American Dream Mall: A Dream You Can Touch, A Reality You Can Question

Finally at American Dream Mall!

I remember when they first started talking about building what is now American Dream Mall. Back when I owned and drove for my limousine company, I would pass by the site regularly, watching as steel beams and scaffolding slowly attempted to shape an ambitious vision. The concept started in 1994 as Meadowlands Mills, later evolving into Meadowlands Xanadu when construction officially began in 2004. After years of financial setbacks, changes in ownership, and reinvention, the long-awaited project finally opened in October 2019 as American Dream—a place designed to merge entertainment, shopping, and adventure under one massive roof.

In many ways, I see my own journey reflected in this place. Just like the mall, I have gone through stages of transformation. Ideas that once seemed certain had to evolve, setbacks forced reinvention, and delays in my personal growth turned out to be necessary pauses for something greater to take shape. The person I am today is the result of years of rebuilding, restructuring, and redefining my own “American Dream.”

Stepping into Big Snow NJ, I found myself facing an experience I had put off since I was a kid. I was supposed to go skiing and tubing in 8th or 9th grade with Karen Sledge, but instead, we stayed at the hotel, enjoying the pool rather than taking on the slopes. Now, at 46, I finally embraced the moment. It was exhilarating, a reminder that it’s never too late to revisit old dreams or rewrite them entirely.

Later, at House of ‘Que, I was fortunate to have Shea as my waiter. Dining out with Celiac disease can be stressful, but Shea’s knowledge and attentiveness made all the difference. He ensured that my meal was safe and enjoyable, turning what could have been a challenge into a positive experience. It’s small gestures like these that leave lasting impressions. Not only was his service top-notch, but he even shared a unique piece of art with me—a recycled jewelry piece made from a soda can tab, crafted by an artist. It was a simple yet profound reminder that transformation is everywhere, even in the smallest things.

This visit to American Dream Mall wasn’t just about exploring a long-awaited destination. It was about recognizing how much I’ve changed and grown—how life, much like the mall, takes its own time to become what it’s meant to be. Sometimes, dreams take longer than expected, but that doesn’t mean they won’t happen. With patience, persistence, and the willingness to embrace new experiences, we can turn both make-believe and reality into something incredible.

Have you ever had a moment where life came full circle in an unexpected way? Drop your thoughts in the comments!

Don't Worry...Be Happy

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note

Don't worry, be happy
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" the one hit wonder by Bobby McFerrin, a song that has more truth to it than I can explain.

I have had an epiphany within the last week, a realization about the events of the past seven years of my life. The past two weeks have been extremely stressful, I started working two more jobs, totaling three with about 85 hours of work. I starting focusing on June 30th, the anniversary of Brian's death, more than I should have and in a very negative way. I became overwhelmingly sad and ultimately angry. Last Tuesday evening I completely broke down to the point where someone very close to me was concerned I shouldn't be alone. I let out all of my frustrations that evening finally voicing the events of my entire adult life to now that I was angry about and blamed myself for. Almost a week later, I am processing these issues with the help of my counselor once again.

I spoke with someone this past week and they said something enlightening. They said even though I had moved forward with my life in many ways, I was still living in the past. At first, I disagreed. I said I had moved forward and had come so far from where I was three years ago. They pointed out that my grief and sorrow with the mention of Brian proved I hadn't moved as far as I thought. I sat in silence as they spoke and pondered everything being said. We quickly moved past the conversation and onto other topics, but the rest of the afternoon I took a step back and tried to remove my emotions from the situation. I reflected on the conversation with deep thought and the realization that I was wrong. I have been distracting myself with work, roller skating, working out, television, just staying busy and compartmentalizing my emotions. I have move forward but I have not dealt with some of the deep rooted issues that plague me when it comes to my relationship with Brian. There is a lot of anger, guilt and sadness and I need to learn how heal.

