  Instead of trying to be productive and using time more efficiently, I would sit there using the time to think like this.  THEN, look in the mirror and see myself 30-40 lbs heavier depending on what year it was, seeing all of the hard work and effort going to waste, blaming myself for not doing better, being better...telling myself I am never going to be where I want to be, saying I am going to gain all of the weight back no matter what so I should just give up.  What good did that do?  I was digging the hole deeper, I was pushing myself further down, there was no one else doing it, it was ME.
No one is going to come along and magically make all of your problems disappear.  There is no fairy Godmother that can wave a magic wand and turn you into a princess (or a bodybuilder LOL).  The only person who has the power to do that is you.  I have to keep that statement in the forefront of my thoughts everyday, otherwise I will be talking myself out of everything I would like to see happen in my life.  Sometimes we have to continue to dig the hole deeper and keep falling back in before we can climb out.  Sometimes that hole is making us stronger, even if we don't realize it.  I am not unhappy about any of the experiences I have had in my life, good or bad, I just need to look at each situation and learn from it.  I have everything I need to change whatever I want to change.  I can make my life miserable or make my life happy.  I have to let go of one bad thing that happens taking over all of the good things in my life.  I need to look in the mirror again and say "You are beautiful and strong, inside and out."  Only then will I have back my self esteem, self confidence and self respect.  Just for today, I will walk with my head held high and proud of who I am.  One day at a time.

"Don't dream it, be it."

You are not a dog.

Have you ever stopped to think about how you reward yourself for reaching your goals?  Well I really didn't until a few days ago.  A family member was talking to me about this blog and mentioned that maybe I needed to start changing the way I rewarded myself for reaching goals.  WOW, I never REALLY thought about changing that.  Honestly, it took a few days to really process that thought.  I need to change how I reward myself.

I have said it before and I will say it again, I am a food addict.  Food is my comfort, I use it when I am happy, sad, anxious, stressed out, it doesn't matter what the feeling is, I abuse it not matter what.  I don't really need to figure out what is causing the emotions, I KNOW that stuff.  With all of the counseling and meetings I have been to, I forgot that I need to change my REACTIONS to those feelings.  It is no different than an alcoholic or drug addict saying, "I was good this week and I deserve to (drink or get high)" OR the opposite thought process when something negative happens.  The way I react to an emotion is going to make or break my situation.

The next few weeks will be hard to conquer this thought process, but I have been enlightened and have a new way of thinking to work on.  Now the challenge is to figure out WHAT to reward myself with LOL.  Manicures?  Pedicures?  Clothes shopping?  New music?  New stuff for my car?  This is not going to be easy, I hate spending money on those things...but I guess it's better than spending money on food that will eventually destroy my ultimate goal right now.

"Don't dream it, be it."

One day at a time.

Sometimes in life we all get so busy thinking about what has to happen in the future or what has already happened in the past, we forget about the present.  You can't change the past and the future depends on what you do now.  Everyday I go to bed worrying about what needs to happen the next day and how can I fix what I have already done to mess things up.  It causes a lot of stress for me, for Brian, for everyone!
The store is very busy most of the time.  It is hard to get meals in some days, even though we meal prep twice a week.  I have finally forced myself to consistently drink close to a gallon of water a day.  Between the Nalgene bottle that Brian bought me a few months ago and an app that a friend showed me, I get the right amount of water in.  Food never really becomes a problem, unless it is like it has been the past few weeks at the store, BUSY.
I know this happens to most people, but I beat myself up for it.  Take under eating and combine that with stress and that my friend is a recipe for disaster in my life.  I can undo all of the good things I have done throughout the week in one sitting.  I have said before that I am a stress eater, so take being hungry (I always joke and sing the jingle for the board game "Hungry, Hungry Hippo) and starving yourself, put them together and I am BINGE EATING.  Luckily, the past few weeks I have really focused on trying to just eat enough to feel full.  I have not been PERFECT, I will never be, BUT I have been able to not do so much damage.  It is not easy, but I am forcing myself.
I am also beating the hell out of myself mentally because I didn't go to the gym yesterday.  I usually teach a spin class in the morning, but the gym was closed due to a power outage.  There was so much that needed to been done at the store, I just went there early and skipped my workout.  I beat myself up for that all day too.  When I got home, I was almost in tears because I missed my cardio day.  Brian gave me a hug and said "Sweetie, you can make it up another day...it's just cardio."  I know he is right, I can just go for a double sometime between Thursday and Saturday to make it up, but the mental aspect is still there.  He also tried to get me to see all of the things that we got accomplished in the store, things that really needed to be done.  I love him to death (but I hate that he is always right LoL).  He always tells me, "One day at a time."

With each new day, there is a new beginning.  Time to start that day with some positive thoughts.

"Don't dream it, be it."