Control...

"You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it."

I've made the announcement on social media and to everyone who has come into the store in the pat 3 weeks that Hard Core Nutrition will be closing forever this Friday, December 20, 2019. Although it is not what I want, it's what needed to be done. The store has been suffering for over 9 months now and I cannot continue down the path I've been taking. Wounds have been opened that began to heal, memories are flooding back into my mind on a daily basis, the pain I thought I was moving past has rushed into my soul again. I'm overwhelmed, overworked and stressed out. I have many great friends who are listening each time I have a meltdown. I am doing everything I can to end a chapter of my life once again.

Over the past few days, I've gotten lost in thought. I've really reflected on how I have reacted with my decision to close the business. I have a friend who has really been supportive and has given excellent advice. Each time I speak with them I am in a different state of mind, sometimes I'm having a great day and other days I'm crying uncontrollably. Each and every time I have been crying, I apologize to them. Their response is one of true caring, they tell me it's fine, I'm going through something extremely painful and hard, and that crying is healthy. I do end up laughing by the end of the conversation. The reality is they are right, I need to go through the emotions I am feelings and not bottle them up.

This has led me to thinking about how much I have changed over the past 20 years. When I was younger, I tried to control everything and everyone and when something did not go my way I would get angry, lash out at anyone who I had contact with and even get violent at different points. It wasn't until I started dating Brian that I started to change. I learned I couldn't control everything, especially people, mainly because of his involvement in The Program. The 12 Step Program helped me evolve in so many ways and I still apply it to my life. The Serenity Prayer is something I repeat on a regular basis. I will never forget over a 13 years ago sitting with Brian hysterically crying because I could not make a decision on whether or not I wanted a divorce. Brian introduced me the prayer that day, making me repeat it. Somehow, saying those words:"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" over and over CALMED ME DOWN. He told me it would, I just didn't believe him. To this day, I use this to calm myself down.

I have gained the wisdom of knowing what I can and cannot control. In my current situation, I really can't control that I have to close the store. I can't control how much work needs to be done. I can't control having help with what needs to be done. I can't fully control having another job at the moment. I can control getting the store packed and everything sold. I can control getting to the gym and going roller skating. I can control making sure I'm getting enough rest and taking breaks when I need to. I can control what I'm eating. I can control my house is clean. I can control myself being clean and dressing nicely everyday and make sure I don't look like a bum. I can also control waking up even when it feels like the darkest day of my life, getting myself out of bed and just living life regardless of how bad anything feels. I make a choice everyday to just do what I can, the best I can and the only way I know how.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Why Me?

My friends have described me as independent and confident. I can't argue this for the most part because a majority of the time I am. I don't often rely on others for anything. I make decisions to do things and try my best to succeed with the task I've set for myself. I take responsibility for my actions and when faced with a failure I own it. These are all events
I have a lot of control over, things I can take action in and make happen. Then there are the events that are out of my control...

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for disaster, it's as if I put myself into a situation that is doomed from the beginning. There are many times I ask myself "Why me?". Whether it's a business decision, friends I've made or anything really, I usually take a step back when I've had to ask myself why something is happening. My life hasn't been the easiest, especially the past four to five years. When Brian passed away, I almost jumped on the self-pity train. That ride would have brought me to a very different place today. Instead, I started to think logically. I realized that I made a decision. I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to started a relationship with a long time addict, an addict who told me in the first six months of our relationship that he would not survive past the age of 40. I was forewarned and knew regardless of a relapse, there were serious health issues associated with the years of drug and alcohol abuse.

When I arrived at that train station in the days after Brian's death, I had a choice of where I wanted to go. The schedule was overwhelming and I was filled with anxiety. Instead of buying a ticket for the pity train, I decided to move forward in a positive direction. The thing that kept me motivated and still does to this day is (and probably always will be) that Brian wanted nothing more for me than happiness. I learned how to do things by myself, I found the strength to continue to move forward in my life even if I didn't know what direction I was headed. My life is far from perfect, I have a lot of problems just like everyone else in the world. The difference is I face the day not asking "Why me" but saying "Why NOT!".

"Don't dream it...be it."

Determination, Dedication, Self-Discipline & EFFORT...

This post was supposed to be finished April 14, 2019, this afternoon I finally finished it. It's now been a year and a half, but here's the post:

It has been ONE FULL YEAR that I committed myself to becoming healthy and fit again.
ONE YEAR of eating the correct portions of food along with the right amount of calories each day...
ONE YEAR of waking up early to get to the gym...
On April 14, 2019 ONE YEAR that I stepped inside of Jackson Skating Center and fell in love.

It has not been an easy road, there have been days I messed up with eating, days I didn't drink enough water, days I didn't get enough sleep, days that I didn't put enough effort in at the gym, days that I was sick and missed working out. Throughout the entire year, one thing that was consistent was my self-discipline and effort. No matter what I may have done wrong, I talked myself into getting right back on track and doing the right thing. I have been determined to get back to where I was 10 years ago, dedicated the time and effort that was needed and I am proud of how far I have come.