Tonight I had the ability to venture out on a bike ride. It was peaceful with the sun beating down on me and the wind gently blowing against my skin. I could feel the road underneath me and my music was playing. As I pedaled along, my mind wandered off and not into the seedy neighborhood it often likes to travel, but my first thought when I started my ride was, "It was so nice of my landlord to let me borrow this bike. I wouldn't be able to do this if he hadn't allowed me to use it." I began to think about how helpful my landlord has been when he has absolutely no reason to help me. I'm so very lucky to have a roof over my head. I'm severely behind on my rent and he has been gracious enough to work with me over the last 9 months or so.

I thought about how through this entire COVID pandemic, I have had a job and took every opportunity to have hours, which has led to a full time position at Wawa, at least for the summer. Two people close to me offered second and third jobs, working with me on the schedule at Wawa. Neither one of them had to do it, but knew I needed to catch up on bills and wanted to help me. Both of these positions are temporary summer gigs, but will allow me to make some extra money. Again, I am lucky to have people in my life who care enough about me to offer to let me work with them.

As I sit in my quiet living room, I think about how I will have a roommate joining me tomorrow. A friend got in touch with me a few weeks ago because their friend was in need of a place to stay. My friend knew I was back and forth on the idea of sharing my house to offset the bills. I made arrangements to meet with this woman and we both thought it would be a great idea for her to move in. That day, we met with my landlord, told him the plan and it was a deal. How lucky can I be?

My life is consistently changing. The path I set out on when I was 17 years old graduating from high school was not the path that I followed. I have had many experiences with jobs, relationships, friends and life in general. For the most part I have lived a good life. I have been fortunate enough to always have a place to live, food in my refrigerator, a vehicle and overall good health. I often forget to have gratitude for the present because I am either worrying about the future or the past. That sets the downward spiral of negative thinking and causes my life and relationships to fall apart. I am often asked advice by friends. I usually can help them see things clearly and give my opinion for their situation. My problem? I don't know how to take my own advice.

I have been focusing on changing my mindset. I remember a conversation with Brian one night, it was winter and cold in the house. I was complaining that I wanted the heat turned up a little. He looked at me and asked, "What would you do if you were homeless and living on the street?" My response, "I will never let that happen." I have stayed true to that statement. I have done everything I can over the past three years to not be homeless and lose everything. I have had to make great sacrifices with my time, money and the ability to do what I really want to for this. I wake up each morning grateful to be breathing. I look around my home and am thankful I still live here after five years. I open my refrigerator and I am happy there is food in it. I drive to work and thank God I have three jobs. I look at my bank account, even though there isn't money I can spend on wasteful things, I am able to pay my bills. I have clothes on my back, shoes on my feet and able to shower everyday. I have family and friends who love and care about me. There is more for me to be happy about than sad.

I recently read a quote, "If you don't leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer not was yesterday took away." I am experiencing this ten fold right now. Losing a loved one is a tragic experience. What I need to remind myself is that I am not the one who died and I am not responsible. Although it is good to remember the past with your loved ones, it is unhealthy to constantly reminisce. It keeps you in a cycle of pain and does not let you to move on with your life. It will destroy relationships with long time friends and family and not allow new ones to develop. You will not stay in the same place either, you will always fall behind. For every step you take forward, you will move three steps back. I have learned this the hard way, but after a lot of thought and analyzation of my life, I need to let go and let God once again. It is easy to say, yet so hard to do. I am going to try my hardest to live my life one day at a time, one hour at a time or even one minute at a time to focus on the present. I just want to be at peace, have a smile on my face and be able to thank God for the life I have been given.

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present."

"Don't dream it...be it."

Truth and Lies...

Truth: that which is true, or in accordance with fact or reality
Lie: an intentionally false statement

Everyone tells a lie, some are small and some are big. Most of the time the truth in a situation can hurt another person and people will lie to try to protect that person and themselves. Other times, it seems easier to lie because a different story is easier to tell than the real one. Reality, "It's easier to tell the truth than to remember your lies." Brian always used to say that. He spent a majority of his life lying to people because of his addiction, sometimes to get what he wanted and other times to hide what he was doing. I will never forget a conversation we had when we first started dating. Brian told me out of respect, he would never lie to me even if the truth hurt me or himself. Our relationship was a very honest one. Neither one of us would sugar coat the truth, at the same time we were not hurtful when we spoke.

That saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is how I approach life. I have been put into situations where I try to navigate the waters. I always try to give the benefit of doubt and I am troubled by that. I don't want to be too forgiving and I also don't want to be cynical. The truth is something I value. I can respect an honest person for many reasons, especially that it shows a high level of maturity. Being able to talk about something that happened or the way you feel is never easy. Being vulnerable isn't a comfortable feeling and worrying about another person's reaction to events is an even more uneasy feeling. I know what it feels like to be lied to and it hurts. I've also lied to others and know there is a burden and level of guilt that you carry and weighs you down like a brick.

"For nothing is hidden that will not be made manifest, nor is anything secret that will not be known and come to light." That is a bible verse which has been stuck in my head for over a decade. More often than not humans try to justify their deceit, often listing unrealistic reasons for their actions. Over the years, I feel like I have matured and learned enough coping skills to react to most situations I am in. I don't fly off the handle, yell and scream, belittle other people or lash out in a physical way. I now assess the facts, think about what I want to say and try to have a civilized conversation. Not long ago, I found myself deeply hurt by news that I heard about someone extremely close to me. My friend didn't tell me what was going on because were worried about my reaction, they waited and waited. I innocently found out from someone else and waited a few days for my initial anger to subside before having a conversation. When I confronted my friend, I was told they were going to tell me about it but were "waiting for the right time". I ended that conversation with, "I need some time to reflect on what just happened. It is probably better if we don't talk for awhile." About two weeks later, my friend reached out to me, apologizing again and telling me how hard it was to not have the ability to speak with me. I agreed that I wanted to have them in my life but also told my friend we needed to continue to communicate and be honest with each other. Our friendship is now stronger because of this.

Sometimes telling the truth, as horrible as it may be, is better than lying. Every lie can be forgiven but every bridge cannot be mended. You may have to forgive someone for hurting you, but not forget what they did. Doing this may set you free and allow others in the future to see how to treat you differently.

"Don't dream it...be it."

Control...

"You may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but you can control your attitude and how you deal with it."

I've made the announcement on social media and to everyone who has come into the store in the pat 3 weeks that Hard Core Nutrition will be closing forever this Friday, December 20, 2019. Although it is not what I want, it's what needed to be done. The store has been suffering for over 9 months now and I cannot continue down the path I've been taking. Wounds have been opened that began to heal, memories are flooding back into my mind on a daily basis, the pain I thought I was moving past has rushed into my soul again. I'm overwhelmed, overworked and stressed out. I have many great friends who are listening each time I have a meltdown. I am doing everything I can to end a chapter of my life once again.

Over the past few days, I've gotten lost in thought. I've really reflected on how I have reacted with my decision to close the business. I have a friend who has really been supportive and has given excellent advice. Each time I speak with them I am in a different state of mind, sometimes I'm having a great day and other days I'm crying uncontrollably. Each and every time I have been crying, I apologize to them. Their response is one of true caring, they tell me it's fine, I'm going through something extremely painful and hard, and that crying is healthy. I do end up laughing by the end of the conversation. The reality is they are right, I need to go through the emotions I am feelings and not bottle them up.

This has led me to thinking about how much I have changed over the past 20 years. When I was younger, I tried to control everything and everyone and when something did not go my way I would get angry, lash out at anyone who I had contact with and even get violent at different points. It wasn't until I started dating Brian that I started to change. I learned I couldn't control everything, especially people, mainly because of his involvement in The Program. The 12 Step Program helped me evolve in so many ways and I still apply it to my life. The Serenity Prayer is something I repeat on a regular basis. I will never forget over a 13 years ago sitting with Brian hysterically crying because I could not make a decision on whether or not I wanted a divorce. Brian introduced me the prayer that day, making me repeat it. Somehow, saying those words:"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" over and over CALMED ME DOWN. He told me it would, I just didn't believe him. To this day, I use this to calm myself down.

