I recently binged watched the show Lost Girl on Netflix. I found myself relating to not only the lead character, but many of the other main people as well. Bo never knew she was not a human but a "Fae" who are creatures of legend. Bo is a succubus who feeds on the sexual energy of humans. She searches for the truth about her origins and in the process never chooses to side with the Dark or Light like the other Fae in the community. The story line is quite interesting and captivated me from the very beginning.
For quite some time now, I have been reflecting on my life and trying to figure out where I am headed. The future has been unclear since Brian passing away. Every plan I had included him and now I am uncertain of what direction I am headed. The fitness industry has been my passion for 13 years and my recent love of roller skating has dominated my life for over a year now. Lately, I've debated closing up the store, selling all of my possessions and traveling the country to skate. It sounds insane but there are people who have done crazier things than that to pursue their dreams in life. This thought process is much like Bo in the show Lost Girl, constantly picking up and moving around not settling in one place. Maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis, maybe I'm just trying to deal with the grief of losing the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with or maybe it's both. Who knows?
The one thing I am sure of right now is I need to focus on my business without too many distractions. About two months ago I created a few online dating profiles on different sites. After messaging with many different men and going on several dates, I'm not sure if I'll ever find someone for me again. Almost every man I had a conversation with said I was "very busy". Yes, I am busy. I own a business, have goals for my health and well being, love teaching spin class and absolutely love roller skating. I like being single for many reasons, the main one being that I don't have to sacrifice any of the things I love to do to spend time with someone. Some would call me selfish but I don't look at myself like that. I have spent a lot of my life giving up my goals for other people. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself and it has changed me. I am happier, less stressed and more rational.
After about a month of being on these sites, I took my profiles down and gave myself a break from "swiping left" because that's pretty much all I did. I'd sit looking at profiles, sometimes for hours, just reading and saying "Nope". About a week ago I reactivated one profile and signed up on another site friends recommended with a renewed spirit. I started messaging with a few people I matched with. A few weeks ago I had the most interesting connection yet. Within about 15 minutes of messaging with this man we exchanged phone numbers (no I don't give my real one out) and started text messaging, three hours later we were having a phone conversation. We spoke for a little over an hour because the store was slow when I opened. I probably should have ended the connection at that point because this guy was already trying to change my life. Promises were being made to take care of me financially, rules were being laid out including telling me I couldn't have male friends and at one point he was even going to make my dreams come true and invest in any type of business I wanted to own. I am not naive or gullible nor am I jaded and negative. I am realistic. It sounded like a load of bullshit to me to try to get me in bed with him. That became apparent when I gave him a call after my shift ended at the rink. Another one of his "rules" was that if he didn't sleep with the girl on the second date the relationship wasn't going to work. I told him that was a deal breaker for me and we quickly got off the phone. I received a text a few minutes later about how pissed off he was and how prudish and old fashioned I was being. Needless to say, I blocked this guy and it's the first one I've had to do that with.
I am not going to compromise my morals, values, standards or anything that makes me happy for someone I don't even know. Multiple times this man said I was very negative and got very angry with me. I do not think I am negative at all. I would never ask someone to change who they were for me. I am looking for someone I am compatible with, someone I can share my life with, someone who will accept me for who I am, what I do and not try to change me. To practically demand sex from me, especially when I haven't even met you face to face is a lack of respect in my opinion. A true gentleman wouldn't treat a woman that way, at least not in my experience. I will not allow someone to dictate my choices.
I recently had a conversation with a friend, they were telling me what they saw in me. They said watching me over the past year they saw something in me. "You are like a flame and everyone around you are moths. You attract people." I cried while they went on explaining how proud they were to know me. I didn't say a word as they spoke, tears flowed freely from my eyes and my friend had no idea why I was really crying. I've felt so lost lately. A lot of the time I don't see myself the way others do. As my friend continued to talk about all of the good qualities they saw in me, I continued to cry because in my mind I was thinking, "Why can't I find someone else who actually sees me like this and wants to connect with me on a relationship level?" Some day it might happen, I haven't lost any hope. For now, I am going to continue my skating relationship. It's safe (for the most part), it loves me the way I love it and I always have a smile on my face when we are together. |
| "Don't dream it, be it..." |
No comments:
Post a Comment