Picking myself up, everyday...

This week has been an emotionally draining week, so much that I skipped the gym to lift twice to sleep in and recover. June 20th, 2017 was the day Brian broke his foot. I awoke on that day this year to anxiety. I realized what was happening when I got to work and was cleaning and organizing everything and anything I could. When I feel anxious, cleaning is usually what I start doing because it's something that I can control and seems to help ease overwhelming feeling of panic that I have. Years ago, Brian pointed out that every time I was having a problem I would start cleaning and organizing. Now I pay attention to my actions and when this starts happening, I try to stop and think about what is causing the anxiety. It helps to recognize the root of the problem so that I can get through the roller coaster of emotions.

Not everything this week was bad. June 20th, 2018 started out anxiety and anger ridden, but ended with a feeling of great accomplishment. Wednesday's are my days for skating lessons. I got to the rink and my coach Diana could see I was not myself. I let her know I was having a bad day and I would be fine after I started skating. We went over my one foot rolls, scissors, skating the opposite direction and then began focusing on backward skating. It would be the 2nd week of practicing backwards. By the end of our session, I was getting more comfortable, but still not keeping proper form because it's just so WEIRD lol. There is a group lesson after my session and the kids were arriving to start class. I had helped a 4 year old little girl the week before and promised her I would skate again during class this week.

I skated off the rink over to her and asked if she wanted to skate with me again, kids can change their minds so quickly. She agreed and once her mother got her skates on her tiny little feet, I took her hand and marched off onto the rink with her. We practiced marching around to get her comfortable on her skates. I don't know how many times we went around, but I kept talking to her and trying to get her to let go of my hand but she was scared. I allowed her to hold my hand for as long as she needed. We marched for 5 steps and then rolled along. The coach had us all line up against the wall about 30 minutes into the lesson and then gave everyone a skill to practice. I was to take my little friend over to a circle on the rink and march around the circle with her. Surprisingly, the little girl let go of my hand as we marched over to the circle! She marched around the circle, marching and rolling and we changed directions, she was doing so well. I encouraged and congratulated her for doing it all by herself. By then end of the session her smile was wide and her parents were grateful, so was my coach. I had gotten this little girl to do something she was unable to do for weeks. That made me feel proud. I don't even know how I did it.

After the session ended, I ate my dinner and asked John (a ref) if he could put my new bearings in my skates. He agreed and while he was working on them, I was dancing around and laughing with another friend, Alyssa who is 11. The Cupid Shuffle came on and I had her live video me dancing to it in front of the skate rental. My skates were finished, I got out on the rink and felt the difference in the speed and stability with my new bearings. It makes such a difference. I skated around for about and hour before they kicked us off the rink to do backward skate. That was interesting. I went out because I need to practice and stayed close to the wall. I made it around scissoring backward two times! TWO. That's a first for me. The DJ stopped us and said we were going to to backward skate in the reverse direction. I was talking to myself, "Wait, WHAT? I have to do this again but the wrong direction?!" I shrugged and said, "Whatever, I'm supposed to practice." Turned around and starting skating again. I got about half way around when I looked up and an older gentleman was skating in a diagonal line toward me. I screamed "I'm behind you!", but this guy was so into the skate and his dancing that before I knew it, his right tricep was greeting my left jawline and I was falling forward onto the ground. A few people were rushing over to check on me and I kept saying I was fine, I just was to finish skating. This man, Ray, apologized and then grabbed both of my hands as I started to skate backward again talking to me. He kept saying he was sorry and I said it was fine. Backward skate ended and we turned around and talked for another few minutes. I learned he was visiting a friend in the area and that he was from upstate New York. He wanted a picture with me before the night was over.

