Keep Moving Forward....

Some days are harder than others. The past few weeks have been hard, yet somehow I manage to wake up and go through each day as difficult as it is. Daily reminders are everywhere of who is missing.  My house, the store, grocery shopping, the missing texts, watching television shows and even the gym are consistent flashbacks of times that were and will never be again.

This month last year started a downward spiral that led to me losing the one person I never imagined I’d have to live without. Memories are flooding my mind like a tsunami breaking shore. I don’t think I have gone one day since June 30, 2017 without crying. I hide this from everyone because I don’t want to make anyone else upset. This evening isn’t any different. As I lay here in my bedroom, thinking about how much I need to go sleep, my mind is racing through memories of the past. I need to breathe, relax and think about all of the positive in my life. I am here, the store is here, I have a great support system and I am doing things that I enjoy everyday.

I have been living my life using a code that was taught to me 12 years ago, one day at a time...sometimes one second at a time. “This too shall pass.” There is truth to that. Even though I feel broken sometimes, I know that I need to pick up the pieces and put them back together. One of the last text messages Brian sent before he passed was to the owner of GCode Nutriton. Greg has become a good friend and a person I respect. Brian was messaging him about his company and how great he was doing. Brian also had just broken his foot the week before. His text read, “KEEP MOVIN FORWARD. Even if I’m draggin one leg behind.”

Tonight, in the darkness of my bedroom, feeling tired from work and working out and roller skating, I am hearing Brian’s voice wishpering in my ear, “KEEP MOVIN FORWARD pumpkin, even if I’m draggin one leg behind.” Brian, you are my strength and what motivates me from the great beyond. You are forever in my heart, I will continue to make you proud.

“Don’t dream it, be it.”

Roller Skating!

Jess, Jen, Jenna & I

A little over 3 weeks ago, I asked a few friends to go out to dinner and roller skate in Jackson, NJ.  Little did I know that would turn into a new obsession with fitness for me. Jessica, Jenna and Jen joined me on a Saturday evening.  After having dinner at my favorite Asian restaurant, we headed over the Jackson Skating Center.  We got on line, rented out skates and rolled around the rink for 2 hours.  We had so much fun, even though Jess and Jenna ate it pretty hard on the rink.  We watched some of the regulars dancing on their skates and moving around the rink effortlessly.  I was completely impressed by their talent.  I found out they were doing something called "shuffle skating".

One of the "refs" kept telling us we should come back for adult night.  Unfortunately, adult night is once a month event on a Tuesday evening and by the time I get out of work, I wouldn't be able to get there.  That got me thinking...I could go on another night when there was open skate.  That Monday, I was looking at the schedule and made the decision to venture back to Jackson on Wednesday by myself.  It worked with my schedule.  Wednesday came and I was excited to get in my truck and drive 40 minutes away to try skating again.  When I arrived at the rink, I was a little nervous for many reasons: 
#1 I was by myself at a place I didn't know anyone 
#2 I haven't REALLY roller skated since I was about 14 
#3 I don't know what the hell I am doing!

Regardless, I paid to get in and rent skates.  I inquired about lessons immediately and got the name of a coach.  I then went to the skate rental booth, got my skates, I laced up, took a deep breath and made my way onto the rink.  My legs were shaking as I skated around slowly, concentrating on my form and balance.  I think I went around 2 times before the same "ref" who invited me to adult night came around to me.  He kinda of laughed and said, "You look nervous."  I said, "Ya think?".  He started to ask me what my biggest fear was and I said, "Falling on my ass."  His response was very kind and helpful, telling me I need to relax (sure easy for you to say!), keep my knees bent, try not to focus too much, if I was going to fall bend my knees more and put my hands on my legs.  Solid advice, BUT when you're deathly afraid of falling and breaking something...it's not what you are focusing on.  He had overheard me asking about lessons and said he didn't think I really needed them.  That made me feel more comfortable.  Needless to say, I started to loosen up a little and get more comfortable.  I skated that night for over 2 hours and started to fall in love with this new form of exercise.

