HALT...

Sometimes we all need to take the time to stop, to have a moment to reflect on what is happening in our lives. This past week I have been on the roller coaster of emotions again, happy in one moment...sad and crying in another. Yesterday I spoke with a friend who stopped in for a smoothie and started crying speaking to her about how I was feeling. I explained that for the past few weeks I had not been sleeping for more than five hours in a night and I couldn't put my finger on the exact cause. I explained that separating Brian's ashes, Jessica's graduation and my life in general had been stressful and very emotional. On Mother's Day the skating rink was closed and I stayed home doing some Spring cleaning. While I was putting my laundry away, I needed more hangers and finally made the decision to take all of Brian's clothing out of the closet and into the boxes that have been sitting in my room for about 5 months. Another step to moving forward in my life, but difficult to do. All of these steps are probably the reason I couldn't sleep. As I spoke with my friend I also explained how difficult it has been to do these things alone, with no one physically there to support me. I continued to tell her that Memorial Day weekend I am planning to empty out the room Brian was sleeping in before he passed away because there are many things in there that I do not need any more and quite a few things I could sell. I was filled with emotion and was crying while speaking. I told her that I didn't want to do all of this alone, but no one is ever available to be there on my schedule. She offered to help, but she too has a busy life and would not be available when I had the time to take care of these things. I appreciate her offer, but cannot wait a few more weeks because I don't have the time with my schedule.

After she left, another friend stopped in to grab some protein powder and was showing me some posts from a gentleman she knows who lost his wife and has moved forward with a relationship very quickly after her passing. She was explaining the judgement this man was receiving from people, the comments about how he shouldn't be dating or even thinking about getting married again and the overall negativity he had been receiving. I could relate to this. Very quickly after Brian passed away, I dove into a relationship for about two months. I was told similar things, I was being judged for my choices. She then shared a post with me that included this video:

I didn't watch the video until much later in the evening. This woman describes perfectly how I feel each and every day. Brian was a large part of my life in high school. He was a major influence on me during our time together as a couple. He was and always will be a part of my life. Brian made me the person I am today, he changed me for the better and even his death changed me in a positive way. One of the issues I have had over the past two years with dating is that some of the men I have met are uncomfortable when I refer to Brian. They don't have to say anything for me to know they've become uncomfortable, I can see it in their face or body language. There are many reasons why I haven't dated anyone since my first relationship after Brian's passing and this is the main reason. Whoever I choose to have a relationship with will need to be accepting of my past and understand that my love for Brian will never go away but it won't interfere with my feelings for them.

Yesterday afternoon in between my two friends stopping into the store, I took the time to H.A.L.T. I write halt in this manner because in my time in the rooms of Al-Anon it is slogan that is used to become more physically and emotionally aware of yourself. 
H = Are you Hungry?
A = Are you Angry?
L = Are you Lonely?
T = Are you Tired?
All of the emotions I was feeling and my behavior over the past few weeks can be summed up in this acronym. I was hungry because I was angry, lonely and tired. I was angry because I was lonely and tired. I was tired because I was lonely. I am lonely. I am surrounded by many people throughout the day whether it be physically or through social media, text or the phone. I have the ability to speak to the people closest to me but sometimes that isn't what I am craving. I enjoy my time by myself, I have made a new life and it's great. The time I spend with people whom I love and cherish is precious to me, but it always ends. Loneliness has been the root of my emotional roller coaster. There are many times that sitting alone in my home or at work that an overwhelming sense of emptiness consumes me. The empty seat on the couch and space in bed, the missing human in the store or car, the person I turned to to talk about my day in depth or how I am feeling in the moment, the person I want to share my conquests with isn't there to speak to. 

Although I feel I am ready to take large steps in moving forward, it has opened the scar and caused me to bleed emotionally. This small hemorrhage is the reason I have lost sleep, deviated from my diet and dimmed passion I've had for a lot of my life. I found myself waking up yesterday morning not wanting to work out, go to work or even wear my roller skates. I talked myself into doing everything I normally do, it was just without the excitement I typically have. Before I left the store last night, I put my phone on "do not disturb" and made the decision I was going to get the rest I so desperately needed. I was home early enough to eat dinner and watch about fifteen minutes of a DVR'd television show before I passed out in my living room. I awoke almost three hours later feeling a little refreshed, removed my makeup, brushed my teeth and went to bed. Even though I woke up several times throughout the night, I slept for almost eleven hours and feel revived. I am in a much better mood today, less hungry and not at all tired. The only thing sleeping could not and will not cure is being lonely. I pray that the next few weeks will help me close another chapter of my life and heal that emotional scar once again. In the meantime, I need to make sure I am well rested, fed and happy. I will try to surround myself with positivity as often as I can and remember that everything I have done and continue to do are for my general wellness and overall mental health.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Ashes To Ashes...