I continued to skate, catching up with some of the people I have met over the past few months. One of them is Spoon, he and his son are amazing freestyle skaters. I like skating with Spoon because I get to skate with someone who looks like the are literally floating along on the rink. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I was, that I could take a punch. He kept seeing me balance on one foot and said that I am getting better. Every time I get a compliment I feel embarrassed. I'm not sure if it's because I don't feel like I am doing well or if it's because people are noticing me. I took a break after that and of course, one of my favorite songs comes on and they used it for the Shuffle Skate. I was sitting with Alyssa's mom and said that it sucked this song was for shuffling because I'm not good at it. She told me to get out there and practice, keep up with the ladies. I told her I couldn't do what they do and she said who cares, just stay with them and watch and do what you can. I listened to her and got out there trying to keep up with them. I couldn't, so I just started doing what I knew how to do by myself. It felt good to be out there practicing, even if I'm not as good as everyone else. I can so some things and that's enough for now.

When I get to the skating rink, the outside world disappears, I usually forget about my life outside of that building. I get lost. All of my anxiety and troubles seem to just fade away. I have fun and just melt away into the music and skate. I am so happy that I decided to go back to that rink by myself. I don't think I have been this happy in a very long time. Earlier, while Alyssa was live videoing, a friend named Andrew commented on the video. She asked me after, "Who's Andrew?" with a devilish smile and laugh. I said he was someone I've known for a long time an he used to work for me. She then said, "mmmh, hmmm." I told her it's not like that, he's very young and just a friend, I then said, "I don't want a boyfriend, I'm dating myself." She responded with, "Awww, you're lonely!" and gave me a hug. I said by no means am I lonely! I have friends and I have myself. I am very happy and I love everyday of my life and have fun every single day. This is the truth. It may be difficult for an 11 year old to understand this. I am at peace with myself and my circumstances.

I am trying to live my best life everyday, even if it's without the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"Don't dream it, be it."

The Circle of Life...

Yesterday afternoon evening I took my weekly trek to Jackson Skating Center. So many interesting things happened yesterday evening. I had my lesson with my coach, Diana, around 4:30 and was able to more with my new wheels. I’ve been practicing every chance I get. I always take a break to eat dinner at about 5:30. There is a learn to skate class that starts at that time.

When I put my skates back on, I went out to practice balancing on my right foot going around circles painted on the floor, it’s more difficult for me because it’s the “wrong way”. I’m having a hard time skating the opposite way of what is normally done on the rink during open skate. I did this for about 20 minutes, while the group in class was practicing their skills. She still hasn't learned how to march on the rink. I was watching the coach hold her hand, trying to keep her marching, but she just kept crying. There was a young child, 4 years old, who kept crying and saying to her mother she didn’t want to skate. Diana had everyone line up and this girl was still crying. She went off to be by her mother who kept encouraging her to keep trying. Just before the class was ending she was back on the rink crying again, she kept making eye contact with me. Diana was trying to calm this little girl down and one of the helpers too.  I skated over to her and told her I would skate with her. For some reason, this child agreed.  We marched from one side of the rink to the other, me talking to her and saying, "March, 1 2 3 4 5 and roll." She started to smile and was beginning to repeat what I was saying. The lesson ended, open skate started and I brought her around the rink one time, marching the whole way. I took her over to her mother who was thankful and talked to her. I asked the girl if she wanted to skate with me again next week during her lesson and her face lit up with a huge smile and she said, "YES!" I told her I would be there and we could practice together. Both the girl and her mother thanked me.

My coach asked what I did to get her to start skating. I honestly don't know. It was just a feeling I had, the eye contact, something inside of me said I should help her. When I was getting ready to go back out on the rink, the coach and I were watching a young couple skating. The teenage girl looked like Bambi, her legs wide, leaning forward, she was going to fall. Diana wanted to help her. She waved them over to the wall and start explaining how to start skating. My coach looked at me and said, "Show her what I'm talking about." I looked at her and thought, "ME? I suck." I didn't say this out loud, I just listened to her and got on the rink and started to show this young lady how to march and roll. It just so happened the girl was in marching band! So she understood what she had to do. I stayed with her around the rink a couple of times until she got the hang of it and then told her to keep practicing. Every time I saw her the rest of the night, she was doing better and I encouraged and complimented her. She would get a big smile on her face and say, "THANK YOU!"