I have gained the wisdom of knowing what I can and cannot control. In my current situation, I really can't control that I have to close the store. I can't control how much work needs to be done. I can't control having help with what needs to be done. I can't fully control having another job at the moment. I can control getting the store packed and everything sold. I can control getting to the gym and going roller skating. I can control making sure I'm getting enough rest and taking breaks when I need to. I can control what I'm eating. I can control my house is clean. I can control myself being clean and dressing nicely everyday and make sure I don't look like a bum. I can also control waking up even when it feels like the darkest day of my life, getting myself out of bed and just living life regardless of how bad anything feels. I make a choice everyday to just do what I can, the best I can and the only way I know how.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Why Me?

My friends have described me as independent and confident. I can't argue this for the most part because a majority of the time I am. I don't often rely on others for anything. I make decisions to do things and try my best to succeed with the task I've set for myself. I take responsibility for my actions and when faced with a failure I own it. These are all events
I have a lot of control over, things I can take action in and make happen. Then there are the events that are out of my control...

Sometimes I feel like I set myself up for disaster, it's as if I put myself into a situation that is doomed from the beginning. There are many times I ask myself "Why me?". Whether it's a business decision, friends I've made or anything really, I usually take a step back when I've had to ask myself why something is happening. My life hasn't been the easiest, especially the past four to five years. When Brian passed away, I almost jumped on the self-pity train. That ride would have brought me to a very different place today. Instead, I started to think logically. I realized that I made a decision. I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to started a relationship with a long time addict, an addict who told me in the first six months of our relationship that he would not survive past the age of 40. I was forewarned and knew regardless of a relapse, there were serious health issues associated with the years of drug and alcohol abuse.

When I arrived at that train station in the days after Brian's death, I had a choice of where I wanted to go. The schedule was overwhelming and I was filled with anxiety. Instead of buying a ticket for the pity train, I decided to move forward in a positive direction. The thing that kept me motivated and still does to this day is (and probably always will be) that Brian wanted nothing more for me than happiness. I learned how to do things by myself, I found the strength to continue to move forward in my life even if I didn't know what direction I was headed. My life is far from perfect, I have a lot of problems just like everyone else in the world. The difference is I face the day not asking "Why me" but saying "Why NOT!".

"Don't dream it...be it."

Determination, Dedication, Self-Discipline & EFFORT...

This post was supposed to be finished April 14, 2019, this afternoon I finally finished it. It's now been a year and a half, but here's the post:

It has been ONE FULL YEAR that I committed myself to becoming healthy and fit again.
ONE YEAR of eating the correct portions of food along with the right amount of calories each day...
ONE YEAR of waking up early to get to the gym...
On April 14, 2019 ONE YEAR that I stepped inside of Jackson Skating Center and fell in love.

It has not been an easy road, there have been days I messed up with eating, days I didn't drink enough water, days I didn't get enough sleep, days that I didn't put enough effort in at the gym, days that I was sick and missed working out. Throughout the entire year, one thing that was consistent was my self-discipline and effort. No matter what I may have done wrong, I talked myself into getting right back on track and doing the right thing. I have been determined to get back to where I was 10 years ago, dedicated the time and effort that was needed and I am proud of how far I have come.

I have said in numerous Facebook posts and videos a motivating factor for me is showing others the "impossible" can be achieved. I haven't ever thought the image I had for myself was impossible, I just became complacent with myself and accepted where I was. In the back of my mind, there was always the notion I could achieve my goal again. I just needed to find the right way at the right time. April 2018 became that time. I stopped over-sleeping, sitting on my butt watching TV and hanging out at the diner, trading those hours to be more active. I have not felt this good in many years.