I returned to the rink on Friday that week.  Friday nights open skate is from 7:30 PM - 11 PM.  I skated for 3 hours without even realizing I was out there for that long!  When I returned my skates, I made the decision that I wanted to own a pair for myself.  Rental skates aren't the greatest and even if I was only going to skate once a week, having my own would be better in the long run.  I went to the manager and purchased a pair of black (of course) Riedell speed skates.  These were recommended because I said I wanted to learn how to shuffle skate.  My skates were not in stock, so it would be about 2 weeks before I got them.

Over the next 2 weeks, I went to the rink every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evening to practice.  The same ref who was "helping" me my first night alone continued to encourage me and tell me I was getting better.  I was so excited.  I kept thinking, "I am making progress and that is really good."  Last week, I asked Jessica if she would come in for a few hours on Tuesday evening so I could go skating on adult night.  She did!  And I was able to go and skate without the little kids I had become extremely afraid of.  I met a few people who had been skating for 40 years!  They were helpful and encouraging.  One man told me I had good balance.  I am so critical of myself, I am watching all of these people do things I am not capable of and beating myself up only to realize all of the have been doing this a hell of a lot longer that I have.  The biggest thing every experienced skater has told me is that I need to relax.  Ummmm, do you know me?  I am not that good at relaxing and you want me to relax while I have 8 wheels on my feet trying to move around in a circle on a wood floor without losing my balance and falling on my ass???????????  How was I going to do that?  

My New Skates!

Wednesday night I arrived at the rink and guess what?  My skates came in.  I was so excited, I haven't felt that happy in a very long time.  The manager handed me the box and explained I may need to make some adjustments.  I don't know anything about roller skates at all, so I was going to need help.  The staff at Jackson Skating Center has been very helpful.  I laced up and got on the rink.  The new skates felt so much better, less bulky, faster and easier to maneuver around.  I did need to tighten the trucks up a little bit. I skated for an hour and a half WITHOUT STOPPING!  That whole relaxing thing wasn't happening too much though.  The "ref" (who's name is John I found out) came up to me on the rink about 10 minutes before they were going to close.  He started a conversation and we rolled around the rink.  After about 5 minutes, I realized that I was doing much better.  I turned to him and said, "This is much easier to do talking to you."  He responded, "That's why I am talking to you." And he laughed.  I wasn't focusing on what I was doing and I was relaxing.

Friday night! I arrived at the skating rink.  I brought my headphones, I had a thought.  Maybe if I listened to music I liked, I wouldn't concentrate on what I was doing as much.  It worked.  I skated for 2 hours straight, weaving in and out of the kids I avoided for the past 2 weeks.  I was gaining speed, balancing better and just having fun singing to myself.  I passed John on the rink and said, "This is so much easier with good music!"  He told me I was a completely different skater with it.  Proud moment for me.  I was doing really good!
 
This past Monday, I gave the roller skating coach a call to set up a private lesson.  I was scheduled for 4:15ish on Wednesday.  I am so excited about my roller skating lesson. I met the instructor for the first time and she corrected a couple of things I was doing wrong. I told Diana (the coach), that I wanted to learn crossovers and ultimately shuffle skate.  She had me rolling and balancing on one leg.  I was not doing so good the first few times, but as I skated around the rink more, finding my center of balance and lifting one leg at a time as I was rolling, it started to get easier and easier.  I turned to her and said, "You're prepping me for crossovers."  She laughed at me!  I was right though.

I met a two young girls who are doing acroskating, it's like figure ice skating but on roller skates! They skated around with me and were helping keep my mind off of what I was doing. My appointment was before the little kid class and I was allowed to stay on the rink and I practiced some of the things Coach Diana went over with me.  I took a break after about 2 hours of being there to eat my dinner, I have been ordering my meals from Coronatos Clean Cuisine.  The manager of the rink was kind enough to let me bring my meal inside instead of eating in my truck.  I sat with one of the acroskating girls, getting to know her.  She is a sweet 17 year girl who is already in college and has a heart condition.  I enjoyed my conversation and when I finished eating, I laced my skates back up and got back out on the rink.  She joined me to help me practicing, giving me some tips and talking again.

