Don't Worry...Be Happy

Here's a little song I wrote
You might want to sing it note for note

Don't worry, be happy
In every life we have some trouble
But when you worry you make it double
Don't worry, be happy
Don't worry, be happy now

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" the one hit wonder by Bobby McFerrin, a song that has more truth to it than I can explain.

I have had an epiphany within the last week, a realization about the events of the past seven years of my life. The past two weeks have been extremely stressful, I started working two more jobs, totaling three with about 85 hours of work. I starting focusing on June 30th, the anniversary of Brian's death, more than I should have and in a very negative way. I became overwhelmingly sad and ultimately angry. Last Tuesday evening I completely broke down to the point where someone very close to me was concerned I shouldn't be alone. I let out all of my frustrations that evening finally voicing the events of my entire adult life to now that I was angry about and blamed myself for. Almost a week later, I am processing these issues with the help of my counselor once again.

I spoke with someone this past week and they said something enlightening. They said even though I had moved forward with my life in many ways, I was still living in the past. At first, I disagreed. I said I had moved forward and had come so far from where I was three years ago. They pointed out that my grief and sorrow with the mention of Brian proved I hadn't moved as far as I thought. I sat in silence as they spoke and pondered everything being said. We quickly moved past the conversation and onto other topics, but the rest of the afternoon I took a step back and tried to remove my emotions from the situation. I reflected on the conversation with deep thought and the realization that I was wrong. I have been distracting myself with work, roller skating, working out, television, just staying busy and compartmentalizing my emotions. I have move forward but I have not dealt with some of the deep rooted issues that plague me when it comes to my relationship with Brian. There is a lot of anger, guilt and sadness and I need to learn how heal.

Tonight I had the ability to venture out on a bike ride. It was peaceful with the sun beating down on me and the wind gently blowing against my skin. I could feel the road underneath me and my music was playing. As I pedaled along, my mind wandered off and not into the seedy neighborhood it often likes to travel, but my first thought when I started my ride was, "It was so nice of my landlord to let me borrow this bike. I wouldn't be able to do this if he hadn't allowed me to use it." I began to think about how helpful my landlord has been when he has absolutely no reason to help me. I'm so very lucky to have a roof over my head. I'm severely behind on my rent and he has been gracious enough to work with me over the last 9 months or so.

I thought about how through this entire COVID pandemic, I have had a job and took every opportunity to have hours, which has led to a full time position at Wawa, at least for the summer. Two people close to me offered second and third jobs, working with me on the schedule at Wawa. Neither one of them had to do it, but knew I needed to catch up on bills and wanted to help me. Both of these positions are temporary summer gigs, but will allow me to make some extra money. Again, I am lucky to have people in my life who care enough about me to offer to let me work with them.

As I sit in my quiet living room, I think about how I will have a roommate joining me tomorrow. A friend got in touch with me a few weeks ago because their friend was in need of a place to stay. My friend knew I was back and forth on the idea of sharing my house to offset the bills. I made arrangements to meet with this woman and we both thought it would be a great idea for her to move in. That day, we met with my landlord, told him the plan and it was a deal. How lucky can I be?

My life is consistently changing. The path I set out on when I was 17 years old graduating from high school was not the path that I followed. I have had many experiences with jobs, relationships, friends and life in general. For the most part I have lived a good life. I have been fortunate enough to always have a place to live, food in my refrigerator, a vehicle and overall good health. I often forget to have gratitude for the present because I am either worrying about the future or the past. That sets the downward spiral of negative thinking and causes my life and relationships to fall apart. I am often asked advice by friends. I usually can help them see things clearly and give my opinion for their situation. My problem? I don't know how to take my own advice.

I have been focusing on changing my mindset. I remember a conversation with Brian one night, it was winter and cold in the house. I was complaining that I wanted the heat turned up a little. He looked at me and asked, "What would you do if you were homeless and living on the street?" My response, "I will never let that happen." I have stayed true to that statement. I have done everything I can over the past three years to not be homeless and lose everything. I have had to make great sacrifices with my time, money and the ability to do what I really want to for this. I wake up each morning grateful to be breathing. I look around my home and am thankful I still live here after five years. I open my refrigerator and I am happy there is food in it. I drive to work and thank God I have three jobs. I look at my bank account, even though there isn't money I can spend on wasteful things, I am able to pay my bills. I have clothes on my back, shoes on my feet and able to shower everyday. I have family and friends who love and care about me. There is more for me to be happy about than sad.

I recently read a quote, "If you don't leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer not was yesterday took away." I am experiencing this ten fold right now. Losing a loved one is a tragic experience. What I need to remind myself is that I am not the one who died and I am not responsible. Although it is good to remember the past with your loved ones, it is unhealthy to constantly reminisce. It keeps you in a cycle of pain and does not let you to move on with your life. It will destroy relationships with long time friends and family and not allow new ones to develop. You will not stay in the same place either, you will always fall behind. For every step you take forward, you will move three steps back. I have learned this the hard way, but after a lot of thought and analyzation of my life, I need to let go and let God once again. It is easy to say, yet so hard to do. I am going to try my hardest to live my life one day at a time, one hour at a time or even one minute at a time to focus on the present. I just want to be at peace, have a smile on my face and be able to thank God for the life I have been given.

"If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present."

"Don't dream it...be it."