A New Chapter of Life...

I have not updated this blog in over 3 years.  Many things have changed, as they do with most people's lives.  Some people know what has happened, others are still finding out.  On June 30, 2017 at 2:42 AM my life forever changed.  I lost Brian, he suffered a series of heart attacks and was taken from me.  This was the man who loved me unconditionally and would have done anything to make me happy.  He was the one I was supposed to grow old with, who built a business with me, who supported me through all of the craziness and was my constant in every situation.  Brian was always able to calm me down when I worried, told me everything would be alright, that God has a plan.  GOD HAS A PLAN and that did not fit what my hopes and dreams were.

I have a hard time thinking about that late night/early morning experience. For days after his death, I could not control my emotions I felt hopeless and unmotivated.  The tears were uncontrollable and the guilt and remorse allowed the dam to stay open.  I avoided leaving my house in fear of running into anyone I knew, I asked people to pick my food up from the diner because I couldn't face anyone.  I didn't go to the grocery store, I stopped teaching my spin class, I just sat in my house on my couch living inside of my head.  I didn't think that I would ever be able to function again.  I could not see myself talking to people about Brian or his death or how I was feeling.  I really didn't think I could ever be happy again.  I vowed that I was done with relationships forever.  It felt like someone ripped my heart out, burned it and then tried to sew it back into me. The pain hasn't gone away.  I've described it to being like having surgery and getting scar tissue: At first it is very painful, but as time goes by the pain dulls and only hurts with reminders of it being there.

I have been trying to focus on taking care of myself.  Doing things that I have wanted to do for years, getting back into the gym, prepping my food for the most part, going to the doctor to make sure I am ok, running the store alone and even allowed myself to get into a relationship.  It's not easy to get up every day after 11 years of being with someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and function.  I try to start each day with a positive attitude, sometimes it's not easy.  Sometimes a wave of emotion comes over me and I cannot do anything to stop it.  Sometimes I feel like there are multiple waves crashes over my head and I think I am drowning.  There are days I want the waves to just carry my away.  

The past 20 months have been the most DIFFICULT I have EVER experienced in almost 39 years.  I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life and even though I am surrounded by loving and caring people who want to help, I have never felt so alone. On a daily basis people tell me how strong I am, how they admire me for that strength and how they wish nothing but happiness for me.  Today, I wake up feeling sick from having a procedure done yesterday at the doctor, my heart ripped from my chest yet again from someone who "thought" they were ready for a relationship and I have to face the day somehow with a smile.

Brian sent this text to Greg at Gcode Nutrition just a few days before he passed away:
KEEP MOVIN FORWARD. Even if I’m dragging one dead leg behind.  

I remember coming home that evening and him laughing about the text because his foot was broken.  It was kind of funny in a very sad way, but you know what?  He's right.  I need to keep moving forward.  Even if I'm dragging one dead leg behind.  

Let go, Let God.

This too shall pass.

Willingness is the key. 

God grant me the serenity to

ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change,

The COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can,

AND the WISDOM to KNOW the DIFFERENCE. 

"Don't dream it, be it."