I am a sweaty mess

I skated Wednesday night for about 4 out of the 5 hours I was at the rink.  It's the longest amount of time I have spent out there.  Roller skating at the age of 39 is definitely not something I would have thought I'd be doing.  The reality is, I have gotten back on a good routine of weightlifting, spinning, sleeping and eating.  6 weeks ago, I was trying to add extra cardio into my plan but I couldn't bring myself back to the gym to do it.  I have a limited amount of time in the mornings to workout and at the end of the day I was not motivated to go back there to use the cardio equipment.  I didn't want to cut my calories back to offset my diet plan.  I was at a loss and I knew I needed to either do more exercise or eat a little less.  Roller skating has allowed me to get extra exercise, be around new people and make friends AND HAVE FUN.   

Adam, Jess, Jenna, Alyssa, Kaeli & I

I spend 3 nights a week driving to Jackson to do something I am quickly falling in love with.  There is a cool subculture associated with roller skating.  The people who are regulars are very friendly and helpful.  It seems like they want you to enjoy the sport as much as they do and will help in whatever way they can.  I am determined to shuffle skate by the end of the summer.  I might even venture to a couple of skating rinks in Camden and Newark on the recommendation of people I have been talking to.  The bottom line is I have found a new way to do cardio and have a lot of fun.  You should join me one night.  Who knows, maybe you'll fall in love with skating like I have.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving has always been a time for people to reflect on their lives and be appreciative of the people and things that they have in their lives. Honestly, holidays have never been a huge focus in my life. Brian & I never celebrated Thanksgiving. Our day consisted of getting up, going to the gym, coming home to get showered, some years visiting some family and it was my day to set up our Christmas tree and decorate. It is also the day that I spend finalizing Black Friday and Small Business Saturday sales and posts for the store. This year I will be doing this alone. I am not afraid of this, I am grateful for it. That may sound harsh, but look at it from my view. I wouldn't be able to doing any of those things the same way if it weren't for Brian coming into my life. We built our world, a world that I am still able to live and thrive in. All he would have ever wanted is for me to pick myself up and keep moving forward! I am thankful for my family & all of the people who have come into my life, thankful for all of the things I have been able to do and continue doing and thankful for the things I have.
This is the first Thanksgiving in 11 years that I will spend without Brian. I have been told by numerous people that I should be around people because the holidays are a difficult time once you've lost a loved one. The truth is, life everyday is difficult without him. I choose to stay out of my head each day and not dwell on something that I CANNOT change. And I am grateful that I have been able to do this (for the most part).
On July 25, 2017, I wrote a post on Facebook after not really posting very much about how I was feeling. This post about sums up how I feel about Brian on this Thanksgiving Eve (and everyday); I am re-sharing it today:
I haven’t really said much lately. Things have been very difficult for me. People ask “How are you?” I don’t even know how to answer that question. Some days are good and some aren’t. I’ve described it as a rollercoaster, and I like rollercoasters, but not this kind.
Brian was a great man, he promised from the beginning that he would treat me like a queen and he did just that. He taught me a lot over the years, the greatest thing being what true love was. Brian and I went through many different things during our relationship. Some of those things were bad, but having the time to reflect these past few weeks…most of our relationship was GOOD. NO, not good, GREAT. I was his queen and he was my king. I thank him for this.
Brian only let the world see a part of him, the part that he wanted people to see. He saved the rest of himself for me. I was able to share a piece of him that he told me he had never shared with anyone else. I got to see the whole picture, hear the stories of his life, the struggles of his trials and tribulations, his dreams and aspirations. I thank him for this.
We were able to build a life together, one that seemed impossible. Every time something was bad, I would be worrying. Playing the tape through as he always said, freaking out that the worse would happen. Brian always could calm me down by telling me, “God brought us together for a reason. We are a power couple. Everything will work out, even if it isn’t the way we want.” You know what? He was ALWAYS right. Somehow he always had the faith that nothing bad would happen to us. Over the years, I started to see this as the truth and was able to stop thinking the worse and start seeing the best. I think that’s what has been helping me through this tragedy. Without the faith and hope that everything will work out, even if it isn’t the way we wanted, I don’t know where I would be right now. I thank him for this.
To My Soulmate:
I thank you Brian Heck for stepping into my life almost 10 years after the last time I saw you. I thank you for teaching me to evolve and change into the person I am today. I thank you for the 11 years of life I was able to spend with you. I thank you for legacy we were able to build together. I thank you for loving me unconditionally with your full heart, always putting my needs and wants before your own. I thank you for being you. I will always cherish the time I had with you. I will love you forever. Until we meet again.
PUMPKIN

