Fast forward to 2013. I have been able to keep MOST of my weight off. I have been up and down on the scale and after being diagnosed with Celiac's two years ago you would THINK I could drop faster. NOPE. I am most definitely a food addict. Even thought my diet consists of protein shakes, chicken breast, lean ground turkey, vegetables, brown rice, sweet potatoes, etc., I still have a problem with portion control. I struggle right now to drop below 160 lbs. I have been comfortable with myself and my body, but would LOVE to lose a few pants sizes.
In 2009 I was able to get my muscle mass up tremendously and my body fat very low and my weight was 130-135 lbs. I went from being a size 10/12 to a size 5/7! For me, that is AWESOME. Never in a million years when I started this whole transformation did I think I would get anywhere near a size 8, let alone a size 5/7; nor did I think that I would be weighing 130-135 lbs when I weighed 210 lbs at the start. MY motivation was there, the workouts were there and the diet was dead on. So, what happened you ask?
Life happened. Old habits die hard, it's the truth. My fiance was having stomach issues toward the end of 2009 and found out he needed his gallbladder removed. Surgery was not something that was easy for me (even though he was the one going under). We had just opened the store about 9 months prior to this and a majority of our customers where men between the ages of 16-24 years old. Unfortunately, a lot of them didn't want to talk to ME because I am a WOMAN. Yes, I know, a new millennium and STILL women don't get treated like equals LOL. Whatever. We set the date for him to go in for surgery and closed the store that day so I could be there with him. That kinda started the downward spiral for me.
The stress of trying to take care of Brian, being at a retail store doing the volume of business that we do by myself, trying to get my workouts in and making sure I was eating right took a toll on me mentally. That's when I started to fall off track with eating and I woke up in the morning exhausted from working all day and chose not to get to the gym a few days. We were open 7 days a week at that point and I was there for close to 2 weeks by myself while Brian was recovering. When I am overwhelmed, I used to go to the gym to get out my frustration. Not this time, I was mentally broken and physically exhausted. My body said no and my brain was not willing to fight, so, like I said, old habits die hard. I reverted back to the comfort of food and started to binge eat.
Over the next couple of months I stopped the binge eating, but it was too late. I was way off routine. My fiance was healed and back to the store in two weeks, but I was broken. I had somehow lost the will and determination to continue eating totally clean and religiously get to the gym. To relieve stress I would go to the pizza or Chinese food place and get my drug of choice or eat cake or cookie or candy, whatever was going to make me happy. My thought process was so far off, I would literally tell myself that I was fine and didn't need to be a size 5/7. I was lying to myself, making excuses for my behavior. I went from being a size 5/7 to a 9 very quickly, telling myself, it's only one size, not big deal. It isn't really, but what happened over the next two years is.
In 2010, we moved our retail store to a new location in June AND in September my fiance was diagnosed with skin cancer. He was going to need surgery to have it removed. Another excuse for me to eat. About a week and a half of being at the store by myself, but we were only open 6 days a week now. More stress, more aggravation and more 16-24 year old guys who didn't want to talk to me. "Where's Brian?" was all I heard. Can you say STRESSED?
2011 and 2012 were my years to shine in the medical community. In the beginning of 2011, I started to have an allergic reaction to something and my face was breaking out, enter the steroid creams. Join that with some severe stomach problems. I was in the ER in January because I couldn't stop vomiting and my stomach was cramping so badly I couldn't even keep a sip of water down. Left the ER that night doped up on morphine with no diagnosis of what was wrong. Followed up with a gastro doctor and went through a ton of testing to find out that MY gallbladder was working at about 30%, LOL. At the same time, I was diagnosed with Celiac's disease. No acid reflux or anything like that though. That only took 3 months to figure out. I asked if I should have the gallbladder removed, since it was causing pain and I was told no because it was "still working at 30% and they usually don't recommend having it out unless it is at 20% or below". Um, ok...you're the doctor.
I avoided fats and wheat like the plague, but the pain continued. It got to the point at the end of August where I was eating dry chicken breast and dry brown rice and getting nauseous after I ate. I went to my regular doctor to get an opinion on the gallbladder situation and he looked at copies of the tests from the gastro and said it sounded like I was having a problem with acid reflux. WTF? I didn't have heartburn and there were no signs of acid reflux from my endoscopy...he said I probably developed it over the past few months. Um, ok...again, you're the doctor. He gave me a prescription for Prilosec and I left. That was a Thursday, filled the script took a pill and OMG things got so bad. I am not even going to describe the results, just know that the next 4 days were very uncomfortable and I didn't need Prilosec. Brian and I talked and he told me to just go consult with the surgeon.
I did. That Monday I was squeezed in and after looking at my tests, he wanted to take my gallbladder out the next day! I scheduled for the surgery in a week and got that thing out. The surgeon said I was on the verge of an infection because my gallbladder was so inflamed. Really? I would have never guessed from the excruciating pain I was in.
Enter a month off from the gym. I had already been off my game for awhile, this just made it worse. A month off? Try doing that and getting back into the swing of things. NOPE, not me. Will and determination were out the window, 2012 came and I was no more motivated. I was comfortable at my now size 11 pants. I accepted that my body liked being 160-165 lbs and I was just going to maintain. HAHA! I got back up to 170 lbs and those size 11 pants were PRETTY SNUG by the summer. AND...by the end of the summer we were moving the store AGAIN. During the super storm/hurricane SANDY of all things.
STRESS, I can't stress it enough. It is my nemesis. It is the devil. It is the driving force behind my eating habits. I had a long conversation with my fiance around the time of the move. I told him I couldn't do this anymore, I needed to be able to focus on myself. I needed to get my food, workouts and routines in check. I told him after the store was finished (it's still not totally done and it's January!) that I wanted to be able to fix myself. Those pants fitting too tight and the scale being up so much was my breaking point again. I didn't want to be that fat girl in the Fashion Bug dressing room bawling my eyes out again. I made a promise to myself that those jeans were going to go in the garbage by the middle of December 2012 because I was going to drop a pant size, and I did. I bought size 9's.
There is hope for me after all...
"Don't dream it, be it."