I have said in numerous Facebook posts and videos a motivating factor for me is showing others the "impossible" can be achieved. I haven't ever thought the image I had for myself was impossible, I just became complacent with myself and accepted where I was. In the back of my mind, there was always the notion I could achieve my goal again. I just needed to find the right way at the right time. April 2018 became that time. I stopped over-sleeping, sitting on my butt watching TV and hanging out at the diner, trading those hours to be more active. I have not felt this good in many years.

I am proud of the progress I have made and still have a long road ahead to hit my goal and maintain it. I was reading my first blog post about roller skating from May 2018. So much has changed since then. I found the confidence I didn't have in myself, learned how to shuffle skate and want to continue learning new steps dancing on skates. I'm skating 3-4 days a week now and traveling to others rinks like people had suggested when I started. I had the opportunity to celebrate my one year anniversary of roller skating on April 14 with an event, The Tri-State Shuffle Skate main event at Holiday Skating & Fun Center. It was the second shuffle event I attended. The happiness and freedom I feel when I lace my skates has not faded, in fact, it has grown. Some people see an obsession, but I have found an activity that has filled a small void in my life. I skated on April 14 with pride and joy, knowing that I committed one year and many hours of practice to be able to skate with some of the best skaters out there. I'm was (and still am) excited. I also traveled to Young's Skating Center in Mays Landing, Palace Roller Skating Center in Philadelphia, Sk8 47 in Franklinville, Rollermagic in South Amboy, Rollerjam USA on Staten Island and Millennium Skating Center in Camden. I don't have the ability to get to these places all the time, but when the opportunity arises, I jump on it so I can skate with new people and learn even more.

The past six months I have been meeting new people and learning so many new things, not just about skating, but about myself. Once again, some of my new friends have said, "There is just something about you." I still have a hard time understanding what it is about me that makes people say this. I get embarrassed when I am complimented. A customer was in the store last week and told be I was beautiful in front of some other people there. The next thing they said was, "She needs to here that. Someone needs to tell her that everyday." I made some kind of sarcastic remark, that's my defense mechanism. I know I should appreciate compliments, it's hard when you don't see what others see.

In March I was devastated, having a nervous breakdown and generally just freaking out about life. I allowed my fears to take over and disappeared into a neighborhood of my mind that has lots of dark corners and alleys. It's pretty easy to wander into and very difficult to get out of sometimes. I have been under an enormous amount of stress for about 6 months. Running a business and trying to keep myself busy and happy are not an easy task. Although things are balanced and I have allowed myself enough time for sleep and recovery, my brain won't shut off at night and I have not been sleeping much. I know that the lack of sleep contributes to my mood, making me feel sad and a little depressed. Most days I force myself out of bed to continue my routine, telling myself that I will get some more sleep later that night and it rarely happens. 

Last night, Saturday, October 12, 2019 is a night I will remember forever. I was on the fence about skating at Rollerjam USA because it a late skate and I was unsure about being out. My new friend Keishonda agreed to go up with me and we set out to skate. This five hour session was one of the best I have ever had. As I laced up my skates and talked to my friends the DJ, Tito, made a comment that I was in rare form. He was right, I was feeling so good. When my wheels hit the floor that freedom I feel from life hit hard and I was off. The music was pumping and I felt confident in myself. All of the negative criticism that had been floating around in my mind was gone and I felt at ease rolling on the floor. I practiced backwards, forward, shuffling, dancing and even partnered "danced" in the middle. I can't remember a time where I felt so relaxed inside of a rink. I grabbed Keishonda a few times to practice skating and felt so confident beside her and was pushing her to step outside HER comfort zone. We had so much fun, even if we both don't really know what we are doing.

Reflection is a large part of my life. I look back at the events and experiences I've had to help move forward with decisions that need to be made for myself. Many people have been helping me and giving me advice on roller skating. I enjoy getting constructive criticism, I want to learn as much as I can from all types of skaters. There are so many styles of skating and every person out there adds their own flair to it. The coolest thing about roller skating is there isn't just one dimension to anything. I have no room for negative people in my life and I've tried to distance myself from the ones who have negatively criticized me. I have learned that the negativity isn't a dig at me, it's really the projection of the feelings the person who is being obstinate ONTO me. There is no place for that kind of person in my life. I want to live my life the way I have been...doing what I love, laughing and smiling, improving and developing new skills and not doing harm to anyone, including myself, along the way. I'm humbled and proud of the determination, dedication, self-discipline and effort I've out into my life.

"Don't dream it...be it."

Lost Girl & Adventures In Online Dating...

