HALT...

Sometimes we all need to take the time to stop, to have a moment to reflect on what is happening in our lives. This past week I have been on the roller coaster of emotions again, happy in one moment...sad and crying in another. Yesterday I spoke with a friend who stopped in for a smoothie and started crying speaking to her about how I was feeling. I explained that for the past few weeks I had not been sleeping for more than five hours in a night and I couldn't put my finger on the exact cause. I explained that separating Brian's ashes, Jessica's graduation and my life in general had been stressful and very emotional. On Mother's Day the skating rink was closed and I stayed home doing some Spring cleaning. While I was putting my laundry away, I needed more hangers and finally made the decision to take all of Brian's clothing out of the closet and into the boxes that have been sitting in my room for about 5 months. Another step to moving forward in my life, but difficult to do. All of these steps are probably the reason I couldn't sleep. As I spoke with my friend I also explained how difficult it has been to do these things alone, with no one physically there to support me. I continued to tell her that Memorial Day weekend I am planning to empty out the room Brian was sleeping in before he passed away because there are many things in there that I do not need any more and quite a few things I could sell. I was filled with emotion and was crying while speaking. I told her that I didn't want to do all of this alone, but no one is ever available to be there on my schedule. She offered to help, but she too has a busy life and would not be available when I had the time to take care of these things. I appreciate her offer, but cannot wait a few more weeks because I don't have the time with my schedule.

After she left, another friend stopped in to grab some protein powder and was showing me some posts from a gentleman she knows who lost his wife and has moved forward with a relationship very quickly after her passing. She was explaining the judgement this man was receiving from people, the comments about how he shouldn't be dating or even thinking about getting married again and the overall negativity he had been receiving. I could relate to this. Very quickly after Brian passed away, I dove into a relationship for about two months. I was told similar things, I was being judged for my choices. She then shared a post with me that included this video:

I didn't watch the video until much later in the evening. This woman describes perfectly how I feel each and every day. Brian was a large part of my life in high school. He was a major influence on me during our time together as a couple. He was and always will be a part of my life. Brian made me the person I am today, he changed me for the better and even his death changed me in a positive way. One of the issues I have had over the past two years with dating is that some of the men I have met are uncomfortable when I refer to Brian. They don't have to say anything for me to know they've become uncomfortable, I can see it in their face or body language. There are many reasons why I haven't dated anyone since my first relationship after Brian's passing and this is the main reason. Whoever I choose to have a relationship with will need to be accepting of my past and understand that my love for Brian will never go away but it won't interfere with my feelings for them.

Yesterday afternoon in between my two friends stopping into the store, I took the time to H.A.L.T. I write halt in this manner because in my time in the rooms of Al-Anon it is slogan that is used to become more physically and emotionally aware of yourself. 
H = Are you Hungry?
A = Are you Angry?
L = Are you Lonely?
T = Are you Tired?
All of the emotions I was feeling and my behavior over the past few weeks can be summed up in this acronym. I was hungry because I was angry, lonely and tired. I was angry because I was lonely and tired. I was tired because I was lonely. I am lonely. I am surrounded by many people throughout the day whether it be physically or through social media, text or the phone. I have the ability to speak to the people closest to me but sometimes that isn't what I am craving. I enjoy my time by myself, I have made a new life and it's great. The time I spend with people whom I love and cherish is precious to me, but it always ends. Loneliness has been the root of my emotional roller coaster. There are many times that sitting alone in my home or at work that an overwhelming sense of emptiness consumes me. The empty seat on the couch and space in bed, the missing human in the store or car, the person I turned to to talk about my day in depth or how I am feeling in the moment, the person I want to share my conquests with isn't there to speak to. 

Although I feel I am ready to take large steps in moving forward, it has opened the scar and caused me to bleed emotionally. This small hemorrhage is the reason I have lost sleep, deviated from my diet and dimmed passion I've had for a lot of my life. I found myself waking up yesterday morning not wanting to work out, go to work or even wear my roller skates. I talked myself into doing everything I normally do, it was just without the excitement I typically have. Before I left the store last night, I put my phone on "do not disturb" and made the decision I was going to get the rest I so desperately needed. I was home early enough to eat dinner and watch about fifteen minutes of a DVR'd television show before I passed out in my living room. I awoke almost three hours later feeling a little refreshed, removed my makeup, brushed my teeth and went to bed. Even though I woke up several times throughout the night, I slept for almost eleven hours and feel revived. I am in a much better mood today, less hungry and not at all tired. The only thing sleeping could not and will not cure is being lonely. I pray that the next few weeks will help me close another chapter of my life and heal that emotional scar once again. In the meantime, I need to make sure I am well rested, fed and happy. I will try to surround myself with positivity as often as I can and remember that everything I have done and continue to do are for my general wellness and overall mental health.

"Don't dream it, be it."