Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving has always been a time for people to reflect on their lives and be appreciative of the people and things that they have in their lives. Honestly, holidays have never been a huge focus in my life. Brian & I never celebrated Thanksgiving. Our day consisted of getting up, going to the gym, coming home to get showered, some years visiting some family and it was my day to set up our Christmas tree and decorate. It is also the day that I spend finalizing Black Friday and Small Business Saturday sales and posts for the store. This year I will be doing this alone. I am not afraid of this, I am grateful for it. That may sound harsh, but look at it from my view. I wouldn't be able to doing any of those things the same way if it weren't for Brian coming into my life. We built our world, a world that I am still able to live and thrive in. All he would have ever wanted is for me to pick myself up and keep moving forward! I am thankful for my family & all of the people who have come into my life, thankful for all of the things I have been able to do and continue doing and thankful for the things I have.
This is the first Thanksgiving in 11 years that I will spend without Brian. I have been told by numerous people that I should be around people because the holidays are a difficult time once you've lost a loved one. The truth is, life everyday is difficult without him. I choose to stay out of my head each day and not dwell on something that I CANNOT change. And I am grateful that I have been able to do this (for the most part).
On July 25, 2017, I wrote a post on Facebook after not really posting very much about how I was feeling. This post about sums up how I feel about Brian on this Thanksgiving Eve (and everyday); I am re-sharing it today:
I haven’t really said much lately. Things have been very difficult for me. People ask “How are you?” I don’t even know how to answer that question. Some days are good and some aren’t. I’ve described it as a rollercoaster, and I like rollercoasters, but not this kind.
Brian was a great man, he promised from the beginning that he would treat me like a queen and he did just that. He taught me a lot over the years, the greatest thing being what true love was. Brian and I went through many different things during our relationship. Some of those things were bad, but having the time to reflect these past few weeks…most of our relationship was GOOD. NO, not good, GREAT. I was his queen and he was my king. I thank him for this.
Brian only let the world see a part of him, the part that he wanted people to see. He saved the rest of himself for me. I was able to share a piece of him that he told me he had never shared with anyone else. I got to see the whole picture, hear the stories of his life, the struggles of his trials and tribulations, his dreams and aspirations. I thank him for this.
We were able to build a life together, one that seemed impossible. Every time something was bad, I would be worrying. Playing the tape through as he always said, freaking out that the worse would happen. Brian always could calm me down by telling me, “God brought us together for a reason. We are a power couple. Everything will work out, even if it isn’t the way we want.” You know what? He was ALWAYS right. Somehow he always had the faith that nothing bad would happen to us. Over the years, I started to see this as the truth and was able to stop thinking the worse and start seeing the best. I think that’s what has been helping me through this tragedy. Without the faith and hope that everything will work out, even if it isn’t the way we wanted, I don’t know where I would be right now. I thank him for this.
To My Soulmate:
I thank you Brian Heck for stepping into my life almost 10 years after the last time I saw you. I thank you for teaching me to evolve and change into the person I am today. I thank you for the 11 years of life I was able to spend with you. I thank you for legacy we were able to build together. I thank you for loving me unconditionally with your full heart, always putting my needs and wants before your own. I thank you for being you. I will always cherish the time I had with you. I will love you forever. Until we meet again.
PUMPKIN

"Don't Dream It...Be It."

 

Don't Dream It...Be It...

"Don't dream it, be it" has been a quote I've used for a quarter of a century. I have repeated this line from the Rocky Horror Picture Show since I was about 14 years old. I fell in love with this cult sensation back then. A lot of people will watch Rocky Horror and not see any of the meaning behind the B-rated movie. I know some of  you are thinking, "What the hell is she talking about?!" BUT if you really sit back and listen to the lyrics in the songs, there is real meaning behind them.
Being a teenager is a pivotal time in your life, you start to make decisions that shape who you are, the direction you are headed in life, set goals and aspirations of who you want to be. Of course this changes throughout your life, as you get older life likes to throw curve balls at you or you make some decisions that take you down a completely different path than you had originally planned. That is much like the beginning of The Rocky Horror Picture show! Brad & Janet set out on a journey and get a flat tire on the way. If you've seen the movie, you know exactly what I am talking about. They get detoured to one of the weirdest plot twists life can throw at you after their tire blows out.