I recently binged watched the show Lost Girl on Netflix. I found myself relating to not only the lead character, but many of the other main people as well. Bo never knew she was not a human but a "Fae" who are creatures of legend. Bo is a succubus who feeds on the sexual energy of humans. She searches for the truth about her origins and in the process never chooses to side with the Dark or Light like the other Fae in the community. The story line is quite interesting and captivated me from the very beginning.

For quite some time now, I have been reflecting on my life and trying to figure out where I am headed. The future has been unclear since Brian passing away. Every plan I had included him and now I am uncertain of what direction I am headed. The fitness industry has been my passion for 13 years and my recent love of roller skating has dominated my life for over a year now. Lately, I've debated closing up the store, selling all of my possessions and traveling the country to skate. It sounds insane but there are people who have done crazier things than that to pursue their dreams in life. This thought process is much like Bo in the show Lost Girl, constantly picking up and moving around not settling in one place. Maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis, maybe I'm just trying to deal with the grief of losing the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with or maybe it's both. Who knows?

The one thing I am sure of right now is I need to focus on my business without too many distractions. About two months ago I created a few online dating profiles on different sites. After messaging with many different men and going on several dates, I'm not sure if I'll ever find someone for me again. Almost every man I had a conversation with said I was "very busy". Yes, I am busy. I own a business, have goals for my health and well being, love teaching spin class and absolutely love roller skating. I like being single for many reasons, the main one being that I don't have to sacrifice any of the things I love to do to spend time with someone. Some would call me selfish but I don't look at myself like that. I have spent a lot of my life giving up my goals for other people. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself and it has changed me. I am happier, less stressed and more rational.

After about a month of being on these sites, I took my profiles down and gave myself a break from "swiping left" because that's pretty much all I did. I'd sit looking at profiles, sometimes for hours, just reading and saying "Nope". About a week ago I reactivated one profile and signed up on another site friends recommended with a renewed spirit. I started messaging with a few people I matched with. A few weeks ago I had the most interesting connection yet. Within about 15 minutes of messaging with this man we exchanged phone numbers (no I don't give my real one out) and started text messaging, three hours later we were having a phone conversation. We spoke for a little over an hour because the store was slow when I opened. I probably should have ended the connection at that point because this guy was already trying to change my life. Promises were being made to take care of me financially, rules were being laid out including telling me I couldn't have male friends and at one point he was even going to make my dreams come true and invest in any type of business I wanted to own. I am not naive or gullible nor am I jaded and negative. I am realistic. It sounded like a load of bullshit to me to try to get me in bed with him. That became apparent when I gave him a call after my shift ended at the rink. Another one of his "rules" was that if he didn't sleep with the girl on the second date the relationship wasn't going to work. I told him that was a deal breaker for me and we quickly got off the phone. I received a text a few minutes later about how pissed off he was and how prudish and old fashioned I was being. Needless to say, I blocked this guy and it's the first one I've had to do that with.

I am not going to compromise my morals, values, standards or anything that makes me happy for someone I don't even know. Multiple times this man said I was very negative and got very angry with me. I do not think I am negative at all. I would never ask someone to change who they were for me. I am looking for someone I am compatible with, someone I can share my life with, someone who will accept me for who I am, what I do and not try to change me. To practically demand sex from me, especially when I haven't even met you face to face is a lack of respect in my opinion. A true gentleman wouldn't treat a woman that way, at least not in my experience. I will not allow someone to dictate my choices.

I recently had a conversation with a friend, they were telling me what they saw in me. They said watching me over the past year they saw something in me. "You are like a flame and everyone around you are moths. You attract people." I cried while they went on explaining how proud they were to know me. I didn't say a word as they spoke, tears flowed freely from my eyes and my friend had no idea why I was really crying. I've felt so lost lately. A lot of the time I don't see myself the way others do. As my friend continued to talk about all of the good qualities they saw in me, I continued to cry because in my mind I was thinking, "Why can't I find someone else who actually sees me like this and wants to connect with me on a relationship level?" Some day it might happen, I haven't lost any hope. For now, I am going to continue my skating relationship. It's safe (for the most part), it loves me the way I love it and I always have a smile on my face when we are together.

"Don't dream it, be it..."

The Land of OZ...

This journey in life has brought me to a fork in the road that I am so afraid of. The choices I have made have led me down a path I am no longer familiar with. Everything I do each day is without the other half of my life being there. There is a void in my life, I know what it is, I know where it has gone and I cannot find the right thing to fill it. I spend most of my hours working and the other hours working out or roller skating. Days that are slow in the store, I get lost in my thoughts and that's a neighborhood I need to stay out of. I've had many times that I've gotten lost in my mind to the point I don't want to do anything. I know that's unhealthy and always force myself to stick to my daily routine. Sometimes it brings me back to happiness, other times not so much. The dust is finally settling and I’m starting to feel some loneliness. I am missing a huge part of my life. I am surrounded by great friends, people who care about me, it’s just not the same. I don’t have that person I can be excited to tell about new things that are happening, the person who can comfort me when I am sad or laugh when me when I’m being silly. The other half who would share their thoughts and dreams isn’t there for me to listen to. I am thankful for my friends, it’s just not the same.

