I Struggle With Life...

I am not sure where I will be going with this post.  Things have been overwhelmingly stressful for months.  Between the store, teaching, personal training and my own actual daily life...I am not sure how I am still functioning. I have this goal of competing, but each day that goal seems to be slipping further and further away from me.  It is extremely hard to balance everything going on right now and I am that person that puts everything else before my own needs and wants.  But, in my defense, as much as I WANT to compete, it isn't a NECESSITY.  Competing is a goal, a check mark for my "bucket list", it really isn't something that I HAVE to do.  I realize this.
Waking up between 4:30 & 5:00 every morning and going to bed between 10:30 & 11:30 at night is very tiresome.  I don't have kids, I don't have pets...it's just me, Brian and the store.  My day isn't just sitting around chatting with people about supplements, throwing together a playlist for spin and just beating the hell out of a client I am training.  There is paperwork that needs to be done, orders that need to be made and then put away, bills that need to be paid at home and our store, programs that need to be put together for spin, training sessions that need to be unique for each person and their injuries, limitations and goals...not to mention dealing with the public all day is a mental roller coaster.  When you see anywhere from 10-30 people at day and hear all about the good and bad things happening in their lives, it's A LOT to take in.  My brain can only take so much.
Most people look at our life and only see the good, they see the store and us working everyday.  But what they fail to realize is that we struggle just like everyone else, we struggle with money, with struggle with bills, we struggle with our health, we struggle in our relationship.  One of the things that makes our store and our relationship different is the fact that both of us have had to struggle to get to where we are.  Brian is a recovering addict who is not perfect by any means.  He has his battle with addiction which is a fight that doesn't ever end.  As for myself, I battle each day to never return to that 210 lb woman from 8 years ago.  Being able to maintain my weight for the past few years is amazing.
With everything that has been going on in our lives, one thought keeps going through my mind.  I am like you.  I struggle everyday to wake up and do the right thing.  I struggle to not be lazy.  I struggle to eat the right portions.  I struggle to make sure I get to the gym.  I struggle to lose the extra fat on my body. I struggle to keep my relationship healthy.  I struggle with money.  I struggle with bills.

I STRUGGLE WITH LIFE.

Despite this, I still wake up everyday with the hope and drive that today is a new day.  I can start over, yesterday is gone and I can learn from my mistakes.  Eventually, there will be a time when I can work on the goal of competing.  For whatever reason, that time isn't now.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Account Closed.

It has taken me almost my whole life to realize this.  I try to surround myself with people who are much like me.  I used to take what people said at face value, then I was stabbed in the back because I trusted them to easily.  My words twisted and used against me.

I have noticed that a lot of people like to say what you want to hear, rather than tell the truth about something, as to not hurt your feelings.  They would rather have you happy than angry with them.  They aren't necessarily "bad" people with "bad" intentions...just people who think they are doing right by you.

People come and go in life. Even if they are causing a negative balance, you can learn something from them.

"True success requires sacrifice..."

That statement could not be more true.  Day in and day out, I listen to people talk about how hard they have tried to succeed with their weight loss or muscle gain.  Somehow, Brian and I have are viewed as local "gurus" and are approached each and every day with questions about nutrition, work outs, medical ailments, you name it, we have been asked.  I am not complaining, and neither is he, but that is a heavy burden to carry around and a lot of that burden is put on his shoulders.  Both of us have sacrificed a huge part of our personal lives to make our store successful, it was the only thing we possessed then (AND NOW) to invest into our dream.  5 years later we still struggle to keep the store alive and growing but have realized that we both need to focus on getting the part of our lives we gave up back.
2013 was difficult for the two of us.  There were many things we had to push through and overcome.  I struggled with getting back onto a regular schedule with working out, and as I mentioned in another post, it took me a whole YEAR to do that.  When I think about it though, I sacrificed almost 3 years of my workout routine...so it really wasn't that long to get back on track.  Now that I have a better workout regime, I am focusing on my food and water intake..  That has been 3 months of changing things around, little bits at a time.  For some reason the food was a little bit easier to change than the exercise.  I still struggle with my food, but I am sticking to the plan even if I mess up.
Everyday I wake up around 5:15 AM and have made it a routine of drinking at least 16 oz of water before I eat my breakfast.  By the time I leave for the gym, I have drank close to 32 oz of water and have eaten 460 calories.  During my workout, I try to drink another 20 oz of water and then drink my post workout shake.  After my workout, before I head off to work, I try to drink another 20 oz of water (or close to it).  So, 5 hours after waking up I have consumed a total of 70 oz of water and about 600 calories.  At the end of the day, I have usually drank a little over a gallon of water and eaten about 2000 calories.  I have been able to make better food choices throughout the day because I am not feeling "hungry".  One of my biggest problems over the past few years has been fluid intake, which contributed to my eating habits.  I would mistake my thirst for "hunger".  I feel so much better, my skin looks better AND I am able to lose the inches I have been trying for so long to get rid of.
2014 started out as another struggle for us at the store, but no matter what, we keep pushing forward.  Brian is now trying to focus on himself and I am here to support him.  Now that my mindset is better and I have a positive outlook on our future, I can be the support that he has been for me over the past few years.  Hopefully this year all some of the sacrifices we have made will provide us with new and better opportunities to strengthen our relationship, further our knowledge and grow our business in ways we never would have imagined.  I have stopped focusing on what I have given up to work toward what we both want.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Self Criticism.