Later in the evening, I took a break to grab a drink. I left my skate bag with some people I made friends with over the past month. There was a new family sitting with them and the daughter was crying. Everyone was trying to encourage her to get back out on the rink. This girl actually fell a few months before and broke her wrist skating. She was terrified to be out by herself. Again, I offered to help. It took a few minutes, but I got her to go out with me. I grabbed her hand as we stepped onto the rink and we started to march around, she was gripping my hand so tight I think I was losing circulation in my hand! I kept looking at her face and she still had tears in her eyes and such a terrified look. She was biting her lip, her face was tight and scrunched up. I kept telling her I was there with her and wouldn't let her fall. I said she look so unhappy, I said you should be smiling you made it around the rink so many times without falling! Then I asked her if she was breathing, because if she wasn't she would pass out and that would definitely make her fall. That finally made her laugh. She relaxed a little bit, just a little and was doing really well. A country song came on and I told her there was no way I could skate to the song, so we went off to take a break. She was smiling and thanked me for going out with her. I skated with her again later and she eventually went out by herself.

I am not that great, but I love roller skating so much that I want other people to enjoy it too. I invite everyone I know to join me. Very few people actually do, but that's ok. It's exciting to know that I can meet random strangers in the rink make new friends through helping them. From the time I was 4 years old to about 16 years old, my dream was to be a teacher. When I got into high school, I realized I didn't want to be a "school" educator and my path in life changed. 12 years ago, I fell in love with exercise and took the leap to be a personal trainer, which led to owning a supplement store and now adding roller skating to my exercise routine. Somehow, God has directed me back to what my childhood aspiration was, educating. I may not be teaching English, math or science like I thought as a child, but I am passing on my knowledge of fitness and supplementation. As I said in my last blog post, it's strange to see how things in life come full circle.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Bones...

Brian's Tattoos

It's very interesting to see how things in life come full circle. When Brian and I first started dating, we talked about the tattoos he had. On his left arm was one of his first tattoos, it said "Bones" with a skull and crossbones. He said he got it because it was his nickname from skateboarding as a teenager, that was the extent of the explanation. I never asked much more about it the nickname and he never brought it up after that.

Fast forward to this past week...
I am still learning about all of the roller skating stuff. I am using quad skates and in my search on Amazon to purchase the wheels, some of them were listed for skateboarding. I purchased an 8 pack of Radar Zen 85A wheels. They are the ones I borrowed from John to try out and absolutely love right now. I didn't think about the bearings because there were bearings in my old wheels. Friday night, my new wheels were put on with my stock bearings and I noticed the ride on the wheels wasn't as smooth as the borrowed ones. I asked John what bearings he had in his. He said Redz. I responded asking what to search for so I could purchase the new bearings and he said, "Bones Redz."

I was looking for the bearings on Sunday. It started to hit me that I was searching for BONES Redz. Again, skateboarding was listed for the bearings. The logo for the Bones company was the tattoo Brian had on his arm. I actually started to cry a little, I was purchasing bearings that Brian was using on his skateboard when he was a kid. It's crazy to think that if he were here with me now Brian would have been able to help me so much with roller skating. His knowledge of skateboards would have converted to my roller skates. I don't know if I would have been able to get him on skates, maybe lol. He would have 100% backed me in my new passion and I know he is supporting me through his spirit regardless. 

As the 1st anniversary of Brian's death is fast approaching, it feels like he is speaking to me more and more. I am trying to do my best to move forward in my life while preserving the memory of the life I had with Brian. There is a saying, "If you believe, signs turn up everywhere."and  I get signs from Brian in the weirdest ways. Buying bearings for my roller skates seems to be a sign from him, telling me that I am doing something right and that he approves. I only hope that my perception of things that happen are real and not my imagination.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Adventures in Wonderland...