"Don't Dream It...Be It."

 

Don't Dream It...Be It...

"Don't dream it, be it" has been a quote I've used for a quarter of a century. I have repeated this line from the Rocky Horror Picture Show since I was about 14 years old. I fell in love with this cult sensation back then. A lot of people will watch Rocky Horror and not see any of the meaning behind the B-rated movie. I know some of  you are thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?!" BUT if you really sit back and listen to the lyrics in the songs, there is real meaning behind them.
Being a teenager is a pivotal time in your life, you start to make decisions that shape who you are, the direction you are headed in life, set goals and aspirations of who you want to be. Of course this changes throughout your life, as you get older life likes to throw curve balls at you or you make some decisions that take you down a completely different path than you had originally planned. That is much like the beginning of The Rocky Horror Picture show! Brad & Janet set out on a journey and get a flat tire on the way. If you've seen the movie, you know exactly what I am talking about. They get detoured to one of the weirdest plot twists life can throw at you after their tire blows out.

Back to the quote...This comes from the song "Rose Tint My World". This song resonated with me as soon as I heard it. It sounds silly considering the song is about Frank wanting to be dressed as a woman, somehow in my 14 year old mind I looked deeper at the words in that song and applied it to my life. "Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain." What does that mean? It means being too optimistic in the most troubling of times, looking for the good in the worst situations and thinking things are better than they really are. Who knows? Maybe this is how I have survived all of the tragedies I have experienced in my life. I may be wearing rose colored glasses and believing things are better than they seem. This simple song could be the reason I am still here looking for the positive in every circumstance I have ever been in. Lord knows I've listened to this song too many times to count!

Fast forward through the song and you get to the line "Don't dream it, be it". Such a motivating statement. Again, the reference isn't what I've turned it into in my mind.  At the same time, it can be applied to anyone's life. I've learned to believe in myself and follow my dreams, to have self confidence and push forward. These words stick in my mind and keep me moving toward the goals I have set for my life. There are plenty of quotes out there about living your dream instead of just thinking about it. Richard O'Brien incorporated a version into the movie in this song. I use this quote as a motivating factor in my life. Everything I have ever dreamed I wanted to be or do, I have been. I've worked hard for the things I have accomplished in my life with these 5 words keeping me inspired.
It's strange to think The Rocky Horror Picture Show helped mold me into the person I am today, especially since my life is nothing like the story line. I will always hold this movie close to my heart, even if it's really weird and doesn't make much sense to the rest of society because rose tints my world keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

"Don't dream it...be it."

You Can't Steal My Sunshine...

It is said: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." This can be far from the truth. 

Most of my life I haven't been able to think or say that statement without letting what others say about me get stuck in my head. I played it off at first like what someone said didn't bother me, but then the words played like a broken record over and over in my head. Even if what someone says isn't true, I was never confident enough to realize that what they are saying isn't true. 

That has changed over the past 6 or so years. Brian helped me with that. There were many times after I started teaching spin class I would come home upset because someone would have left class early, complained about my music or even looking completely stone faced while taking class. The worst was one evening I taught and left the gym crying because there were a group of women in the front row making fun of me the entire class. In that moment, I wanted to give up. I went home broken and told Brian that I was quitting, I could no longer take it. He sat down with me and asked, "Do you LIKE teaching spin?"  I said, "Of course." He went on to ask why I would let other people influence me, let them take the joy out of something I liked, allow them to take away my happiness. I didn't know what to say to him.  My response was, "It's easier to quit than to deal with them." We went on to talking about whether I should really give up on spinning and after the conversation I made the decision to continue because everything Brian said made complete sense.