Back to the quote...This comes from the song "Rose Tint My World". This song resonated with me as soon as I heard it. It sounds silly considering the song is about Frank wanting to be dressed as a woman, somehow in my 14 year old mind I looked deeper at the words in that song and applied it to my life. "Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain." What does that mean? It means being too optimistic in the most troubling of times, looking for the good in the worst situations and thinking things are better than they really are. Who knows? Maybe this is how I have survived all of the tragedies I have experienced in my life. I may be wearing rose colored glasses and believing things are better than they seem. This simple song could be the reason I am still here looking for the positive in every circumstance I have ever been in. Lord knows I've listened to this song too many times to count!

Fast forward through the song and you get to the line "Don't dream it, be it". Such a motivating statement. Again, the reference isn't what I've turned it into in my mind.  At the same time, it can be applied to anyone's life. I've learned to believe in myself and follow my dreams, to have self confidence and push forward. These words stick in my mind and keep me moving toward the goals I have set for my life. There are plenty of quotes out there about living your dream instead of just thinking about it. Richard O'Brien incorporated a version into the movie in this song. I use this quote as a motivating factor in my life. Everything I have ever dreamed I wanted to be or do, I have been. I've worked hard for the things I have accomplished in my life with these 5 words keeping me inspired.
It's strange to think The Rocky Horror Picture Show helped mold me into the person I am today, especially since my life is nothing like the story line. I will always hold this movie close to my heart, even if it's really weird and doesn't make much sense to the rest of society because rose tints my world keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

"Don't dream it...be it."

You Can't Steal My Sunshine...

It is said: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." This can be far from the truth. 

Most of my life I haven't been able to think or say that statement without letting what others say about me get stuck in my head. I played it off at first like what someone said didn't bother me, but then the words played like a broken record over and over in my head. Even if what someone says isn't true, I was never confident enough to realize that what they are saying isn't true. 

That has changed over the past 6 or so years. Brian helped me with that. There were many times after I started teaching spin class I would come home upset because someone would have left class early, complained about my music or even looking completely stone faced while taking class. The worst was one evening I taught and left the gym crying because there were a group of women in the front row making fun of me the entire class. In that moment, I wanted to give up. I went home broken and told Brian that I was quitting, I could no longer take it. He sat down with me and asked, "Do you LIKE teaching spin?"  I said, "Of course." He went on to ask why I would let other people influence me, let them take the joy out of something I liked, allow them to take away my happiness. I didn't know what to say to him.  My response was, "It's easier to quit than to deal with them." We went on to talking about whether I should really give up on spinning and after the conversation I made the decision to continue because everything Brian said made complete sense.

I continued to instruct class, but I changed the way I taught little by little. I adapted to the demographic of my class as far as music was concerned, I ignored the people who left and the people who had anything negative to say. I believe that was the year I got Mad Dogg certified as well. I used the anger and frustration to fuel my love of being a Spinning Instructor.  My classes were still as hard as they ever were, but they evolved. The next few years my classes grew with attendance and people came and went.  In the beginning of this year, I started to question myself again, wondering if I really wanted to continue teaching.  The gym, my class demographic and I was changing. I was losing the passion I had for Spin all over again.  By April, I was seriously contemplating giving my classes up.  I even mentioned it to a few frequent attendees and friends. Each person said they HOPED I didn't leave because they LOVED my class.  The response was not what I expected, I thought they would be happy that I would be gone. I truly believed they could see I was no longer the same instructor and that my classes were going down in quality.