I deal with the same questions on a regular basis:
"What can I take to get me big?"
"What can I take to help me lose some weight?"
"What kind of exercises can I do to get rid of my stomach?"
"Is there something I can do to make THIS (points to a part of the body) go away?"

Unfortunately, society has trained us to look for the easy way out of things, eating, losing weight, gaining muscle, exercising...it doesn't matter what aspect of our life, there are solutions to make everything EASIER. The sad thing is that these things are not making our lives easier...they really make our lives HARDER. All of the conveniences that we have become accustom to have actually made us lazy as a society. Having a car to get everywhere has made us less active, to the point people will drive around a parking lot for 15-20 minutes to park close to the front door of a store instead of just parking further away and walking. Food is already made so all we have to do is heat it up, when it only takes about 30 minutes to cook fresh homemade meals from scratch. 

There are Alice in Wonderland products advertised everywhere that will make you put on muscle or lose body fat. Honestly, this isn't Through The Looking Glass and there is no drink, pill, wafer or anything for that matter that will make you gain muscle or lose body fat. Even the things out there that do work aren't a magical solution, you need to eat right and exercise to reap the benefits. In the Wonderland story, Alice is pretty reckless trying things that she has no clue as to what they will really do to her. Many people do this every day with supplements and diets. The biggest mistake I see people make is not tracking their food or training properly or at all. For most, they have convinced themselves they know what a portion size is and think that it is correct. Without weighing and measuring the food you will never have accuracy. Without tracking calories burned or weights lifted every week, no accuracy. Logging your meals and training is an important part of your health and fitness. It's a great way to really see what is happening overall. 

I tell people every day, if you are trying to put muscle on or lose weight IT'S SCIENCE. Being in a caloric surplus or deficit of 500-1000 calories from your daily intake for maintenance weight is the healthy way to reach your goals and maintain them. It's not just about how many calories you are eating or how much you are burning...it's also about the BALANCE and QUALITY of both the calories AND the training. Eating whole foods that are minimally processed, balanced nutrition at each meal and supplementing where needed is truly the only way. It's very simple and the solution is always right in front of people. Through social media, advertising and bro science the general public has been convinced that if you just cut corners with this or that you will arrive at your destination in no time. You could try to join the rest of the world with instant gratification, but think about it. Will you truly be winning in the end? 
 
Remember the story about the tortoise and the hare? Slow and steady wins the race, keep plugging away because in the end you will be victorious. 

"Don't dream it, be it."

To Get Lost Is To Learn The Way...

I have have completely fallen in love...with ROLLER SKATING. I skate 3 days a week for about 11 hours. I hired a coach, Diana, who is an amazingly patient person. I hired her to help me because I want to learn the proper way to do things and I seriously want to shuffle skate! She meets with me once a week to teach me the basics and go over my form. We get along so well and has become a friend in the short time I have known her. Diana believes in me and has helped me with my confidence on the rink.

Last night I attended Adult Skate night at Jackson Skating Rink, it's an event that happens once a month. I thought the event started at 6 PM...it actually started at 6:30 PM so I was 20 minutes early. When I got inside, Diana was there with one of her world class skaters finishing up a lesson. Diana introduced me to the young lady, Lacey, who was doing some amazing things on skates. Out on the rink, she was rolling around like a figure skater you would see on ice. I am blown away at what people can do on wheels. Lacey and I spoke for a little bit and I hope to get to see her again and watch her practice her routine.

Diana and I had a conversation about my skates before I laced up, I think I need new wheels because they are designed more for derby than shuffling. The wheels I have right now are wider and they are also a little harder so there isn't much grip on them. I bought speed skates, so they are designed for speed. We tried to switch my wheels out with a pair she had in her office, but the axles weren't the same size sooooo....it didn't work. I told her it wasn't big deal and I would get it figured out. I said goodbye and laced my skates up so I could get out on the rink.