Sometimes I feel like I am having an outer body experience, like I am watching my life happen as if it were me watching a movie. Most days I wake up and want to pull the covers over my head and go right back to sleep. I'm not sure what the cause of the latest wave of emotion is. It could be the reality of losing Brian punching me in the face daily, possibly catching up with me over a year later, the holidays, his birthday, the anniversary of the store, separating his ashes, starting remove physical reminders of him from the house, or the anniversary of his death quickly approaching. Regardless of the cause, I've had many days lately I've actually cried myself to sleep. I literally talk myself out of bed in the morning. There is a saying in the 12 step program, “fake it 'til you make it”. I feel like I’ve had to do this for the past 6 months or so. The pain of losing my partner sometimes rears it’s ugly head at the most dreadful times. I admit I have been going out and having fun, but as the Joker says in The Dark Knight, “Smile because it confuses people. Smile because it’s easier than explaining what’s killing you inside.”

The past few months have been extremely stressful and full of emotion. I find myself questioning all of my actions and doubting every decision that I make. I feel like a broken record, repeating the same thing over and over and never taking the needle off to stop it from playing. Therein lies the problem. That sends me into that bad neighborhood in my head. Two weeks ago, I was hopeless and full of despair. It was so bad that when I was working at the skating rink, I didn't even roll around. I just stayed in the middle, skating out to help people who had fallen or reprimand people for breaking rules and then straight back to the middle to watch again. At the end of the night while I was cleaning up, a friend walked up to me and asked if I was okay and I responded no. She asked what was wrong and I said I just needed a new life. Her response was extremely positive, trying to encourage me by telling me to think about all I've accomplished in the past year. Although she was right, my negative mindset couldn't allow me to feel better in that moment. I left the rink crying like I had been for days.

The following day, she messaged me and asked how I was doing. I explained that I was in a bad neighborhood in my head and it felt like a jungle. After sending some love emojis back to me, she sent a bunch of monkey emojis, followed by a tiger and lion. It made me think of the movie The Wizard of Oz. The scene with Dorothy, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow walking down the Yellow Brick road through the dark spooky forest with the noises in the background of the animals and other creatures you couldn't see. They talk about lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!

Later in the day, another friend and I were texting. I told them about my analogy of how I was stuck in my head and it was scary like the scene from the Wizard of Oz. Their response made me look at my situation from another angle because it was so insightful. They said, "Those were all Dorothy's emotions when she needed to get home. She needed heart, courage and to use her head when she did those things...that's what got her home. You have all those." Damn this person for always trying to make me feel better! I started to really think about the movie and how Dorothy was unconscious, lost in the neighborhood in her head, creating a fantasy world in the Land of Oz. All she wanted to do was go home. It seemed like an impossible task. But through her persistence and finding her heart, courage and brain she was able to click those heels of the ruby slippers and make her way home in the end.  

Change isn't easy, especially when it's not your choice. I've been working on building a new life after a tornado ripped it apart. I've got some contemplating to do and very large decisions to make over the next few months. I don't know where those ruby slippers are going to take me when I say "There's no place like home", that's what terrifies me the most.

"Don't dream it...be it."

HALT...

Sometimes we all need to take the time to stop, to have a moment to reflect on what is happening in our lives. This past week I have been on the roller coaster of emotions again, happy in one moment...sad and crying in another. Yesterday I spoke with a friend who stopped in for a smoothie and started crying speaking to her about how I was feeling. I explained that for the past few weeks I had not been sleeping for more than five hours in a night and I couldn't put my finger on the exact cause. I explained that separating Brian's ashes, Jessica's graduation and my life in general had been stressful and very emotional. On Mother's Day the skating rink was closed and I stayed home doing some Spring cleaning. While I was putting my laundry away, I needed more hangers and finally made the decision to take all of Brian's clothing out of the closet and into the boxes that have been sitting in my room for about 5 months. Another step to moving forward in my life, but difficult to do. All of these steps are probably the reason I couldn't sleep. As I spoke with my friend I also explained how difficult it has been to do these things alone, with no one physically there to support me. I continued to tell her that Memorial Day weekend I am planning to empty out the room Brian was sleeping in before he passed away because there are many things in there that I do not need any more and quite a few things I could sell. I was filled with emotion and was crying while speaking. I told her that I didn't want to do all of this alone, but no one is ever available to be there on my schedule. She offered to help, but she too has a busy life and would not be available when I had the time to take care of these things. I appreciate her offer, but cannot wait a few more weeks because I don't have the time with my schedule.

