13 years ago, Brian was working at a car wash. I'd often go there to have lunch with him or just get one of the cars washed and see him. I had only started my fitness journey 7 months before, I was still overweight. There was one summer day, we ate lunch together and I was walking away to my car. His coworkers, all men, asked him, "Why are you with her? You could do so much better." He said to them, "You see that girl walking away? That's wifey material." Brian’s response has repeated in my mind for years. He taught me a valuable lesson that day, it’s not what is on the outside that matters but the inside. He saw the dedication I had toward anything that mattered to me and how loyal I was to anything I had love for.The human mind is a tricky place, we tend to focus on our defects as opposed to our strengths. I often criticize myself. My weight is always something I brood about but it isn’t the only thing I feel uncomfortable with. I have always hated photos because of my teeth. As a teenager, I was in the process of getting braces when my parents lost dental insurance and were never able to follow through with the treatment. As an adult, I had started the process again, having my wisdom teeth taken out and 3 more teeth removed to get braces. I was scheduled to get an impacted tooth out of my upper palette when finances changed and I could no longer afford to continue with the treatment plan. That was almost 20 years ago and I am no longer in a position to fix my smile.
Being as heavy as I was, I have stretch marks not only on my stomach but my breasts, arms and legs as well. Some of these are deep and often painful. As I lose more body fat, extra skin begins to hang on my stomach and chest. I had always worried about losing weight and not being able to cover the stretch marks up or deal with my sagging skin. I remember laying on my bed and seeing my stomach flat with the scars and skin, I began to cry. Brian had looked at me and asked what was wrong. As I explained my worries, he responded, “those are your battle scars, think of it as earning your tiger stripes.” He never looked at my body as repulsive like I did. He loved me as a human being. The physical aspects weren’t as important to him.
I’ve discovered over the past year, my personality is an attraction to people. Last year, I started talking to someone. In our first conversation they said, "You have an aura about you. You seem kind hearted and just cool.” Another person recently said, “I’d like to be friends with you, you just seem like a person who is easy to talk to without judgement.” I hadn’t really known these people, but somehow they knew me right away. Over the course of my life, I've been friends with many people. Some have gone, but some have come back into my life. Almost every one of them that has returned has said I impacted them in a positive way. I never realized the way I've touched people's lives until recently.
There are many more things I could elaborate on, but I'll stop with these. Just this week, I was told by a few people that I was beautiful. I am learning more and more to love myself the way I am. Physical defects are not what make who you are, it's your personality and character. I'm allowing more photos and videos of myself to be taken, I am becoming more comfortable in my battered skin and letting my personality to shine through. I've always been told it's what's on the inside that counts and at almost 40 years old I am finally starting to believe it.
"Don't dream it, be it."