I continued to instruct class, but I changed the way I taught little by little. I adapted to the demographic of my class as far as music was concerned, I ignored the people who left and the people who had anything negative to say. I believe that was the year I got Mad Dogg certified as well. I used the anger and frustration to fuel my love of being a Spinning Instructor.  My classes were still as hard as they ever were, but they evolved. The next few years my classes grew with attendance and people came and went.  In the beginning of this year, I started to question myself again, wondering if I really wanted to continue teaching.  The gym, my class demographic and I was changing. I was losing the passion I had for Spin all over again.  By April, I was seriously contemplating giving my classes up.  I even mentioned it to a few frequent attendees and friends. Each person said they HOPED I didn't leave because they LOVED my class.  The response was not what I expected, I thought they would be happy that I would be gone. I truly believed they could see I was no longer the same instructor and that my classes were going down in quality.

I still toyed with the idea of leaving for the next few months, even though I really didn't want to. Brian & I were looking into things I could do to make my class even more unique and different than what it was. Then Brian passed away and I truly COULDN'T teach. I took 4 weeks off.  In those 4 weeks, there was a lot of reflection and thought. What did I want to do with my life? Where am I heading? How am I going to instruct and run a store by myself? The longer I was home, the more I actually missed being at the gym. I had started going in 1 day a week with a trainer just to get out of my house and get some kind of physical stimulation. Two weeks after I being on "leave", a woman who was subbing for my class stopped me after my personal training session. She told me that the members had said they liked her, but they really missed MY CLASS. Of course I cried when I left the gym, but you know what? I emailed my boss that day and told her I wanted to start teaching again on August 1. I came back on August 1 with a renewed spirit, love and passion for my class.  I just kept thinking about that conversation from years ago with Brian and thinking about the couple of months prior to taking leave. He would never in a million years would have wanted me to give up, it gave me the hope and determination I needed to get up and ride. I am so glad it did.

 

I am forever grateful for the lessons life has taught me. Today, I can say with confidence, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Do you want to know why? I realize now that what other people say to me isn't a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of their perception of me OR something they are struggling with in their own lives. I strive to be MY best and that's the best I can do.  You can't steal my sunshine.

A New Chapter of Life...

I have not updated this blog in over 3 years.  Many things have changed, as they do with most people's lives.  Some people know what has happened, others are still finding out.  On June 30, 2017 at 2:42 AM my life forever changed.  I lost Brian, he suffered a series of heart attacks and was taken from me.  This was the man who loved me unconditionally and would have done anything to make me happy.  He was the one I was supposed to grow old with, who built a business with me, who supported me through all of the craziness and was my constant in every situation.  Brian was always able to calm me down when I worried, told me everything would be alright, that God has a plan.  GOD HAS A PLAN and that did not fit what my hopes and dreams were.

I have a hard time thinking about that late night/early morning experience. For days after his death, I could not control my emotions I felt hopeless and unmotivated.  The tears were uncontrollable and the guilt and remorse allowed the dam to stay open.  I avoided leaving my house in fear of running into anyone I knew, I asked people to pick my food up from the diner because I couldn't face anyone.  I didn't go to the grocery store, I stopped teaching my spin class, I just sat in my house on my couch living inside of my head.  I didn't think that I would ever be able to function again.  I could not see myself talking to people about Brian or his death or how I was feeling.  I really didn't think I could ever be happy again.  I vowed that I was done with relationships forever.  It felt like someone ripped my heart out, burned it and then tried to sew it back into me. The pain hasn't gone away.  I've described it to being like having surgery and getting scar tissue: At first it is very painful, but as time goes by the pain dulls and only hurts with reminders of it being there.