After she left, another friend stopped in to grab some protein powder and was showing me some posts from a gentleman she knows who lost his wife and has moved forward with a relationship very quickly after her passing. She was explaining the judgement this man was receiving from people, the comments about how he shouldn't be dating or even thinking about getting married again and the overall negativity he had been receiving. I could relate to this. Very quickly after Brian passed away, I dove into a relationship for about two months. I was told similar things, I was being judged for my choices. She then shared a post with me that included this video:

I didn't watch the video until much later in the evening. This woman describes perfectly how I feel each and every day. Brian was a large part of my life in high school. He was a major influence on me during our time together as a couple. He was and always will be a part of my life. Brian made me the person I am today, he changed me for the better and even his death changed me in a positive way. One of the issues I have had over the past two years with dating is that some of the men I have met are uncomfortable when I refer to Brian. They don't have to say anything for me to know they've become uncomfortable, I can see it in their face or body language. There are many reasons why I haven't dated anyone since my first relationship after Brian's passing and this is the main reason. Whoever I choose to have a relationship with will need to be accepting of my past and understand that my love for Brian will never go away but it won't interfere with my feelings for them.

Yesterday afternoon in between my two friends stopping into the store, I took the time to H.A.L.T. I write halt in this manner because in my time in the rooms of Al-Anon it is slogan that is used to become more physically and emotionally aware of yourself. 
H = Are you Hungry?
A = Are you Angry?
L = Are you Lonely?
T = Are you Tired?
All of the emotions I was feeling and my behavior over the past few weeks can be summed up in this acronym. I was hungry because I was angry, lonely and tired. I was angry because I was lonely and tired. I was tired because I was lonely. I am lonely. I am surrounded by many people throughout the day whether it be physically or through social media, text or the phone. I have the ability to speak to the people closest to me but sometimes that isn't what I am craving. I enjoy my time by myself, I have made a new life and it's great. The time I spend with people whom I love and cherish is precious to me, but it always ends. Loneliness has been the root of my emotional roller coaster. There are many times that sitting alone in my home or at work that an overwhelming sense of emptiness consumes me. The empty seat on the couch and space in bed, the missing human in the store or car, the person I turned to to talk about my day in depth or how I am feeling in the moment, the person I want to share my conquests with isn't there to speak to. 

Although I feel I am ready to take large steps in moving forward, it has opened the scar and caused me to bleed emotionally. This small hemorrhage is the reason I have lost sleep, deviated from my diet and dimmed passion I've had for a lot of my life. I found myself waking up yesterday morning not wanting to work out, go to work or even wear my roller skates. I talked myself into doing everything I normally do, it was just without the excitement I typically have. Before I left the store last night, I put my phone on "do not disturb" and made the decision I was going to get the rest I so desperately needed. I was home early enough to eat dinner and watch about fifteen minutes of a DVR'd television show before I passed out in my living room. I awoke almost three hours later feeling a little refreshed, removed my makeup, brushed my teeth and went to bed. Even though I woke up several times throughout the night, I slept for almost eleven hours and feel revived. I am in a much better mood today, less hungry and not at all tired. The only thing sleeping could not and will not cure is being lonely. I pray that the next few weeks will help me close another chapter of my life and heal that emotional scar once again. In the meantime, I need to make sure I am well rested, fed and happy. I will try to surround myself with positivity as often as I can and remember that everything I have done and continue to do are for my general wellness and overall mental health.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Ashes To Ashes...

Jessica is graduating from college tomorrow. A few weeks ago, she asked me for something of Brian's to have with her when she walks. Of course my answer was yes, I would never turn down giving something of Brian's to her to have on this special day. The problem I was having was WHAT DO I GIVE TO HER? A piece of his clothing seemed stupid to me, he had cross necklaces I thought about giving to her, there was his visor, apron, I kept going through in my head was the best gift would be.

A few days after she asked, it really hit me. I hadn't separated Brian's ashes yet. What could be better than actually giving a piece of Brian to her for her special day? I bought necklaces for his brothers and my sister-in-laws, a box for his parents and a pendant for myself a year ago. I thought I was ready to honor his wishes and give a part of him to his family. When the order arrived at my home, the box sat on my couch for a year, I didn't even open it. I couldn't do it, I could not open his urn and go through the emotions. Some people might think it was because I didn't want to separate him, it wasn't. I did not want to experience the emotions that came along with doing this. It meant dealing with his death all over again and I did not want to rip the scar open.

Only a few people knew what I was about to do last Thursday. I was encouraged and supported, but no one was there with me. I had to, once again, do something that was extremely painful by myself. I worked all day and had anxiety attacks sporadically throughout the day, I even cried in front of one of my friends when she stopped in for a smoothie. She comforted me and said, "You are stronger than you think." I do not know how I managed to get through the day, but at the end of the night I procrastinated getting home. I spoke with the last customer of the day for over an hour and still had to clean up the store. I didn't get home until 8:30 PM, when I could have been home by 7:30 PM. I really didn't want to deal with the ashes, but it needed to be done.