Jessica is graduating from college tomorrow. A few weeks ago, she asked me for something of Brian's to have with her when she walks. Of course my answer was yes, I would never turn down giving something of Brian's to her to have on this special day. The problem I was having was WHAT DO I GIVE TO HER? A piece of his clothing seemed stupid to me, he had cross necklaces I thought about giving to her, there was his visor, apron, I kept going through in my head was the best gift would be.

A few days after she asked, it really hit me. I hadn't separated Brian's ashes yet. What could be better than actually giving a piece of Brian to her for her special day? I bought necklaces for his brothers and my sister-in-laws, a box for his parents and a pendant for myself a year ago. I thought I was ready to honor his wishes and give a part of him to his family. When the order arrived at my home, the box sat on my couch for a year, I didn't even open it. I couldn't do it, I could not open his urn and go through the emotions. Some people might think it was because I didn't want to separate him, it wasn't. I did not want to experience the emotions that came along with doing this. It meant dealing with his death all over again and I did not want to rip the scar open.

Only a few people knew what I was about to do last Thursday. I was encouraged and supported, but no one was there with me. I had to, once again, do something that was extremely painful by myself. I worked all day and had anxiety attacks sporadically throughout the day, I even cried in front of one of my friends when she stopped in for a smoothie. She comforted me and said, "You are stronger than you think." I do not know how I managed to get through the day, but at the end of the night I procrastinated getting home. I spoke with the last customer of the day for over an hour and still had to clean up the store. I didn't get home until 8:30 PM, when I could have been home by 7:30 PM. I really didn't want to deal with the ashes, but it needed to be done.

I immediately opened the box that had been sitting for a year and took Brian's urn of the shelf. All I kept repeating to myself was, "Deep breaths, deep breaths, you can do this." As I unscrewed each pendant and opened the box for his ashes, I started to cry. I think it was a feeling of finality that was causing me the sob. But I took a few more deep breaths and stopped crying. I opened his urn, the bag inside and began scooping and funneling his ashes into each pendant and then a bag for the box. I was talking to Brian the entire time, if people saw this they'd probably think I was crazy. I told him, "I knew this was what you wanted and I've finally brought myself to get it done. Jess wanted to have something of yours for her graduation next week and I couldn't think of anything better than actually giving you to her. I'm sorry that it took so long for me to do. But everyone in your family will now have you like you always wanted." I also kind of yelled at him because the ashes smelled a little strange, I told him, "You smell weird."

It's been close to two years since he passed away and not one single day goes by that I don't think of him or miss him. I have made some big steps over the past five months with moving forward in my life. On January 9, I took my engagement ring and transferred it to a necklace I wear everyday. I cried a lot that day, but I felt I was ready to stop wearing my ring on my finger. I don't know if there will be a day that I stop wearing my ring on my necklace and I don't really think about it. It feels weird not having a ring on my finger, some days I look for it because I forget. I spent eleven years of my life wearing a ring with Brian and before that I was married and wore a ring on my finger for ten years. Twenty-one years later my left ring finger is bare and it feels extremely naked. At the same time, it is freeing and allowing me to close a chapter of my life that has ended. I now have transferred my ring to the pendant necklace with his ashes, keeping them together as a daily reminder of our life together.

Some days are a little harder than others. Last night I was skating and holding the pendant tight, I got lost in thought and memories and my mood immediately changed. My 11 year old friend, Alyssa, noticed that I was lost and asked if I was tired, I just agreed. I don't need to explain to everyone where I go in my head. Some of the neighborhoods I get lost in beat me up. I was there for a little while last night and I have been lost again today. I hide in the shadows, remembering the good times but also the bad. I tend to dwell on the bad lately, thinking about how much pain I was in for quite a few years. Damage was done, some of it was irreversible. I grieved for a long time before Brian passed away. Anyone who was very close with me before his death can tell you that I cried everyday. I couldn't get him to see doctors to correct his health issues and ultimately this led to his death. Sometimes I blame myself for not doing more and then reality sets in and I realize that I did everything I could to help Brian. You cannot change people or make them do things they don't want to do.