I have been trying to focus on taking care of myself.  Doing things that I have wanted to do for years, getting back into the gym, prepping my food for the most part, going to the doctor to make sure I am ok, running the store alone and even allowed myself to get into a relationship.  It's not easy to get up every day after 11 years of being with someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and function.  I try to start each day with a positive attitude, sometimes it's not easy.  Sometimes a wave of emotion comes over me and I cannot do anything to stop it.  Sometimes I feel like there are multiple waves crashes over my head and I think I am drowning.  There are days I want the waves to just carry my away.  

The past 20 months have been the most DIFFICULT I have EVER experienced in almost 39 years.  I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life and even though I am surrounded by loving and caring people who want to help, I have never felt so alone. On a daily basis people tell me how strong I am, how they admire me for that strength and how they wish nothing but happiness for me.  Today, I wake up feeling sick from having a procedure done yesterday at the doctor, my heart ripped from my chest yet again from someone who "thought" they were ready for a relationship and I have to face the day somehow with a smile.

Brian sent this text to Greg at Gcode Nutrition just a few days before he passed away:
KEEP MOVIN FORWARD. Even if I’m dragging one dead leg behind.  

I remember coming home that evening and him laughing about the text because his foot was broken.  It was kind of funny in a very sad way, but you know what?  He's right.  I need to keep moving forward.  Even if I'm dragging one dead leg behind.  

Let go, Let God.

This too shall pass.

Willingness is the key. 

God grant me the serenity to

ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change,

The COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can,

AND the WISDOM to KNOW the DIFFERENCE. 

"Don't dream it, be it."

I Struggle With Life...

I am not sure where I will be going with this post.  Things have been overwhelmingly stressful for months.  Between the store, teaching, personal training and my own actual daily life...I am not sure how I am still functioning. I have this goal of competing, but each day that goal seems to be slipping further and further away from me.  It is extremely hard to balance everything going on right now and I am that person that puts everything else before my own needs and wants.  But, in my defense, as much as I WANT to compete, it isn't a NECESSITY.  Competing is a goal, a check mark for my "bucket list", it really isn't something that I HAVE to do.  I realize this.
Waking up between 4:30 & 5:00 every morning and going to bed between 10:30 & 11:30 at night is very tiresome.  I don't have kids, I don't have pets...it's just me, Brian and the store.  My day isn't just sitting around chatting with people about supplements, throwing together a playlist for spin and just beating the hell out of a client I am training.  There is paperwork that needs to be done, orders that need to be made and then put away, bills that need to be paid at home and our store, programs that need to be put together for spin, training sessions that need to be unique for each person and their injuries, limitations and goals...not to mention dealing with the public all day is a mental roller coaster.  When you see anywhere from 10-30 people at day and hear all about the good and bad things happening in their lives, it's A LOT to take in.  My brain can only take so much.
Most people look at our life and only see the good, they see the store and us working everyday.  But what they fail to realize is that we struggle just like everyone else, we struggle with money, with struggle with bills, we struggle with our health, we struggle in our relationship.  One of the things that makes our store and our relationship different is the fact that both of us have had to struggle to get to where we are.  Brian is a recovering addict who is not perfect by any means.  He has his battle with addiction which is a fight that doesn't ever end.  As for myself, I battle each day to never return to that 210 lb woman from 8 years ago.  Being able to maintain my weight for the past few years is amazing.
With everything that has been going on in our lives, one thought keeps going through my mind.  I am like you.  I struggle everyday to wake up and do the right thing.  I struggle to not be lazy.  I struggle to eat the right portions.  I struggle to make sure I get to the gym.  I struggle to lose the extra fat on my body. I struggle to keep my relationship healthy.  I struggle with money.  I struggle with bills.

I STRUGGLE WITH LIFE.

Despite this, I still wake up everyday with the hope and drive that today is a new day.  I can start over, yesterday is gone and I can learn from my mistakes.  Eventually, there will be a time when I can work on the goal of competing.  For whatever reason, that time isn't now.

"Don't dream it, be it."