I immediately opened the box that had been sitting for a year and took Brian's urn of the shelf. All I kept repeating to myself was, "Deep breaths, deep breaths, you can do this." As I unscrewed each pendant and opened the box for his ashes, I started to cry. I think it was a feeling of finality that was causing me the sob. But I took a few more deep breaths and stopped crying. I opened his urn, the bag inside and began scooping and funneling his ashes into each pendant and then a bag for the box. I was talking to Brian the entire time, if people saw this they'd probably think I was crazy. I told him, "I knew this was what you wanted and I've finally brought myself to get it done. Jess wanted to have something of yours for her graduation next week and I couldn't think of anything better than actually giving you to her. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to do. But everyone in your family will now have you like you always wanted." I also kind of yelled at him because the ashes smelled a little strange, I told him, "You smell weird."

It's been close to two years since he passed away and not one single day goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. I have made some big steps over the past five months with moving forward in my life. On January 9, I took my engagement ring and transferred it to a necklace I wear everyday. I cried a lot that day, but I felt I was ready to stop wearing my ring on my finger. I don't know if there will be a day that I stop wearing my ring on my necklace and I don't really think about it. It feels weird not having a ring on my finger, some days I look for it because I forget. I spent eleven years of my life wearing a ring with Brian and before that I was married and wore a ring on my finger for ten years. Twenty-one years later my left ring finger is bare and it feels extremely naked. At the same time, it is freeing and allowing me to close a chapter of my life that has ended. I now have transferred my ring to the pendant necklace with his ashes, keeping them together as a daily reminder of our life together.

Some days are a little harder than others. Last night I was skating and holding the pendant tight, I got lost in thought and memories and my mood immediately changed. My 11 year old friend, Alyssa, noticed that I was lost and asked if I was tired, I just agreed. I don't need to explain to everyone where I go in my head. Some of the neighborhoods I get lost in beat me up. I was there for a little while last night and I have been lost again today. I hide in the shadows, remembering the good times but also the bad. I tend to dwell on the bad lately, thinking about how much pain I was in for quite a few years. Damage was done, some of it was irreversible. I grieved for a long time before Brian passed away. Anyone who was very close with me before his death can tell you that I cried everyday. I couldn't get him to see doctors to correct his health issues and ultimately this led to his death. Sometimes I blame myself for not doing more and then reality sets in and I realize that I did everything I could to help Brian. You cannot change people or make them do things they don't want to do.

Brian had a series of heart attacks the night he died. The doctor came out to explain to me that his heart was extremely weak and they weren't sure what was going to happen. He was alive and breathing, but on a ventilator and his pulse was very low. About 30 minutes later, he had another massive heart attack and passed. I didn't get to see him before he passed away and sat crying for I don't know how long in the hospital hallway while everyone there tried to comfort me. I wouldn't let anyone near me as I sobbed on the floor. I didn't want to be touched or talked to. There was nothing anyone could say or do that could make me feel better. I have looked back at that sad night so many times with tears in my eyes, just like I have right now typing this.

I've only told a handful of people this: I think Brian let go that night. I think he was tired of fighting his demons and dealing with the "body of a 90 year old" (his words). I think he knew how much he was hurting me for a long time and leaving this Earth was his way of stopping that. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy and I think he knew the only way that could happen was by letting go. I would have never left him, no matter what, I was his ride or die chick. I would have done anything for him and I always did. Thinking about his death this way is what I truly believe has helped me move on and do the things that needed to be done to move forward. He is no longer in pain and neither am I. All of the changes I have made for myself since his death have been in his honor, for him, to show him that I respect his wishes and that I am learning to be happy again. One day, we will meet again and I hope that he will be proud of everything I have accomplished and continue to work toward each and everyday.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Broken Pieces & Boundaries...

A little over a month ago, I felt like my life was imploding. I was overwhelmed with stress from all aspects of my life. Work, relationships, working out, skating, everything was causing me stress and it felt like I was burning the candle from both ends. Over and over again I have repeated the words Brian said to me, "God has plan" but it didn't seem to help because I was losing faith in Him and myself. The day I finally broke and was hysterically crying for hours, I spoke with my sister-in-law Jessica when I got to work. 

I sat at my desk crying to Jess about how my life was falling apart. I explained to her that I felt like a broken piece of pottery, but that I had been broken and put back together so many times I wasn't sure if I could piece myself together anymore. Jessica immediately had a response and used my own words to encourage me. She said, "You know what you're going to do? You're going to take all those pieces and smash them up. Then out of that dust, you are going to rise like a phoenix and become something new." In the moment, I couldn't see that happening and responded with, "I don't know if I can do that." Jessica said, "You already have and you'll do it again." I just cried even more. 