About an hour after I started skating, John waved me over to the side. John has been very welcoming since I started skating. He works at the rink and is usually out on the floor as a ref. I skated off the rink and went to speak with him. John started to tell me I am never going to learn how to shuffle if I don't start bouncing. I argued with him that I couldn't, I felt like I was going to fall. He said I wasn't going to, to just start doing it. John also said I looked stiff again and that I was "just skating, you need to go out there and get lost in the music. Forget about life and everything that is bothering you and just SKATE." UGH! He's trying to help, lol, but I am so scared to fall and break something.

I saw another person I've become friends with, Spoon. Spoon is an insanely good skater, I've been watching him every time he comes to open skate. He and I started talking a few weeks ago and now I skate around with him. Before I went back out on the rink, I went over to him and asked if he would try to help me learn how to bounce. He agreed and we skated out onto the rink. I was bouncing as I was rolling, but having a hard time bouncing while I was actually skating. After a few minutes, Spoon went off on his own and I kept rolling around trying to bounce. I probably looked so stupid, but I don't care I am trying to learn. A few minutes later, John was skating next to me. He started to tell me that he wished he could have videoed me while one of my favorite songs was on, he said I was singing and bouncing and didn't even realize it. I laughed at him. He kept telling me that when I'm not paying attention, I am a completely different skater. 

I tried to get lost in the music after that. It's hard to do when songs I don't like or don't know are playing. But I focused and pretty soon, music that I absolutely LOVE started to be played. I was bouncing and singing! By the end of the night I was shaking my hips and even trying to get some of the employees who were out on the rink with me to twerk! I was actually TWERKING ON ROLLER SKATES, not sure how graceful it was...but I was trying HAHA. I stayed much later than I thought, they didn't kick us off the rink until after 9:30. It's hard to stop skating when I'm having so much fun. 

I am learning very quickly that to get lost is to learn the way.

"Don't dream it, be it."

A Look In The Mirror...

This afternoon I decided to take myself over to Kohl's to buy some shorts for the summer. I always have anxiety going shopping, I HATE IT. Clothes shopping is my least favorite thing to do. The whole reason I started a fitness journey was because of a trip to Fashion Bug Labor Day weekend in 2004. I was trying on all different styles of shirts and absolutely nothing fit me the way it should. I walked out of the store that day with tears running down my face and made a decision to change my life.

I vividly remember the last time I went shopping for shorts. It was in August of 2015. Friends were coming up from Florida to visit and Brian & I planned on taking them to Atlantic City. I didn't want to walk around on the boardwalk in pants in the middle of August, so we took a trip over to Kohl's. Brian kept picking shorts out for me to try on and asked my size. I honestly didn't even know what to tell him. I grabbed a few pairs of shorts to try on and once again was having a panic attack. 

I walked out of the dressing room disappointed in myself. Brian saw the look on my face and asked what was wrong. I answered him, "Nothing fits, I need a bigger size." As we went back over to the racks to find the correct size, we were both squatting down sifting through the shorts. I began to cry uncontrollably. I had gone up 2 pants sizes in a year and everything I had worked for was destroyed in my mind. Brian looked at me and softly said, "Pumpkin, it's ok. You aren't the same size you were when we first started dating. You've come a long way from where you started. You know what you need to do to drop a little weight and I will help you start doing that if it's bothering you that much." HOW I MISS HIM!

Today, I walked into the store with confidence, knowing that no matter what size I am right now I am working on changing it. I know that as I opened the door to step inside, Brian was walking right beside me. I was able to purchase shorts without a mental breakdown today. "Self-care is how you take your power back." I am taking control of my life and taking care of myself. I am alive, I am surviving and I am thriving.

"Don't dream it, be it."