Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving has always been a time for people to reflect on their lives and be appreciative of the people and things that they have in their lives. Honestly, holidays have never been a huge focus in my life. Brian & I never celebrated Thanksgiving. Our day consisted of getting up, going to the gym, coming home to get showered, some years visiting some family and it was my day to set up our Christmas tree and decorate. It is also the day that I spend finalizing Black Friday and Small Business Saturday sales and posts for the store. This year I will be doing this alone. I am not afraid of this, I am grateful for it. That may sound harsh, but look at it from my view. I wouldn't be able to doing any of those things the same way if it weren't for Brian coming into my life. We built our world, a world that I am still able to live and thrive in. All he would have ever wanted is for me to pick myself up and keep moving forward! I am thankful for my family & all of the people who have come into my life, thankful for all of the things I have been able to do and continue doing and thankful for the things I have.
This is the first Thanksgiving in 11 years that I will spend without Brian. I have been told by numerous people that I should be around people because the holidays are a difficult time once you've lost a loved one. The truth is, life everyday is difficult without him. I choose to stay out of my head each day and not dwell on something that I CANNOT change. And I am grateful that I have been able to do this (for the most part).
On July 25, 2017, I wrote a post on Facebook after not really posting very much about how I was feeling. This post about sums up how I feel about Brian on this Thanksgiving Eve (and everyday); I am re-sharing it today:
I haven’t really said much lately. Things have been very difficult for me. People ask “How are you?” I don’t even know how to answer that question. Some days are good and some aren’t. I’ve described it as a rollercoaster, and I like rollercoasters, but not this kind.
Brian was a great man, he promised from the beginning that he would treat me like a queen and he did just that. He taught me a lot over the years, the greatest thing being what true love was. Brian and I went through many different things during our relationship. Some of those things were bad, but having the time to reflect these past few weeks…most of our relationship was GOOD. NO, not good, GREAT. I was his queen and he was my king. I thank him for this.
Brian only let the world see a part of him, the part that he wanted people to see. He saved the rest of himself for me. I was able to share a piece of him that he told me he had never shared with anyone else. I got to see the whole picture, hear the stories of his life, the struggles of his trials and tribulations, his dreams and aspirations. I thank him for this.
We were able to build a life together, one that seemed impossible. Every time something was bad, I would be worrying. Playing the tape through as he always said, freaking out that the worse would happen. Brian always could calm me down by telling me, “God brought us together for a reason. We are a power couple. Everything will work out, even if it isn’t the way we want.” You know what? He was ALWAYS right. Somehow he always had the faith that nothing bad would happen to us. Over the years, I started to see this as the truth and was able to stop thinking the worse and start seeing the best. I think that’s what has been helping me through this tragedy. Without the faith and hope that everything will work out, even if it isn’t the way we wanted, I don’t know where I would be right now. I thank him for this.
To My Soulmate:
I thank you Brian Heck for stepping into my life almost 10 years after the last time I saw you. I thank you for teaching me to evolve and change into the person I am today. I thank you for the 11 years of life I was able to spend with you. I thank you for legacy we were able to build together. I thank you for loving me unconditionally with your full heart, always putting my needs and wants before your own. I thank you for being you. I will always cherish the time I had with you. I will love you forever. Until we meet again.
PUMPKIN

"Don't Dream It...Be It."