Forgiveness...

Have you ever had a cut and picked at the scab again and again? That's what it's feels like to harbor feelings of anger, resentment and revenge. Every time you pick at that scab it hurts, it bleeds and tries to heal until you rip it off again. The more you pick at it, the longer it takes to go away and the more it hurts and sometimes the bigger it gets. When it finally does heal, there is usually a scar. That's what it's feels like to never forgive someone.

I used to have a hard time forgiving people for wrongs that may have been done. I held grudges, wanted revenge, even made plans to get revenge on people. I used so much of my energy dwelling on past events, replaying the tape over and over causing more anger and resentment. Do you know what that can do to your soul? It makes you bitter, it eats you alive from the inside out. I believe in God and Karma. I think what you put out in the universe does come back to you, good or bad. Through the Al-Anon program, church and Brian (God rest his soul), I have been able to "Let go and let God." There have been some many occasions over the years where someone has bad mouthed the store, Brian or me or have done something to injure my very soul. I would get upset, saying it wasn't right and we should do something about it. Brian's response was always, "Let it go." That statement would make me so mad, sometimes to the point we would argue about it. He'd sit me down and have a rational conversation with me about how trying to get back at someone wasn't going to help us. By the time the talk ended, Brian would have knocked some sense into me. I'd let the issue go and in time, God/Karma would take care of the person. Why was Brian ALWAYS RIGHT?

The older I get, the more I realize how short life is. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. Family, friends and my life partner have all been taken from me. There are sayings out there like "YOLO" & "Life is short to be anything but happy". I never fully comprehended this until last year. I made a decision in August of 2017 to start living life, before that I had just been existing. Before I could do that I had to forgive God for taking so much from me. I also needed to ask for forgiveness for being selfish and not thanking Him for blessing me with so much.

I believe in the Bible and Jesus Christ, I believe that He was sent to make the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. With this belief, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." I understand that Jesus Christ was sent to this world to cleanse us for the sins we have committed, providing the ultimate form of forgiveness. I have forgiven many people in my life by praying, I have repented for bearing feelings of resentment and asked God to help these people in their lives. Two wrongs don't make a right and being angry toward another person or people only hurts you in the long run. It allows these people to continue to have control over your life even if they aren't a part of it anymore. I have learned it is better to let go and let God take care of it than to brood over sins committed against you. I have compassion and empathy for these people knowing that they too have been broken in their lives and it may be why they hurt me. The more I practice this, the happier I am and it is easier to live my life free from the chains I place upon myself.

"Don't dream it, be it."

I Complete Me.

A few days ago, I decided to join a challenge put forth by GCode Nutrition. It's titled #40Daysx40Nights. The idea behind the challenge is to choose to improve some aspect of your life for 40 days and 40 nights. There are so many different ways to do this. I started to think about what I could choose to improve on. I have already been working on my physical health by exercising and changing my diet for the past two months. I didn't want to include this as part of the challenge. I started to think about what I could choose to work on more. What could I choose to work on to make my life better?

I had been reading over blog posts from 4 and 5 years ago. One post seemed to be screaming at me. It was about being afraid to take care of myself. I learned 12 years ago that I was codependent, always taking care of and supporting my ex-husband. That was even how my relationship with Brian began, he's the one who pointed out the character defect. It took a few years, but I learned to detach with love and not continually put all of my energy into taking care of others before I took care of myself. Then things slowly changed...I began backslide into old habits. The stress of life took over and I was once again putting others needs and wants ahead of my own. This led to falling off track in many aspects of my life which honestly made me miserable and depressed.

After losing Brian last year, I got into a relationship. Some thought it was too early but I didn't care. I felt it was a good decision and I knew even if it wasn't I had to make my own mistakes. The relationship didn't last long, only two months, but I learned a lot about myself during that time. I was losing myself pretty quickly, staying up late to talk or text, missing the gym because of lack of sleep, eating off plan to spend time with this person and focusing on making them happy. I was getting angry and snapping at things again. After the breakup, I realized I had let this person consume my life and allowed them to stop me from doing things I wanted to do. I was unable to take care of myself physically and emotionally because I was taking care of them.

When I was 17 years old, I started dating my ex-husband and was married to him 9 months later. 9 years later I left my husband and started dating Brian. I spent 21 years of my life in a relationship. I've never really experienced anything by myself. I don't regret this, as a matter of fact, I thank God for it. Getting married at an early age probably saved me from doing a lot of stupid things, I can be reckless sometimes. The more I thought about how much of my life was spent attached to another person, the more I thought about how I need to be alone. I need to start taking care of myself and experience life with just me.

For the next 40 days and 40 nights I have chosen to do something each and every day to give myself the mental TLC that is needed. Physically, I am getting my workouts in, my diet is in check, I allow myself one cheat meal a week, I have been roller skating 3 days a week and all of these things make me happy and keep me sane. For my mental health, I have decided to try to get a massage at least once a month and added in meditation to help ease the stress of every day life. I have been reading a lot too. I'm sure as the challenge progresses, I will find other activities to help with my mental health.