A few days later, I was able to recollect myself and do what was needed to correct the situations I was in. That was only after speaking with my other sister-in-law Jenna. We were on the phone talking about everything that was going on and the Serenity Prayer came out of my mouth. It hit me in that moment! "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference." As I was saying this, I realized I needed to focus on the things I could change, the things I had control over and stop focusing on the things I couldn't. This meant I would need to make some changes and really dig deep down inside to find the courage I had lost. Sometimes talking to the people closet to me really enlightens my situations, good or bad. Both Jessica and Jenna helped me and continue to help me each and every day.

I've had to make some changes not only with my work, but in my personal life as well. When Brian and I first started dating, he told me that he was going to cut anything that caused undue stress out of his life. This meant that if it was not a "normal" source of stress, it would no longer be a part of his life. He even said that if I caused this type of stress, I would get cut out too. It hurt when he said that, but you know what? He was right. Other people shouldn't cause issues in your life, friends and family should get along and have fun, not cause each other pain and suffering. I allowed myself to get wrapped up in other people and their problems. Unfortunately, I've had to sort of cut myself out of this. I cannot allow the happiness I have been enjoying to be ripped away by others, to lose myself because of another human being. I will not change who I am for ANYONE, NO ONE. 
 

I had set boundaries and allowed those lines to be crossed. I have been choosing myself for a year now, not allowing anyone to interfere with my goals and aspirations. Somehow over a few months, I went back to people pleasing and it tore me apart from the inside out. I was angry almost everyday for a month and it ultimately led to what amounts to a nervous breakdown. Yesterday, I found this boundaries poem or quote, whatever you'd like to call it. It made me realize what I have been changing over the past month. I am doing everything that is described again. I love myself enough to honor my boundaries. One thing I have said to many people is that my personality has been shining through for months now. I am extremely comfortable with myself and just being me, goofy & silly and serious & professional when I need to be. If someone doesn't like who I am as a person, they don't need to be a part of my life. I may seem selfish at times, but it's for my own happiness. I will not sacrifice anything I am doing for others anymore. I have not formed any walls, just lines that cannot and will not be crossed. I don't like being out of control of my feelings and the only way to protect myself is by having these boundaries.

I have been through hell and back many times in my life, I have risen from the fire and ashes only to have a new flame ignited each time. I have made peace with the broken pieces of my life and continue to move forward healing the scars of the past. Friends and family are helping me along the way, supporting me and encouraging me, but I have found that the only person who can make me whole again is myself.
 

"Don't dream it, be it."

Comfortable Being Uncomfortable...

As I've said in the past, this journey was planned to start in 2017, with Brian. We had a long conversation about what we wanted not only for ourselves, but the store as well. The idea was to show how even with all of the knowledge we had, we too got lost on the track with our health and wellness. A lot had changed since our entry into the fitness industry and social media became a large part of the world. Brian & I discussed how we could utilize this to motivate people, to hold ourselves accountable and use it for advertising for the store as well. The decision at the end of the discussion was we would document our progress, good and bad, on social media.

Fast forward 2 years, it's now 2019 and I've been applying this plan to my life. It's been a year since I've re-started my weight loss/fitness path. I have been more focused on the goal than ever before, without the support that was there in the past. I've been relying on memories and voices in my head to keep me motivated each and everyday. Life has not been easy by any means, there is still a lot of stress and more reasons than ever for me to deviate from my plan. Everyday is a struggle, a battle to fight the demons in my head from taking over and sabotaging the hard work and effort I have put in, to keep me in the "bad neighborhood" of my mind. Then I remember why I started. I owe it to myself and Brian to continue down the path I chose. I recently told someone, "Everything I do is for Brian, to honor his memory and commitment to wanting to see me happy."

One struggle I still have is documenting this journey. Each time I take my phone out to shoot a video or take a picture, I have a mini panic attack. I am so uncomfortable with the thought of posting "selfies" for many reasons. Although I have resigned myself to doing it, I still don't enjoy the process. Over the past couple of months, I have started to REALLY not care what people think even if I'm uncomfortable with shooting these pictures and videos. I have been going live on Facebook and Instagram to post about new products or re-stocking the store and doing videos of me working out in the gym or teaching spin class and of course roller skating. The more I post pictures or do the videos, the more feedback I have been getting from people. 

This morning I stopped at the Stafford Diner for a second breakfast and ran into Ed, he and I have become friends over the past few years. I met him a the counter when I was hanging out at the diner on a regular basis. He started coming to my spin class last summer and has been one of my regulars on Monday evenings. I had asked him if he saw my live video on trying to do the Cotton Eyed Joe on roller skates yesterday, he hadn't. I pulled the video up and he watched, laughing with me because it wasn't very graceful. After we finished watching and giggling, he turned to me and said, "Keep posting your videos, they are motivating." That made my heart happy and brought a big smile to my face. Again, the whole point of posting on social media was to motivate others to get out and get moving and to show them that if I could get healthy and find happiness ANYONE COULD! 

