Ashes To Ashes...

Jessica is graduating from college tomorrow. A few weeks ago, she asked me for something of Brian's to have with her when she walks. Of course my answer was yes, I would never turn down giving something of Brian's to her to have on this special day. The problem I was having was WHAT DO I GIVE TO HER? A piece of his clothing seemed stupid to me, he had cross necklaces I thought about giving to her, there was his visor, apron, I kept going through in my head was the best gift would be.

A few days after she asked, it really hit me. I hadn't separated Brian's ashes yet. What could be better than actually giving a piece of Brian to her for her special day? I bought necklaces for his brothers and my sister-in-laws, a box for his parents and a pendant for myself a year ago. I thought I was ready to honor his wishes and give a part of him to his family. When the order arrived at my home, the box sat on my couch for a year, I didn't even open it. I couldn't do it, I could not open his urn and go through the emotions. Some people might think it was because I didn't want to separate him, it wasn't. I did not want to experience the emotions that came along with doing this. It meant dealing with his death all over again and I did not want to rip the scar open.

Only a few people knew what I was about to do last Thursday. I was encouraged and supported, but no one was there with me. I had to, once again, do something that was extremely painful by myself. I worked all day and had anxiety attacks sporadically throughout the day, I even cried in front of one of my friends when she stopped in for a smoothie. She comforted me and said, "You are stronger than you think." I do not know how I managed to get through the day, but at the end of the night I procrastinated getting home. I spoke with the last customer of the day for over an hour and still had to clean up the store. I didn't get home until 8:30 PM, when I could have been home by 7:30 PM. I really didn't want to deal with the ashes, but it needed to be done.

I immediately opened the box that had been sitting for a year and took Brian's urn of the shelf. All I kept repeating to myself was, "Deep breaths, deep breaths, you can do this." As I unscrewed each pendant and opened the box for his ashes, I started to cry. I think it was a feeling of finality that was causing me the sob. But I took a few more deep breaths and stopped crying. I opened his urn, the bag inside and began scooping and funneling his ashes into each pendant and then a bag for the box. I was talking to Brian the entire time, if people saw this they'd probably think I was crazy. I told him, "I knew this was what you wanted and I've finally brought myself to get it done. Jess wanted to have something of yours for her graduation next week and I couldn't think of anything better than actually giving you to her. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to do. But everyone in your family will now have you like you always wanted." I also kind of yelled at him because the ashes smelled a little strange, I told him, "You smell weird."

It's been close to two years since he passed away and not one single day goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. I have made some big steps over the past five months with moving forward in my life. On January 9, I took my engagement ring and transferred it to a necklace I wear everyday. I cried a lot that day, but I felt I was ready to stop wearing my ring on my finger. I don't know if there will be a day that I stop wearing my ring on my necklace and I don't really think about it. It feels weird not having a ring on my finger, some days I look for it because I forget. I spent eleven years of my life wearing a ring with Brian and before that I was married and wore a ring on my finger for ten years. Twenty-one years later my left ring finger is bare and it feels extremely naked. At the same time, it is freeing and allowing me to close a chapter of my life that has ended. I now have transferred my ring to the pendant necklace with his ashes, keeping them together as a daily reminder of our life together.

Some days are a little harder than others. Last night I was skating and holding the pendant tight, I got lost in thought and memories and my mood immediately changed. My 11 year old friend, Alyssa, noticed that I was lost and asked if I was tired, I just agreed. I don't need to explain to everyone where I go in my head. Some of the neighborhoods I get lost in beat me up. I was there for a little while last night and I have been lost again today. I hide in the shadows, remembering the good times but also the bad. I tend to dwell on the bad lately, thinking about how much pain I was in for quite a few years. Damage was done, some of it was irreversible. I grieved for a long time before Brian passed away. Anyone who was very close with me before his death can tell you that I cried everyday. I couldn't get him to see doctors to correct his health issues and ultimately this led to his death. Sometimes I blame myself for not doing more and then reality sets in and I realize that I did everything I could to help Brian. You cannot change people or make them do things they don't want to do.

Brian had a series of heart attacks the night he died. The doctor came out to explain to me that his heart was extremely weak and they weren't sure what was going to happen. He was alive and breathing, but on a ventilator and his pulse was very low. About 30 minutes later, he had another massive heart attack and passed. I didn't get to see him before he passed away and sat crying for I don't know how long in the hospital hallway while everyone there tried to comfort me. I wouldn't let anyone near me as I sobbed on the floor. I didn't want to be touched or talked to. There was nothing anyone could say or do that could make me feel better. I have looked back at that sad night so many times with tears in my eyes, just like I have right now typing this.

I've only told a handful of people this: I think Brian let go that night. I think he was tired of fighting his demons and dealing with the "body of a 90 year old" (his words). I think he knew how much he was hurting me for a long time and leaving this Earth was his way of stopping that. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy and I think he knew the only way that could happen was by letting go. I would have never left him, no matter what, I was his ride or die chick. I would have done anything for him and I always did. Thinking about his death this way is what I truly believe has helped me move on and do the things that needed to be done to move forward. He is no longer in pain and neither am I. All of the changes I have made for myself since his death have been in his honor, for him, to show him that I respect his wishes and that I am learning to be happy again. One day, we will meet again and I hope that he will be proud of everything I have accomplished and continue to work toward each and everyday.

"Don't dream it, be it."