I've made the announcement on social media and to everyone who has come into the store in the pat 3 weeks that Hard Core Nutrition will be closing forever this Friday, December 20, 2019. Although it is not what I want, it's what needed to be done. The store has been suffering for over 9 months now and I cannot continue down the path I've been taking. Wounds have been opened that began to heal, memories are flooding back into my mind on a daily basis, the pain I thought I was moving past has rushed into my soul again. I'm overwhelmed, overworked and stressed out. I have many great friends who are listening each time I have a meltdown. I am doing everything I can to end a chapter of my life once again.
Over the past few days, I've gotten lost in thought. I've really reflected on how I have reacted with my decision to close the business. I have a friend who has really been supportive and has given excellent advice. Each time I speak with them I am in a different state of mind, sometimes I'm having a great day and other days I'm crying uncontrollably. Each and every time I have been crying, I apologize to them. Their response is one of true caring, they tell me it's fine, I'm going through something extremely painful and hard, and that crying is healthy. I do end up laughing by the end of the conversation. The reality is they are right, I need to go through the emotions I am feelings and not bottle them up.
This has led me to thinking about how much I have changed over the past 20 years. When I was younger, I tried to control everything and everyone and when something did not go my way I would get angry, lash out at anyone who I had contact with and even get violent at different points. It wasn't until I started dating Brian that I started to change. I learned I couldn't control everything, especially people, mainly because of his involvement in The Program. The 12 Step Program helped me evolve in so many ways and I still apply it to my life. The Serenity Prayer is something I repeat on a regular basis. I will never forget over a 13 years ago sitting with Brian hysterically crying because I could not make a decision on whether or not I wanted a divorce. Brian introduced me the prayer that day, making me repeat it. Somehow, saying those words:"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" over and over CALMED ME DOWN. He told me it would, I just didn't believe him. To this day, I use this to calm myself down.
I have gained the wisdom of knowing what I can and cannot control. In my current situation, I really can't control that I have to close the store. I can't control how much work needs to be done. I can't control having help with what needs to be done. I can't fully control having another job at the moment. I can control getting the store packed and everything sold. I can control getting to the gym and going roller skating. I can control making sure I'm getting enough rest and taking breaks when I need to. I can control what I'm eating. I can control my house is clean. I can control myself being clean and dressing nicely everyday and make sure I don't look like a bum. I can also control waking up even when it feels like the darkest day of my life, getting myself out of bed and just living life regardless of how bad anything feels. I make a choice everyday to just do what I can, the best I can and the only way I know how.
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| "Don't dream it, be it." |