I am proud of the progress I have made and still have a long road ahead to hit my goal and maintain it. I was reading my first blog post about roller skating from May 2018. So much has changed since then. I found the confidence I didn't have in myself, learned how to shuffle skate and want to continue learning new steps dancing on skates. I'm skating 3-4 days a week now and traveling to others rinks like people had suggested when I started. I had the opportunity to celebrate my one year anniversary of roller skating on April 14 with an event, The Tri-State Shuffle Skate main event at Holiday Skating & Fun Center. It was the second shuffle event I attended. The happiness and freedom I feel when I lace my skates has not faded, in fact, it has grown. Some people see an obsession, but I have found an activity that has filled a small void in my life. I skated on April 14 with pride and joy, knowing that I committed one year and many hours of practice to be able to skate with some of the best skaters out there. I'm was (and still am) excited. I also traveled to Young's Skating Center in Mays Landing, Palace Roller Skating Center in Philadelphia, Sk8 47 in Franklinville, Rollermagic in South Amboy, Rollerjam USA on Staten Island and Millennium Skating Center in Camden. I don't have the ability to get to these places all the time, but when the opportunity arises, I jump on it so I can skate with new people and learn even more.

The past six months I have been meeting new people and learning so many new things, not just about skating, but about myself. Once again, some of my new friends have said, "There is just something about you." I still have a hard time understanding what it is about me that makes people say this. I get embarrassed when I am complimented. A customer was in the store last week and told be I was beautiful in front of some other people there. The next thing they said was, "She needs to here that. Someone needs to tell her that everyday." I made some kind of sarcastic remark, that's my defense mechanism. I know I should appreciate compliments, it's hard when you don't see what others see.

In March I was devastated, having a nervous breakdown and generally just freaking out about life. I allowed my fears to take over and disappeared into a neighborhood of my mind that has lots of dark corners and alleys. It's pretty easy to wander into and very difficult to get out of sometimes. I have been under an enormous amount of stress for about 6 months. Running a business and trying to keep myself busy and happy are not an easy task. Although things are balanced and I have allowed myself enough time for sleep and recovery, my brain won't shut off at night and I have not been sleeping much. I know that the lack of sleep contributes to my mood, making me feel sad and a little depressed. Most days I force myself out of bed to continue my routine, telling myself that I will get some more sleep later that night and it rarely happens. 

Last night, Saturday, October 12, 2019 is a night I will remember forever. I was on the fence about skating at Rollerjam USA because it a late skate and I was unsure about being out. My new friend Keishonda agreed to go up with me and we set out to skate. This five hour session was one of the best I have ever had. As I laced up my skates and talked to my friends the DJ, Tito, made a comment that I was in rare form. He was right, I was feeling so good. When my wheels hit the floor that freedom I feel from life hit hard and I was off. The music was pumping and I felt confident in myself. All of the negative criticism that had been floating around in my mind was gone and I felt at ease rolling on the floor. I practiced backwards, forward, shuffling, dancing and even partnered "danced" in the middle. I can't remember a time where I felt so relaxed inside of a rink. I grabbed Keishonda a few times to practice skating and felt so confident beside her and was pushing her to step outside HER comfort zone. We had so much fun, even if we both don't really know what we are doing.

Reflection is a large part of my life. I look back at the events and experiences I've had to help move forward with decisions that need to be made for myself. Many people have been helping me and giving me advice on roller skating. I enjoy getting constructive criticism, I want to learn as much as I can from all types of skaters. There are so many styles of skating and every person out there adds their own flair to it. The coolest thing about roller skating is there isn't just one dimension to anything. I have no room for negative people in my life and I've tried to distance myself from the ones who have negatively criticized me. I have learned that the negativity isn't a dig at me, it's really the projection of the feelings the person who is being obstinate ONTO me. There is no place for that kind of person in my life. I want to live my life the way I have been...doing what I love, laughing and smiling, improving and developing new skills and not doing harm to anyone, including myself, along the way. I'm humbled and proud of the determination, dedication, self-discipline and effort I've out into my life.

"Don't dream it...be it."

Lost Girl & Adventures In Online Dating...

I recently binged watched the show Lost Girl on Netflix. I found myself relating to not only the lead character, but many of the other main people as well. Bo never knew she was not a human but a "Fae" who are creatures of legend. Bo is a succubus who feeds on the sexual energy of humans. She searches for the truth about her origins and in the process never chooses to side with the Dark or Light like the other Fae in the community. The story line is quite interesting and captivated me from the very beginning.