I still toyed with the idea of leaving for the next few months, even though I really didn't want to. Brian & I were looking into things I could do to make my class even more unique and different than what it was. Then Brian passed away and I truly COULDN'T teach. I took 4 weeks off.  In those 4 weeks, there was a lot of reflection and thought. What did I want to do with my life? Where am I heading? How am I going to instruct and run a store by myself? The longer I was home, the more I actually missed being at the gym. I had started going in 1 day a week with a trainer just to get out of my house and get some kind of physical stimulation. Two weeks after I being on "leave", a woman who was subbing for my class stopped me after my personal training session. She told me that the members had said they liked her, but they really missed MY CLASS. Of course I cried when I left the gym, but you know what? I emailed my boss that day and told her I wanted to start teaching again on August 1. I came back on August 1 with a renewed spirit, love and passion for my class.  I just kept thinking about that conversation from years ago with Brian and thinking about the couple of months prior to taking leave. He would never in a million years would have wanted me to give up, it gave me the hope and determination I needed to get up and ride. I am so glad it did.

 

I am forever grateful for the lessons life has taught me. Today, I can say with confidence, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Do you want to know why? I realize now that what other people say to me isn't a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of their perception of me OR something they are struggling with in their own lives. I strive to be MY best and that's the best I can do.  You can't steal my sunshine.

A New Chapter of Life...

I have not updated this blog in over 3 years.  Many things have changed, as they do with most people's lives.  Some people know what has happened, others are still finding out.  On June 30, 2017 at 2:42 AM my life forever changed.  I lost Brian, he suffered a series of heart attacks and was taken from me.  This was the man who loved me unconditionally and would have done anything to make me happy.  He was the one I was supposed to grow old with, who built a business with me, who supported me through all of the craziness and was my constant in every situation.  Brian was always able to calm me down when I worried, told me everything would be alright, that God has a plan.  GOD HAS A PLAN and that did not fit what my hopes and dreams were.

I have a hard time thinking about that late night/early morning experience. For days after his death, I could not control my emotions I felt hopeless and unmotivated.  The tears were uncontrollable and the guilt and remorse allowed the dam to stay open.  I avoided leaving my house in fear of running into anyone I knew, I asked people to pick my food up from the diner because I couldn't face anyone.  I didn't go to the grocery store, I stopped teaching my spin class, I just sat in my house on my couch living inside of my head.  I didn't think that I would ever be able to function again.  I could not see myself talking to people about Brian or his death or how I was feeling.  I really didn't think I could ever be happy again.  I vowed that I was done with relationships forever.  It felt like someone ripped my heart out, burned it and then tried to sew it back into me. The pain hasn't gone away.  I've described it to being like having surgery and getting scar tissue: At first it is very painful, but as time goes by the pain dulls and only hurts with reminders of it being there.

I have been trying to focus on taking care of myself.  Doing things that I have wanted to do for years, getting back into the gym, prepping my food for the most part, going to the doctor to make sure I am ok, running the store alone and even allowed myself to get into a relationship.  It's not easy to get up every day after 11 years of being with someone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and function.  I try to start each day with a positive attitude, sometimes it's not easy.  Sometimes a wave of emotion comes over me and I cannot do anything to stop it.  Sometimes I feel like there are multiple waves crashes over my head and I think I am drowning.  There are days I want the waves to just carry my away.  

The past 20 months have been the most DIFFICULT I have EVER experienced in almost 39 years.  I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life and even though I am surrounded by loving and caring people who want to help, I have never felt so alone. On a daily basis people tell me how strong I am, how they admire me for that strength and how they wish nothing but happiness for me.  Today, I wake up feeling sick from having a procedure done yesterday at the doctor, my heart ripped from my chest yet again from someone who "thought" they were ready for a relationship and I have to face the day somehow with a smile.

Brian sent this text to Greg at Gcode Nutrition just a few days before he passed away:
KEEP MOVIN FORWARD. Even if I’m dragging one dead leg behind.  

I remember coming home that evening and him laughing about the text because his foot was broken.  It was kind of funny in a very sad way, but you know what?  He's right.  I need to keep moving forward.  Even if I'm dragging one dead leg behind.  

Let go, Let God.

This too shall pass.

Willingness is the key. 

God grant me the serenity to

ACCEPT the things I CANNOT change,

The COURAGE to CHANGE the things I can,

AND the WISDOM to KNOW the DIFFERENCE. 

"Don't dream it, be it."