You Can't Steal My Sunshine...

It is said: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." This can be far from the truth. 

Most of my life I haven't been able to think or say that statement without letting what others say about me get stuck in my head. I played it off at first like what someone said didn't bother me, but then the words played like a broken record over and over in my head. Even if what someone says isn't true, I was never confident enough to realize that what they are saying isn't true. 

That has changed over the past 6 or so years. Brian helped me with that. There were many times after I started teaching spin class I would come home upset because someone would have left class early, complained about my music or even looking completely stone faced while taking class. The worst was one evening I taught and left the gym crying because there were a group of women in the front row making fun of me the entire class. In that moment, I wanted to give up. I went home broken and told Brian that I was quitting, I could no longer take it. He sat down with me and asked, "Do you LIKE teaching spin?"  I said, "Of course." He went on to ask why I would let other people influence me, let them take the joy out of something I liked, allow them to take away my happiness. I didn't know what to say to him.  My response was, "It's easier to quit than to deal with them." We went on to talking about whether I should really give up on spinning and after the conversation I made the decision to continue because everything Brian said made complete sense.

I continued to instruct class, but I changed the way I taught little by little. I adapted to the demographic of my class as far as music was concerned, I ignored the people who left and the people who had anything negative to say. I believe that was the year I got Mad Dogg certified as well. I used the anger and frustration to fuel my love of being a Spinning Instructor.  My classes were still as hard as they ever were, but they evolved. The next few years my classes grew with attendance and people came and went.  In the beginning of this year, I started to question myself again, wondering if I really wanted to continue teaching.  The gym, my class demographic and I was changing. I was losing the passion I had for Spin all over again.  By April, I was seriously contemplating giving my classes up.  I even mentioned it to a few frequent attendees and friends. Each person said they HOPED I didn't leave because they LOVED my class.  The response was not what I expected, I thought they would be happy that I would be gone. I truly believed they could see I was no longer the same instructor and that my classes were going down in quality.

I still toyed with the idea of leaving for the next few months, even though I really didn't want to. Brian & I were looking into things I could do to make my class even more unique and different than what it was. Then Brian passed away and I truly COULDN'T teach. I took 4 weeks off.  In those 4 weeks, there was a lot of reflection and thought. What did I want to do with my life? Where am I heading? How am I going to instruct and run a store by myself? The longer I was home, the more I actually missed being at the gym. I had started going in 1 day a week with a trainer just to get out of my house and get some kind of physical stimulation. Two weeks after I being on "leave", a woman who was subbing for my class stopped me after my personal training session. She told me that the members had said they liked her, but they really missed MY CLASS. Of course I cried when I left the gym, but you know what? I emailed my boss that day and told her I wanted to start teaching again on August 1. I came back on August 1 with a renewed spirit, love and passion for my class.  I just kept thinking about that conversation from years ago with Brian and thinking about the couple of months prior to taking leave. He would never in a million years would have wanted me to give up, it gave me the hope and determination I needed to get up and ride. I am so glad it did.

 

I am forever grateful for the lessons life has taught me. Today, I can say with confidence, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Do you want to know why? I realize now that what other people say to me isn't a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of their perception of me OR something they are struggling with in their own lives. I strive to be MY best and that's the best I can do.  You can't steal my sunshine.