Another place I am a little uncomfortable is at the skating rink. When I first started lessons and was being taught how to balance and do new things, the coach would tell me to practice in the middle during the open sessions. I told her flat out NO. She asked why I i explained that I don't feel comfortable going into the middle because people would be staring at me and I didn't like that. Her response was, "Who cares! You need to practice so you can get better. That's how you're going to do it." I'm fine when I am in the crowd skating around or shuffling. I don't notice people because I'm so lost in what I'm doing, whether it's singing or shuffling or both! My focus is just on finding a hole to get through and not killing myself hahaha! Over the past month or so, I have been going into the middle with Scott, Meredith & Iggy at Jackson and Larry, Dion, Wayne & Larry at Mays Landing. I've been finding myself in the middle more that just skating in a circle because I just want to learn how to dance on my skates right now. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I don't have a routine, I just go out there ask questions and then try to practice what I've been taught. On days I am by myself, I do go out and just practice now. I think about the times the coach told me that's what I needed to do and just say, "Fuck it, I don't care what people think. I'm never going to get better if I don't practice." Most of the time, I'm not graceful, extremely stiff and I almost fall on my butt or face. But you know what? I am never going to learn or get better if I don't keep trying. I still have a hard time relaxing, especially when it's something new that I've learned. I concentrate too hard on what I'm doing instead of just letting my feet and body move. Eventually I will get out of my head and everything will just become second nature, just like skating around the rink has. I just need time to get over the fact that I'm doing something completely different.

The bottom line is that no matter what facet of your life you are trying to excel in, you need to step outside of your comfort zone. You are never going to better yourself or gain new skills staying inside your comfortable bubble. Walk into a restaurant all by yourself and eat dinner, join a gym you don't know anyone at, say hello to a stranger who smiles at you, ask someone who knows what their doing how to do what they do, try something you've wanted to do but have be scared to death to do. You will never lead your best life if you don't try to do something new. I have been trying new things all the time and it makes me frustrated sometimes, but for the most part I feel a great sense of pride and accomplishment when I am able to master a new skill. I feel like nothing can stop me now.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Roller Skating, Dating & FEAR...

Emotions are a natural part of our being. Joy, sadness, anxiety, jealousy, anger, hatred, curiosity, pleasure, pain...the list goes on and on. No matter what the emotion you are feeling, your mood often determines how you make decisions each and every day. I have found that most of the decisions I've made in my life have been made based on the level of one uneasy feeling: FEAR. Over the course of my life most of my choices were made out of fear of what others would think of me, making me regret the path those decisions led me to. This week I have had discussions with numerous people about this very subject.


Back in April when I started skating, I could not relax and learn how to get better at this sport. I would skate out onto the rink tense and scared. I allowed the fear of falling and embarrassing myself to take over. Although I was able to skate around the rink and get the cardio I so desperately needed done, I could not advance further with any skills. The thought of falling on my ass with everyone around me watching dominated and I could not allow myself to try anything new. My skills were extremely basic for months and I was frustrated with myself for not being able to progress any further. Once I allowed myself to become comfortable on the skates, the confidence I felt in my ability to try a new move soared. I improved each and every time I skated. The fear of falling was still in my mind, but I was more comfortable with my surroundings and started to not care what others would think if I fell. Now, I skate freely and confidently with little fear.

I have been replaying a message I received from someone a few months ago in my head. I was trying to explain that I didn't feel I was ready to date. The message I received back was, "You're such a beautiful girl you should stop punishing yourself." I don't think that I am punishing myself. I have come to realize that I am PROTECTING myself. The fear of being in pain has come to rule my love life. I did date someone shortly after Brian passed away and it did not work out. The devastation I felt, especially so close to losing Brian, was overwhelming. It took months to recover from yet another loss in my life. I have entertained some of the people who have shown interest in me since then, only to dismiss them within about two weeks of talking. I haven't even gone on a date with anyone. I fill my time with work, the gym and roller skating, using the fact that I am busy as an excuse, "I don't have time".

I project into the future, play the tape through and always end with me being alone and hurting. Some of my friends have said that when the right person comes along, I will make the time. I can't see that happening. I truly believe that Brian was my soulmate, he left me too soon. The relationship we had was not perfect by any means, yet there was a simple sense of respect, care and understanding we had for each other. I don't compare anyone to him, I know that another person cannot replace him. I cannot see myself finding another human being who will have that same level of communication with me. The more I sit here and type, the more I am beginning to realize that I am afraid of dating. I am scared to open my heart to someone. I am scared to forget Brian, afraid of being hurt and fearful to lose myself again.

I am allowing fear to run a portion of my life that I should not. Somehow I need relax like I did with skating and not worry about opening my heart to someone and falling. I don't know how long it will take for that to happen or if it ever will. Maybe my friends are right and it will just take a very special person to change my mind, but for now I will let the fear protect my heart.

"Don't dream it, be it."