As far as a relationship goes, ehhh. I am not looking. I am choosing to date myself for awhile. I've got enough going on in my life and I am genuinely happy. I actually like being alone, I feel free. I don't have to tell anyone where I am, where I'm going, what I am doing, when I'm coming home, no texts or calls asking why I am late...essentially no one is up my ass. This allows me to focus on myself and not worry if I am going to piss someone off for it. I don't have to sacrifice any aspect of my life to appease another person. The only person I have to worry about for the first time in 22 years is ME.

I can look in the mirror today and say to MYSELF that famous line from the movie Jerry Maguire: "I love you. You complete me."

"Don't dream it, be it."

Keep Moving Forward....

Some days are harder than others. The past few weeks have been hard, yet somehow I manage to wake up and go through each day as difficult as it is. Daily reminders are everywhere of who is missing.  My house, the store, grocery shopping, the missing texts, watching television shows and even the gym are consistent flashbacks of times that were and will never be again.

This month last year started a downward spiral that led to me losing the one person I never imagined I’d have to live without. Memories are flooding my mind like a tsunami breaking shore. I don’t think I have gone one day since June 30, 2017 without crying. I hide this from everyone because I don’t want to make anyone else upset. This evening isn’t any different. As I lay here in my bedroom, thinking about how much I need to go sleep, my mind is racing through memories of the past. I need to breathe, relax and think about all of the positive in my life. I am here, the store is here, I have a great support system and I am doing things that I enjoy everyday.

I have been living my life using a code that was taught to me 12 years ago, one day at a time...sometimes one second at a time. “This too shall pass.” There is truth to that. Even though I feel broken sometimes, I know that I need to pick up the pieces and put them back together. One of the last text messages Brian sent before he passed was to the owner of GCode Nutriton. Greg has become a good friend and a person I respect. Brian was messaging him about his company and how great he was doing. Brian also had just broken his foot the week before. His text read, “KEEP MOVIN FORWARD. Even if I’m draggin one leg behind.”

Tonight, in the darkness of my bedroom, feeling tired from work and working out and roller skating, I am hearing Brian’s voice wishpering in my ear, “KEEP MOVIN FORWARD pumpkin, even if I’m draggin one leg behind.” Brian, you are my strength and what motivates me from the great beyond. You are forever in my heart, I will continue to make you proud.

“Don’t dream it, be it.”

Roller Skating!

Jess, Jen, Jenna & I

A little over 3 weeks ago, I asked a few friends to go out to dinner and roller skate in Jackson, NJ.  Little did I know that would turn into a new obsession with fitness for me. Jessica, Jenna and Jen joined me on a Saturday evening.  After having dinner at my favorite Asian restaurant, we headed over the Jackson Skating Center.  We got on line, rented out skates and rolled around the rink for 2 hours.  We had so much fun, even though Jess and Jenna ate it pretty hard on the rink.  We watched some of the regulars dancing on their skates and moving around the rink effortlessly.  I was completely impressed by their talent.  I found out they were doing something called "shuffle skating".

One of the "refs" kept telling us we should come back for adult night.  Unfortunately, adult night is once a month event on a Tuesday evening and by the time I get out of work, I wouldn't be able to get there.  That got me thinking...I could go on another night when there was open skate.  That Monday, I was looking at the schedule and made the decision to venture back to Jackson on Wednesday by myself.  It worked with my schedule.  Wednesday came and I was excited to get in my truck and drive 40 minutes away to try skating again.  When I arrived at the rink, I was a little nervous for many reasons: 
#1 I was by myself at a place I didn't know anyone 
#2 I haven't REALLY roller skated since I was about 14 
#3 I don't know what the hell I am doing!

Regardless, I paid to get in and rent skates.  I inquired about lessons immediately and got the name of a coach.  I then went to the skate rental booth, got my skates, I laced up, took a deep breath and made my way onto the rink.  My legs were shaking as I skated around slowly, concentrating on my form and balance.  I think I went around 2 times before the same "ref" who invited me to adult night came around to me.  He kinda of laughed and said, "You look nervous."  I said, "Ya think?".  He started to ask me what my biggest fear was and I said, "Falling on my ass."  His response was very kind and helpful, telling me I need to relax (sure easy for you to say!), keep my knees bent, try not to focus too much, if I was going to fall bend my knees more and put my hands on my legs.  Solid advice, BUT when you're deathly afraid of falling and breaking something...it's not what you are focusing on.  He had overheard me asking about lessons and said he didn't think I really needed them.  That made me feel more comfortable.  Needless to say, I started to loosen up a little and get more comfortable.  I skated that night for over 2 hours and started to fall in love with this new form of exercise.

I returned to the rink on Friday that week.  Friday nights open skate is from 7:30 PM - 11 PM.  I skated for 3 hours without even realizing I was out there for that long!  When I returned my skates, I made the decision that I wanted to own a pair for myself.  Rental skates aren't the greatest and even if I was only going to skate once a week, having my own would be better in the long run.  I went to the manager and purchased a pair of black (of course) Riedell speed skates.  These were recommended because I said I wanted to learn how to shuffle skate.  My skates were not in stock, so it would be about 2 weeks before I got them.

