This
journey in life has brought me to a fork in the road that I am so
afraid of. The choices I have made have led me down a path I am no
longer familiar with. Everything I do each day is without the other half
of my life being there. There is a void in my life, I know what it is, I
know where it has gone and I cannot find the right thing to fill it. I
spend most of my hours working and the other hours working out or roller
skating. Days that are slow in the store, I get lost in my thoughts and
that's a neighborhood I need to stay out of. I've had many times that
I've gotten lost in my mind to the point I don't want to do anything. I
know that's unhealthy and always force myself to stick to my daily
routine. Sometimes it brings me back to happiness, other times not so
much. The dust is finally settling and I’m starting to feel some
loneliness. I am missing a huge part of my life. I am surrounded by
great friends, people who care about me, it’s just not the same. I don’t
have that person I can be excited to tell about new things that are
happening, the person who can comfort me when I am sad or laugh when me
when I’m being silly. The other half who would share their thoughts and
dreams isn’t there for me to listen to. I am thankful for my friends,
it’s just not the same.Sometimes I feel like I am having an outer body experience, like I am watching my life happen as if it were me watching a movie. Most days I wake up and want to pull the covers over my head and go right back to sleep. I'm not sure what the cause of the latest wave of emotion is. It could be the reality of losing Brian punching me in the face daily, possibly catching up with me over a year later, the holidays, his birthday, the anniversary of the store, separating his ashes, starting remove physical reminders of him from the house, or the anniversary of his death quickly approaching. Regardless of the cause, I've had many days lately I've actually cried myself to sleep. I literally talk myself out of bed in the morning. There is a saying in the 12 step program, “fake it 'til you make it”. I feel like I’ve had to do this for the past 6 months or so. The pain of losing my partner sometimes rears it’s ugly head at the most dreadful times. I admit I have been going out and having fun, but as the Joker says in The Dark Knight, “Smile because it confuses people. Smile because it’s easier than explaining what’s killing you inside.”
The past few months have been extremely stressful and full of emotion. I find myself questioning all of my actions and doubting every decision that I make. I feel like a broken record, repeating the same thing over and over and never taking the needle off to stop it from playing. Therein lies the problem. That sends me into that bad neighborhood in my head. Two weeks ago, I was hopeless and full of despair. It was so bad that when I was working at the skating rink, I didn't even roll around. I just stayed in the middle, skating out to help people who had fallen or reprimand people for breaking rules and then straight back to the middle to watch again. At the end of the night while I was cleaning up, a friend walked up to me and asked if I was okay and I responded no. She asked what was wrong and I said I just needed a new life. Her response was extremely positive, trying to encourage me by telling me to think about all I've accomplished in the past year. Although she was right, my negative mindset couldn't allow me to feel better in that moment. I left the rink crying like I had been for days.
The following day, she messaged me and asked how I was doing. I explained that I was in a bad neighborhood in my head and it felt like a jungle. After sending some love emojis back to me, she sent a bunch of monkey emojis, followed by a tiger and lion. It made me think of the movie The Wizard of Oz. The scene with Dorothy, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow walking down the Yellow Brick road through the dark spooky forest with the noises in the background of the animals and other creatures you couldn't see. They talk about lions and tigers and bears, OH MY! Later in the day, another friend and I were texting. I told them about my analogy of how I was stuck in my head and it was scary like the scene from the Wizard of Oz. Their response made me look at my situation from another angle because it was so insightful. They said, "Those were all Dorothy's emotions when she needed to get home. She needed heart, courage and to use her head when she did those things...that's what got her home. You have all those." Damn this person for always trying to make me feel better! I started to really think about the movie and how Dorothy was unconscious, lost in the neighborhood in her head, creating a fantasy world in the Land of Oz. All she wanted to do was go home. It seemed like an impossible task. But through her persistence and finding her heart, courage and brain she was able to click those heels of the ruby slippers and make her way home in the end.
"Don't dream it...be it."
