Broken Pieces & Boundaries...

A little over a month ago, I felt like my life was imploding. I was overwhelmed with stress from all aspects of my life. Work, relationships, working out, skating, everything was causing me stress and it felt like I was burning the candle from both ends. Over and over again I have repeated the words Brian said to me, "God has plan" but it didn't seem to help because I was losing faith in Him and myself. The day I finally broke and was hysterically crying for hours, I spoke with my sister-in-law Jessica when I got to work. 

I sat at my desk crying to Jess about how my life was falling apart. I explained to her that I felt like a broken piece of pottery, but that I had been broken and put back together so many times I wasn't sure if I could piece myself together anymore. Jessica immediately had a response and used my own words to encourage me. She said, "You know what you're going to do? You're going to take all those pieces and smash them up. Then out of that dust, you are going to rise like a phoenix and become something new." In the moment, I couldn't see that happening and responded with, "I don't know if I can do that." Jessica said, "You already have and you'll do it again." I just cried even more. 

A few days later, I was able to recollect myself and do what was needed to correct the situations I was in. That was only after speaking with my other sister-in-law Jenna. We were on the phone talking about everything that was going on and the Serenity Prayer came out of my mouth. It hit me in that moment! "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference." As I was saying this, I realized I needed to focus on the things I could change, the things I had control over and stop focusing on the things I couldn't. This meant I would need to make some changes and really dig deep down inside to find the courage I had lost. Sometimes talking to the people closet to me really enlightens my situations, good or bad. Both Jessica and Jenna helped me and continue to help me each and every day.

I've had to make some changes not only with my work, but in my personal life as well. When Brian and I first started dating, he told me that he was going to cut anything that caused undue stress out of his life. This meant that if it was not a "normal" source of stress, it would no longer be a part of his life. He even said that if I caused this type of stress, I would get cut out too. It hurt when he said that, but you know what? He was right. Other people shouldn't cause issues in your life, friends and family should get along and have fun, not cause each other pain and suffering. I allowed myself to get wrapped up in other people and their problems. Unfortunately, I've had to sort of cut myself out of this. I cannot allow the happiness I have been enjoying to be ripped away by others, to lose myself because of another human being. I will not change who I am for ANYONE, NO ONE. 
 

I had set boundaries and allowed those lines to be crossed. I have been choosing myself for a year now, not allowing anyone to interfere with my goals and aspirations. Somehow over a few months, I went back to people pleasing and it tore me apart from the inside out. I was angry almost everyday for a month and it ultimately led to what amounts to a nervous breakdown. Yesterday, I found this boundaries poem or quote, whatever you'd like to call it. It made me realize what I have been changing over the past month. I am doing everything that is described again. I love myself enough to honor my boundaries. One thing I have said to many people is that my personality has been shining through for months now. I am extremely comfortable with myself and just being me, goofy & silly and serious & professional when I need to be. If someone doesn't like who I am as a person, they don't need to be a part of my life. I may seem selfish at times, but it's for my own happiness. I will not sacrifice anything I am doing for others anymore. I have not formed any walls, just lines that cannot and will not be crossed. I don't like being out of control of my feelings and the only way to protect myself is by having these boundaries.

I have been through hell and back many times in my life, I have risen from the fire and ashes only to have a new flame ignited each time. I have made peace with the broken pieces of my life and continue to move forward healing the scars of the past. Friends and family are helping me along the way, supporting me and encouraging me, but I have found that the only person who can make me whole again is myself.
 

"Don't dream it, be it."