Over the next 2 weeks, I went to the rink every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday evening to practice.  The same ref who was "helping" me my first night alone continued to encourage me and tell me I was getting better.  I was so excited.  I kept thinking, "I am making progress and that is really good."  Last week, I asked Jessica if she would come in for a few hours on Tuesday evening so I could go skating on adult night.  She did!  And I was able to go and skate without the little kids I had become extremely afraid of.  I met a few people who had been skating for 40 years!  They were helpful and encouraging.  One man told me I had good balance.  I am so critical of myself, I am watching all of these people do things I am not capable of and beating myself up only to realize all of the have been doing this a hell of a lot longer that I have.  The biggest thing every experienced skater has told me is that I need to relax.  Ummmm, do you know me?  I am not that good at relaxing and you want me to relax while I have 8 wheels on my feet trying to move around in a circle on a wood floor without losing my balance and falling on my ass???????????  How was I going to do that?  

My New Skates!

Wednesday night I arrived at the rink and guess what?  My skates came in.  I was so excited, I haven't felt that happy in a very long time.  The manager handed me the box and explained I may need to make some adjustments.  I don't know anything about roller skates at all, so I was going to need help.  The staff at Jackson Skating Center has been very helpful.  I laced up and got on the rink.  The new skates felt so much better, less bulky, faster and easier to maneuver around.  I did need to tighten the trucks up a little bit. I skated for an hour and a half WITHOUT STOPPING!  That whole relaxing thing wasn't happening too much though.  The "ref" (who's name is John I found out) came up to me on the rink about 10 minutes before they were going to close.  He started a conversation and we rolled around the rink.  After about 5 minutes, I realized that I was doing much better.  I turned to him and said, "This is much easier to do talking to you."  He responded, "That's why I am talking to you." And he laughed.  I wasn't focusing on what I was doing and I was relaxing.

Friday night! I arrived at the skating rink.  I brought my headphones, I had a thought.  Maybe if I listened to music I liked, I wouldn't concentrate on what I was doing as much.  It worked.  I skated for 2 hours straight, weaving in and out of the kids I avoided for the past 2 weeks.  I was gaining speed, balancing better and just having fun singing to myself.  I passed John on the rink and said, "This is so much easier with good music!"  He told me I was a completely different skater with it.  Proud moment for me.  I was doing really good!
 
This past Monday, I gave the roller skating coach a call to set up a private lesson.  I was scheduled for 4:15ish on Wednesday.  I am so excited about my roller skating lesson. I met the instructor for the first time and she corrected a couple of things I was doing wrong. I told Diana (the coach), that I wanted to learn crossovers and ultimately shuffle skate.  She had me rolling and balancing on one leg.  I was not doing so good the first few times, but as I skated around the rink more, finding my center of balance and lifting one leg at a time as I was rolling, it started to get easier and easier.  I turned to her and said, "You're prepping me for crossovers."  She laughed at me!  I was right though.

I met a two young girls who are doing acroskating, it's like figure ice skating but on roller skates! They skated around with me and were helping keep my mind off of what I was doing. My appointment was before the little kid class and I was allowed to stay on the rink and I practiced some of the things Coach Diana went over with me.  I took a break after about 2 hours of being there to eat my dinner, I have been ordering my meals from Coronatos Clean Cuisine.  The manager of the rink was kind enough to let me bring my meal inside instead of eating in my truck.  I sat with one of the acroskating girls, getting to know her.  She is a sweet 17 year girl who is already in college and has a heart condition.  I enjoyed my conversation and when I finished eating, I laced my skates back up and got back out on the rink.  She joined me to help me practicing, giving me some tips and talking again.

I am a sweaty mess

I skated Wednesday night for about 4 out of the 5 hours I was at the rink.  It's the longest amount of time I have spent out there.  Roller skating at the age of 39 is definitely not something I would have thought I'd be doing.  The reality is, I have gotten back on a good routine of weightlifting, spinning, sleeping and eating.  6 weeks ago, I was trying to add extra cardio into my plan but I couldn't bring myself back to the gym to do it.  I have a limited amount of time in the mornings to workout and at the end of the day I was not motivated to go back there to use the cardio equipment.  I didn't want to cut my calories back to offset my diet plan.  I was at a loss and I knew I needed to either do more exercise or eat a little less.  Roller skating has allowed me to get extra exercise, be around new people and make friends AND HAVE FUN.   

Adam, Jess, Jenna, Alyssa, Kaeli & I

I spend 3 nights a week driving to Jackson to do something I am quickly falling in love with.  There is a cool subculture associated with roller skating.  The people who are regulars are very friendly and helpful.  It seems like they want you to enjoy the sport as much as they do and will help in whatever way they can.  I am determined to shuffle skate by the end of the summer.  I might even venture to a couple of skating rinks in Camden and Newark on the recommendation of people I have been talking to.  The bottom line is I have found a new way to do cardio and have a lot of fun.  You should join me one night.  Who knows, maybe you'll fall in love with skating like I have.

"Don't dream it, be it."