Brian, John & I at Retro Fitness Manahawkin

For the first time in a long time I posted a photo of myself at the gym.  I am always so self conscious and
worried about what everyone else is going to think of me.  I have been working so hard with my food and exercise to get back on track on to lean myself out.  I know I am making progress and it is showing, people have been making comments.  I battle everyday to get out of bed and do the right thing.  I am human just like everyone else and I make mistakes.  I am not a part of the 1% of human beings who have been blessed with awesome genetics.  I push myself to the limit everyday; failing sometimes, succeeding others.

Today we posted a quote on our Facebook store page, "It doesn't matter what people think about you.  It's what you think of yourself that counts."  This statement couldn't be more true.  If you don't have confidence in yourself, how can others feel the same way about you?  For the past few months, I have been more confident in myself than ever before, which is allowing me to be more determined than ever before.  I have stopped criticizing myself over every little thing.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.  As long as I am making progress and I am working toward my goals, I should be proud of where I am.  I am not starving myself, I have not resorted to a chicken and broccoli diet, I am not doing hours of cardio everyday.  I have a good plan, a good supplement regime, I sleep well and I eat well.  I will reach my goals.

"Don't dream it, be it."

Will and intention.

Habit: a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur unconsciously.

Habit Formation: Habit formation is the process by which a behavior, through regular repetition, becomes automatic or habitual. The average time for people to for a habit is 66 days with a range of 18–254 .

Let me think about that for a second....ok, time up. I am 35 years old. For about 16 years of my life I was being given my food, with little choice to how much I could eat and ALWAYS limited to how much junk food I could have.

I am not sure that I have talked about my childhood memories of being given M & M's. My mom and dad that the Tupperware plastic bowls that came in faded colors of yellow, pinkish orange and green. I vividly remember both my mother and father telling me that I could have M & M's as long as I ate all of my dinner, which I did of course. Then, when I was given one of those Tupperware bowls, I was told I could only have enough to "cover the bottom of the bowl". It's an interesting thing to look back and remember. When I really think about it, my parents always portioned my food, ALWAYS. I wasn't able to gorge myself. I could have junk, but it was always limited.

How smart my parents are. And to think, the word glutton was used all the time in our household. My father would always say, "Don't be a glutton." As a child I didn't understand that term fully, but it was used frequently. So how the HELL did I grow up to just want to eat everything I could? Well, I know I have mentioned this before: I became a teenager with a job, and bought my own food. That's what happened. My parents couldn't tell me how much to eat, because they DIDN'T buy it! It was mine, I didn't HAVE to share it with my 3 brothers, 2 sisters or with them for that matter. I could eat as much as I wanted because it was MINE.

So, I began the habit of eating overeating, which led me to using food for comfort and ultimately being addicted to eating. I have lived more of my life, at this point, with portion control. I wasn't until I was 27 years old, only 11 years lacking portion control, that I started to take back my life. The problem is that once you have been doing something for that long, it's hard to go back to the old way. I have been struggling for the past 8 years of my life to get back to just covering the bottom of the bowl with M & M's. It's hard. As an adult, no one can control you, there aren't consequences like when you were a child. No one is going to send me to my room or take away my television and phone privileges, or tell me I can't go outside and play, or take away my toys. That is the reality. As an adult, you are responsible for you own actions and unless you are breaking a law, no one is going to arrest you for you bad habits. Wouldn't that be funny, being arrested for overeating?? LoL, they think the jails are overcrowded now?????????????