For quite some time now, I have been reflecting on my life and trying to figure out where I am headed. The future has been unclear since Brian passing away. Every plan I had included him and now I am uncertain of what direction I am headed. The fitness industry has been my passion for 13 years and my recent love of roller skating has dominated my life for over a year now. Lately, I've debated closing up the store, selling all of my possessions and traveling the country to skate. It sounds insane but there are people who have done crazier things than that to pursue their dreams in life. This thought process is much like Bo in the show Lost Girl, constantly picking up and moving around not settling in one place. Maybe I'm going through a midlife crisis, maybe I'm just trying to deal with the grief of losing the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with or maybe it's both. Who knows?

The one thing I am sure of right now is I need to focus on my business without too many distractions. About two months ago I created a few online dating profiles on different sites. After messaging with many different men and going on several dates, I'm not sure if I'll ever find someone for me again. Almost every man I had a conversation with said I was "very busy". Yes, I am busy. I own a business, have goals for my health and well being, love teaching spin class and absolutely love roller skating. I like being single for many reasons, the main one being that I don't have to sacrifice any of the things I love to do to spend time with someone. Some would call me selfish but I don't look at myself like that. I have spent a lot of my life giving up my goals for other people. For the first time in my life, I am able to focus on myself and it has changed me. I am happier, less stressed and more rational.

After about a month of being on these sites, I took my profiles down and gave myself a break from "swiping left" because that's pretty much all I did. I'd sit looking at profiles, sometimes for hours, just reading and saying "Nope". About a week ago I reactivated one profile and signed up on another site friends recommended with a renewed spirit. I started messaging with a few people I matched with. A few weeks ago I had the most interesting connection yet. Within about 15 minutes of messaging with this man we exchanged phone numbers (no I don't give my real one out) and started text messaging, three hours later we were having a phone conversation. We spoke for a little over an hour because the store was slow when I opened. I probably should have ended the connection at that point because this guy was already trying to change my life. Promises were being made to take care of me financially, rules were being laid out including telling me I couldn't have male friends and at one point he was even going to make my dreams come true and invest in any type of business I wanted to own. I am not naive or gullible nor am I jaded and negative. I am realistic. It sounded like a load of bullshit to me to try to get me in bed with him. That became apparent when I gave him a call after my shift ended at the rink. Another one of his "rules" was that if he didn't sleep with the girl on the second date the relationship wasn't going to work. I told him that was a deal breaker for me and we quickly got off the phone. I received a text a few minutes later about how pissed off he was and how prudish and old fashioned I was being. Needless to say, I blocked this guy and it's the first one I've had to do that with.

I am not going to compromise my morals, values, standards or anything that makes me happy for someone I don't even know. Multiple times this man said I was very negative and got very angry with me. I do not think I am negative at all. I would never ask someone to change who they were for me. I am looking for someone I am compatible with, someone I can share my life with, someone who will accept me for who I am, what I do and not try to change me. To practically demand sex from me, especially when I haven't even met you face to face is a lack of respect in my opinion. A true gentleman wouldn't treat a woman that way, at least not in my experience. I will not allow someone to dictate my choices.

I recently had a conversation with a friend, they were telling me what they saw in me. They said watching me over the past year they saw something in me. "You are like a flame and everyone around you are moths. You attract people." I cried while they went on explaining how proud they were to know me. I didn't say a word as they spoke, tears flowed freely from my eyes and my friend had no idea why I was really crying. I've felt so lost lately. A lot of the time I don't see myself the way others do. As my friend continued to talk about all of the good qualities they saw in me, I continued to cry because in my mind I was thinking, "Why can't I find someone else who actually sees me like this and wants to connect with me on a relationship level?" Some day it might happen, I haven't lost any hope. For now, I am going to continue my skating relationship. It's safe (for the most part), it loves me the way I love it and I always have a smile on my face when we are together.

"Don't dream it, be it..."