Determination, Dedication, Self-Discipline & EFFORT...

This post was supposed to be finished April 14, 2019, this afternoon I finally finished it. It's now been a year and a half, but here's the post:

It has been ONE FULL YEAR that I committed myself to becoming healthy and fit again.
ONE YEAR of eating the correct portions of food along with the right amount of calories each day...
ONE YEAR of waking up early to get to the gym...
On April 14, 2019 ONE YEAR that I stepped inside of Jackson Skating Center and fell in love.

It has not been an easy road, there have been days I messed up with eating, days I didn't drink enough water, days I didn't get enough sleep, days that I didn't put enough effort in at the gym, days that I was sick and missed working out. Throughout the entire year, one thing that was consistent was my self-discipline and effort. No matter what I may have done wrong, I talked myself into getting right back on track and doing the right thing. I have been determined to get back to where I was 10 years ago, dedicated the time and effort that was needed and I am proud of how far I have come.

I have said in numerous Facebook posts and videos a motivating factor for me is showing others the "impossible" can be achieved. I haven't ever thought the image I had for myself was impossible, I just became complacent with myself and accepted where I was. In the back of my mind, there was always the notion I could achieve my goal again. I just needed to find the right way at the right time. April 2018 became that time. I stopped over-sleeping, sitting on my butt watching TV and hanging out at the diner, trading those hours to be more active. I have not felt this good in many years.

I am proud of the progress I have made and still have a long road ahead to hit my goal and maintain it. I was reading my first blog post about roller skating from May 2018. So much has changed since then. I found the confidence I didn't have in myself, learned how to shuffle skate and want to continue learning new steps dancing on skates. I'm skating 3-4 days a week now and traveling to others rinks like people had suggested when I started. I had the opportunity to celebrate my one year anniversary of roller skating on April 14 with an event, The Tri-State Shuffle Skate main event at Holiday Skating & Fun Center. It was the second shuffle event I attended. The happiness and freedom I feel when I lace my skates has not faded, in fact, it has grown. Some people see an obsession, but I have found an activity that has filled a small void in my life. I skated on April 14 with pride and joy, knowing that I committed one year and many hours of practice to be able to skate with some of the best skaters out there. I'm was (and still am) excited. I also traveled to Young's Skating Center in Mays Landing, Palace Roller Skating Center in Philadelphia, Sk8 47 in Franklinville, Rollermagic in South Amboy, Rollerjam USA on Staten Island and Millennium Skating Center in Camden. I don't have the ability to get to these places all the time, but when the opportunity arises, I jump on it so I can skate with new people and learn even more.

The past six months I have been meeting new people and learning so many new things, not just about skating, but about myself. Once again, some of my new friends have said, "There is just something about you." I still have a hard time understanding what it is about me that makes people say this. I get embarrassed when I am complimented. A customer was in the store last week and told be I was beautiful in front of some other people there. The next thing they said was, "She needs to here that. Someone needs to tell her that everyday." I made some kind of sarcastic remark, that's my defense mechanism. I know I should appreciate compliments, it's hard when you don't see what others see.

In March I was devastated, having a nervous breakdown and generally just freaking out about life. I allowed my fears to take over and disappeared into a neighborhood of my mind that has lots of dark corners and alleys. It's pretty easy to wander into and very difficult to get out of sometimes. I have been under an enormous amount of stress for about 6 months. Running a business and trying to keep myself busy and happy are not an easy task. Although things are balanced and I have allowed myself enough time for sleep and recovery, my brain won't shut off at night and I have not been sleeping much. I know that the lack of sleep contributes to my mood, making me feel sad and a little depressed. Most days I force myself out of bed to continue my routine, telling myself that I will get some more sleep later that night and it rarely happens. 

Last night, Saturday, October 12, 2019 is a night I will remember forever. I was on the fence about skating at Rollerjam USA because it a late skate and I was unsure about being out. My new friend Keishonda agreed to go up with me and we set out to skate. This five hour session was one of the best I have ever had. As I laced up my skates and talked to my friends the DJ, Tito, made a comment that I was in rare form. He was right, I was feeling so good. When my wheels hit the floor that freedom I feel from life hit hard and I was off. The music was pumping and I felt confident in myself. All of the negative criticism that had been floating around in my mind was gone and I felt at ease rolling on the floor. I practiced backwards, forward, shuffling, dancing and even partnered "danced" in the middle. I can't remember a time where I felt so relaxed inside of a rink. I grabbed Keishonda a few times to practice skating and felt so confident beside her and was pushing her to step outside HER comfort zone. We had so much fun, even if we both don't really know what we are doing.

Reflection is a large part of my life. I look back at the events and experiences I've had to help move forward with decisions that need to be made for myself. Many people have been helping me and giving me advice on roller skating. I enjoy getting constructive criticism, I want to learn as much as I can from all types of skaters. There are so many styles of skating and every person out there adds their own flair to it. The coolest thing about roller skating is there isn't just one dimension to anything. I have no room for negative people in my life and I've tried to distance myself from the ones who have negatively criticized me. I have learned that the negativity isn't a dig at me, it's really the projection of the feelings the person who is being obstinate ONTO me. There is no place for that kind of person in my life. I want to live my life the way I have been...doing what I love, laughing and smiling, improving and developing new skills and not doing harm to anyone, including myself, along the way. I'm humbled and proud of the determination, dedication, self-discipline and effort I've out into my life.

"Don't dream it...be it."