Bottom line is you need to have will power and good intentions to change any bad habit. Somehow over the past 3 months, I have dug deep down inside and found that girl that was there 8 years ago when I began my weight loss journey at a size 22. I have been able to control my eating habits through weighing my food everyday and my exercise routine by telling myself I will be angry if I miss the gym. Losing weight is a battle that I am willing to fight now. I have been using all of the tools in my toolbox to push myself to the limit. Hard work is paying off and I am not willing to give up the progress that I have made. I was measured the other day...the scale shows that I am still up 1.4 pounds, BUT I lost 4.5 inches in 4 WEEKS. I am not starving myself, I am not working out for hours a day; I am eating about 1800-2000 calories a day and working out for about an hour and a half. Lean and mean, that's my goal. I just want to see those inches melt away. I have set goals for myself, and I am not going to let them slip away!

"Don't dream it, be it."

Finally, some progress.

After a year of trying to get back on track, I am finally seeing some progress with my fat loss.  Yes, I have to weigh my food. YES, I am taking the time to cook more in bulk.  Yes, I am waking up at 5:30 in the morning to make it to the gym everyday.  Yes, it kinda sucks.  BUT, you want to know something...I am happier for it.  I have used the past year to get myself on a better schedule and FINALLY I am able to focus on the real goal, losing this body fat.  I realize that it didn't take me a few weeks or months to gain back some of my weight and I also realize that I didn't get to a size 22 a few years ago overnight.  This battle is never ending and I always just need to stand my ground and keep pushing forward no matter what obstacles stand in my way.
I have not been measured in about a month, but I can see the difference in my body and know that I need to get those measurements done.  Brian is also FINALLY seeing the difference too.  This is really weird, but I will walk into the kitchen and pull my shirt in front of him and say, "LOOK AT MY BELLY!"  I have been doing this for a month now and two days ago he FINALLY said, "Let me see that again...WOW, I can actually see a change now."  My stomach has the largest amount of fat on it, so it is going to take the longest to make it go away.  I just hope that this time when I drop the skin doesn't sag as much as it did last time.  I am trying to drink enough water and take the right vitamins to aid in the elasticity, as well as using lotion to keep the skin hydrated, but the skin has been stretched for a long time and may not want to shrink, LoL.
Enough for today, I have to get ready to teach Spin class.  I am excited for the next few months and can't wait to be able to show before and after pictures again.  This time, I have real ones....

"Don't dream it, be it."

2014...

2014 hasn't started so wonderfully and I haven't been blogging at all.  Life gets in the way, stress somehow always finds a way to take things over.  Regardless, this year is looking like it is going to be better somehow, some way.  New things are on the horizon for our store and I am feeling much better physically from all of the changes I have made with the calorie increase over the summer.  I started training clients again at the gym and had to take off for the holidays.  Between their schedules and mine, plus everyone catching all of the "bugs" going around...appointments were hard to keep.
My journey to compete is still a goal.  I think I am FINALLY going to be able to get the most important part of the whole thing down, the DIET.  I have been able to maintain my weight and size 9 jeans since the summer.  Now it's time to cut back and change it up.  No more cookies and junk at night, one meal a week will be outside of the normal without sabotaging myself.  I bought a new pair of sneakers so I can start focusing on running more.  So far so good.
I was beating myself up, like I usually do, for not being able to hit my goals.  The other day I was speaking to John (he is now working with us at the store) and mentioned that I was going to start training for a 5K that I would like to do sometime in the spring.  We were talking about my times and where I would like to be for this one.  I haven't run a 5K since 2009...

SHIP BOTTOM SPRINT FOR LIFE 5K
Race Date:4-04-09

(There were 312 runners in this race)

Before that I ran two 5K's in 2007....

SHIP BOTTOM SPRINT FOR LIFE 5K
Race Date: 3-31-07

(There were 169 runners in this race)

I also ran to Cops and Runners race in Barnegat that year, but cannot find the results. I know my time was a little WORSE on that one because there was a cross wind and I was dying both ways. It was 28 minutes and change. Regardless, talking about these times made me realize something. In 2006 I couldn't even WALK on the treadmill at 2.5 without being out of breath. Between the weight and the asthma, I was winded very easily. In 1996, I couldn't run more than a lap around the track at the high school because I didn't KNOW I had asthma! In 2007 and 2009 I was RUNNING 3.12 MILES without being out of breath! That is something to be proud of.

NEW SHORT TERM GOAL: try to beat my 2009 time, even if it is only by 1 second.

"Don't dream it, be it."