Back in April when I started skating, I could not relax and learn how to get better at this sport. I would skate out onto the rink tense and scared. I allowed the fear of falling and embarrassing myself to take over. Although I was able to skate around the rink and get the cardio I so desperately needed done, I could not advance further with any skills. The thought of falling on my ass with everyone around me watching dominated and I could not allow myself to try anything new. My skills were extremely basic for months and I was frustrated with myself for not being able to progress any further. Once I allowed myself to become comfortable on the skates, the confidence I felt in my ability to try a new move soared. I improved each and every time I skated. The fear of falling was still in my mind, but I was more comfortable with my surroundings and started to not care what others would think if I fell. Now, I skate freely and confidently with little fear.
I have been replaying a message I received from someone a few months ago in my head. I was trying to explain that I didn't feel I was ready to date. The message I received back was, "You're such a beautiful girl you should stop punishing yourself." I don't think that I am punishing myself. I have come to realize that I am PROTECTING myself. The fear of being in pain has come to rule my love life. I did date someone shortly after Brian passed away and it did not work out. The devastation I felt, especially so close to losing Brian, was overwhelming. It took months to recover from yet another loss in my life. I have entertained some of the people who have shown interest in me since then, only to dismiss them within about two weeks of talking. I haven't even gone on a date with anyone. I fill my time with work, the gym and roller skating, using the fact that I am busy as an excuse, "I don't have time".
I project into the future, play the tape through and always end with me being alone and hurting. Some of my friends have said that when the right person comes along, I will make the time. I can't see that happening. I truly believe that Brian was my soulmate, he left me too soon. The relationship we had was not perfect by any means, yet there was a simple sense of respect, care and understanding we had for each other. I don't compare anyone to him, I know that another person cannot replace him. I cannot see myself finding another human being who will have that same level of communication with me. The more I sit here and type, the more I am beginning to realize that I am afraid of dating. I am scared to open my heart to someone. I am scared to forget Brian, afraid of being hurt and fearful to lose myself again.
I am allowing fear to run a portion of my life that I should not. Somehow I need relax like I did with skating and not worry about opening my heart to someone and falling. I don't know how long it will take for that to happen or if it ever will. Maybe my friends are right and it will just take a very special person to change my mind, but for now I will let the fear protect my heart.
"Don't dream it, be it."