Brian had a series of heart attacks the night he died. The doctor came out to explain to me that his heart was extremely weak and they weren't sure what was going to happen. He was alive and breathing, but on a ventilator and his pulse was very low. About 30 minutes later, he had another massive heart attack and passed. I didn't get to see him before he passed away and sat crying for I don't know how long in the hospital hallway while everyone there tried to comfort me. I wouldn't let anyone near me as I sobbed on the floor. I didn't want to be touched or talked to. There was nothing anyone could say or do that could make me feel better. I have looked back at that sad night so many times with tears in my eyes, just like I have right now typing this.

I've only told a handful of people this: I think Brian let go that night. I think he was tired of fighting his demons and dealing with the "body of a 90 year old" (his words). I think he knew how much he was hurting me for a long time and leaving this Earth was his way of stopping that. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy and I think he knew the only way that could happen was by letting go. I would have never left him, no matter what, I was his ride or die chick. I would have done anything for him and I always did. Thinking about his death this way is what I truly believe has helped me move on and do the things that needed to be done to move forward. He is no longer in pain and neither am I. All of the changes I have made for myself since his death have been in his honor, for him, to show him that I respect his wishes and that I am learning to be happy again. One day, we will meet again and I hope that he will be proud of everything I have accomplished and continue to work toward each and everyday.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Broken Pieces & Boundaries...

A little over a month ago, I felt like my life was imploding. I was overwhelmed with stress from all aspects of my life. Work, relationships, working out, skating, everything was causing me stress and it felt like I was burning the candle from both ends. Over and over again I have repeated the words Brian said to me, "God has plan" but it didn't seem to help because I was losing faith in Him and myself. The day I finally broke and was hysterically crying for hours, I spoke with my sister-in-law Jessica when I got to work. 

I sat at my desk crying to Jess about how my life was falling apart. I explained to her that I felt like a broken piece of pottery, but that I had been broken and put back together so many times I wasn't sure if I could piece myself together anymore. Jessica immediately had a response and used my own words to encourage me. She said, "You know what you're going to do? You're going to take all those pieces and smash them up. Then out of that dust, you are going to rise like a phoenix and become something new." In the moment, I couldn't see that happening and responded with, "I don't know if I can do that." Jessica said, "You already have and you'll do it again." I just cried even more. 

A few days later, I was able to recollect myself and do what was needed to correct the situations I was in. That was only after speaking with my other sister-in-law Jenna. We were on the phone talking about everything that was going on and the Serenity Prayer came out of my mouth. It hit me in that moment! "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference." As I was saying this, I realized I needed to focus on the things I could change, the things I had control over and stop focusing on the things I couldn't. This meant I would need to make some changes and really dig deep down inside to find the courage I had lost. Sometimes talking to the people closet to me really enlightens my situations, good or bad. Both Jessica and Jenna helped me and continue to help me each and every day.

I've had to make some changes not only with my work, but in my personal life as well. When Brian and I first started dating, he told me that he was going to cut anything that caused undue stress out of his life. This meant that if it was not a "normal" source of stress, it would no longer be a part of his life. He even said that if I caused this type of stress, I would get cut out too. It hurt when he said that, but you know what? He was right. Other people shouldn't cause issues in your life, friends and family should get along and have fun, not cause each other pain and suffering. I allowed myself to get wrapped up in other people and their problems. Unfortunately, I've had to sort of cut myself out of this. I cannot allow the happiness I have been enjoying to be ripped away by others, to lose myself because of another human being. I will not change who I am for ANYONE, NO ONE. 
 

I had set boundaries and allowed those lines to be crossed. I have been choosing myself for a year now, not allowing anyone to interfere with my goals and aspirations. Somehow over a few months, I went back to people pleasing and it tore me apart from the inside out. I was angry almost everyday for a month and it ultimately led to what amounts to a nervous breakdown. Yesterday, I found this boundaries poem or quote, whatever you'd like to call it. It made me realize what I have been changing over the past month. I am doing everything that is described again. I love myself enough to honor my boundaries. One thing I have said to many people is that my personality has been shining through for months now. I am extremely comfortable with myself and just being me, goofy & silly and serious & professional when I need to be. If someone doesn't like who I am as a person, they don't need to be a part of my life. I may seem selfish at times, but it's for my own happiness. I will not sacrifice anything I am doing for others anymore. I have not formed any walls, just lines that cannot and will not be crossed. I don't like being out of control of my feelings and the only way to protect myself is by having these boundaries.

I have been through hell and back many times in my life, I have risen from the fire and ashes only to have a new flame ignited each time. I have made peace with the broken pieces of my life and continue to move forward healing the scars of the past. Friends and family are helping me along the way, supporting me and encouraging me, but I have found that the only person who can make me whole again is myself.
 

"Don't dream it, be it."